Old Wounds
by Radiorox
Summary: A passionate kiss leads Harm and Mac to become lovers but, significant others and old wounds threaten to keep them apart.
1. Making Lovers Out Of Friends

How many stories can I run at once? A lot. Heh.

Got this idea to make a Mac version of "Talk To Me" Lord knows girlfriend needed a lot of couch time. So, I had begun to jot down notes for it deciding it would be in season 7.

And then, our little JAG FanFiction group on FB was chatting about "Lifelines" and how HM should have run off and got it on. In all honestly, anything changing the end of that episode is hard for me. The guilt of them having an affair would have been destructive. I've shied away from writing it until now (plus another story that is simmering in the wings with a similar content) as redjagglerock got my muse interested.

So here we start a new journey…

The first chapter has some angsty, sensual smut...honestly HM and sex is just...HOT.

We were deprived.

**Title: Old Wounds**

**Summary**: A passionate kiss leads Harm and Mac to become lovers but, significant others and old wounds threaten to keep them apart.

_"They say don't open old wounds_

_But you're still brand new_

_And all the flames you said you ran through_

_You got a little more to prove_

_One day I'll give you my heart_

_When it's not in two_

_They say don't open old wounds_

_But I'm going to_

_I think I could love you 'til the day that you die_

_If you let me love you when the timing is right_

_And if they said I had to, I swear I'd wait my whole life_

_I think I could love you 'til the day that you die_

_They say don't open old wounds_

_But this is still brand new_

_And I've got nothing left to lose besides you_

_And I've already lost you once_

_What more could you do?_

_They say don't open old wounds_

_But I want to_

_I think I could love you 'til the day that you die_

_If you let me love you when the timing is right_

_And if they said I had to, I swear I'd wait my whole life_

_I think I could love you 'til the day that you die"_

"Old Wounds" by Pvris

**CHAPTER 1 - Making Lovers Out Of Friends.**

Harm was surprised if not, somewhat shocked that Mac was standing outside his door. He half expected her to book the next flight out to Australia and follow her now ex-fiance with the hopes of saving their marriage.

"Oh, Mac." He breathed out noting her beautiful eyes were bloodshot from crying. "I'm sorry." And he was only because she was hurting. Part of him was thrilled that Mic had left, he only prayed the bastard never came back.

Unconsciously, Mac threw herself at him, seeking comfort she desperately needed. He gripped his cane tight to prevent himself from losing balance and wrapped one arm around her, never wanting to let her go again.

What brought them to this moment was still a source of confusion and pain from a tryst that left them both wanting a seemingly impossible future….

...Wordlessly, she had taken his hand, the one still resting on the curve of her hip and tugged him, urging Harm to follow as Mac navigated amongst the throngs of vehicles until she located his Lexus. She slipped inside first, the gentleman in him holding the door open although something inside was screaming at him to stop. Harm was sure she could hear the hammering of his heart when they sat side by side in the back seat both lacking the courage to push things further.

They'd already gone too far - he pushing the boundaries of a well-wisher when Mac solely meant to kiss him goodbye. Her lips on his snapped that precious control forcing Harm to react as he never had with her. As Mac backed away, his mouth followed hers, lips claiming lips almost brutally until she melded into him in surrender. They kissed hard, passionately and his hands slid under the jacket he'd previously draped over her shoulders, finding the bare skin of her back. His thumb brushed over the top, aching to dip under and feel more of her bare skin until the need for air broke them apart.

His breath was ragged, heavy and Mac groaned at the sense of loss as they silently held each other's gaze. There was a feeling of wonderment, an overpowering awe that such a wrong could feel so damned right. It was why Harm followed her lead, a willing captive to her siren's song, blindly being led by desire.

They hadn't kissed again as he suspected they would. Instead, he pulled her body over his, Mac's knees on either side, straddling him. Her bottom rested on Harm's thighs and the hard evidence of his desire was straining to be touched, to fill her. She placed her hands on his shoulders, in the half darkness Mac could barely see the color of his eyes but imagined them darkening just as hers likely had.

They hadn't spoken, both too afraid words would stop this moment, push them both into a present neither wanted to be part of. In this world, this bubble that had been created, it was only the two of them, watching, waiting for someone to make the first move. All of her bravado had come to a stop, a thought of her fiance, the man that had said the right words, had somewhat healed her broken heart made this game a much more dangerous one.

Mac almost pulled away… almost but, she could feel his eyes on her, sense his rough hands moving up her arms, leaving goosebumps on her skin up to her shoulders letting the jacket fall somewhere behind. His hands traced her shoulders, dipping down to her collar and around to the nape of Mac's neck where the clasp for her dress held the upper part of her dress. With shaking fingers, he unclasped the hooks and the sound of the soft 'pop' made her core clench.

Now freed, the material slowly fell away slipping off Mac's shoulders to bare her breasts to him. Almost instantly, her nipples formed rigged peaks both from the cool spring air and the thoughts of what he may do now that she was topless before him. She expected Harm to hesitate and backpedal as he'd done almost two years prior on that blasted ferry ride, it was part of their dynamic afterall. Instead his hand moved up to touch her.

Mac let out a breath she wasn't sure she'd been holding when one of Harm's hands cupped her breast, taking the weight of one and then the other. He squeezed each orb gently and his thumbs stroked over each hardened nipple with a feathery touch. And then his mouth replaced one hand.

His tongue swirled around the peak, teasing and tasting the sensitive skin that was impossibly harder, straining against his ministrations. He suckled her breast the sounds of his mouth on her skin and Mac's soft moans were the only sounds in the confines of his vehicle.

Neither had spoken. Words had been replaced by touches and murmurs if pleasure. With each pull of her nipples with his mouth Mac could feel a tingling between her thighs and her core had become so wet she could feel the moisture in her panties.

She pressed a hand to the back of his head, urging Harm to continue his feasting of her breasts, never feeling this kind of pleasure from any other man. Mac sucked her lower lip into her mouth, biting down as she tried not to call his name out of fear that words would stop this surrender. She was still expecting him to cease and pull away once that idiotic, noble part of his mind clicked into action. Instead, he let a hand fall from her breast onto her thigh where he began another sort of exploration.

Harm slipped one hand under her dress and his knuckles skimmed over her hip only to dip downward. His fingers traced the elastic of her panties and without askance, delved inside over her moist curls. One long finger probed, slipping inside to feel her clench around him. Mac was so aroused Harm was sure he could make her come without much effort.

Lord, had he always done this to her? Did she really want him this much?

Mac's hand brushed the bulge straining hard against his trousers and his wimper was an indication that Harm needed her to free him. She made quick work of his belt and then slowly brought down his zipper, the sound making another lick of desire pass between them.

Reaching inside the open fly and through the flap of his silk boxers she freed his erection. Silk, she mused, turned on that he'd forgo the stark white boxers for something more elegant.

In the darkness she couldn't see him fully but, her hand began to trace every contour of his length. Harm was heavy, thick, the tip of his cock moistening when she stroked up his shaft and then pressed her thumb at the head. It stole the breath right out of him and the gentle musings of her hand made him moan as Mac increased the pressure.

His fingers moved in time with her hand but, it wasn't enough. Mac wanted to feel him inside, to end the sexual tension that was always an undercurrent to their relationship.

Harm roughly gripped her hips helping Mac rise as she came to her knees and pushed her damp panties aside. His cock teased between her moist folds until she held him steady took Harm into her inch by equiste inch. The sensation of him filling her nearly made her black out. He was big and thick, their union almost painful until her body stretched and accommodated the wanted intrusion.

For long minutes they remained joined, their eyes holding each other's gaze equally wondering if this stolen moment was just a dream. Breaths begum more staggered as Mac was the first to move a roll of her hips one way and then the other, a slow deliberate dance.

Harm's hands were still gripping her hips, helping Mac move over him. In the sparsely lit vehicle, they watched each other conveying a silent conversation of acceptance and surrender.

Mac's orgasm was almost painful, her inner muscles convulsing as Harm drove up into her, seeking his own release. She felt him come, his cock throbbing as the warmth of his seed spread inside her. Harm thrust into her twice more, his fingers digging into the delicate skin of her hips until he was fully spent.

It had never felt like this with anyone before, the explosive intensity that was sure to consume both of them - a sort of synchronicity in pleasure she hadn't found with any other man. It forced Mac to collapse over him and rest her head in the crook of his neck until their breathing began to regulate.

Harm was it for her, she knew that now, affirmed in the way he was currently holding her, one hand cradling her head the other drawing lazy circles on her damp back. When he slid out of her both felt an odd pain of separation in more ways than one. "You're going to marry him aren't you?" He asked, breaking the silence that stretched awkwardly.

His question sent a lancing pain through her heart making Mac wish she could turn back time. "I don't think I can, not after this." She raised her head from the crook of his and framed his face in her hands. His skin was damp and warm and when she kissed him, Mac could taste the saltiness of his sweat.

Harm broke the kiss, "I won't have an affair with you, that's not fair to them or us."

"No it isn't." She agreed. "Do you love her?"

"No."

"She expects you to marry her…"

Harm knew what the other woman wanted but, he'd been biding his time, enjoying the body she willong gave as substitute for the woman he really wanted. But, there was no real emotion tied to his relationship with Renee although he tried to fall for her. The heart wants what the heart wants and his was held captive by a certain Marine. "Mac, I don't love Renee...I love you. I think I have for a while."

His admission made her breath catch. "You never told me...in fact, you've done the opposite…"

"I...I know...I'm sorry." Gently, he brushed the damp hair from her face, tucking a few stray strands behind her ear. If they ever did this again, the lights needed to be on, he wanted to see her pleasure filled eyes, the flush skin. He needed to hear her scream his name. "You're so beautiful."

"I don't want to marry him…" Mac said suddenly, hoping beyond hope that he would stop her from ruining their lives.

"Don't marry him, Sarah." He found himself impossibly hard again, every shift of Mac's body over his making him come alive like an electric current. Harm guided himself to her slit, teasing her entrance with the tip of his cock. "Stay with me." And then he fully buried himself into her.

"Yes…"

Only a hasty plan to set them free had been met with fierce resistance. The rest of the evening was awkward for Mac who was now repulsed by each of Mic's unwanted touches. "Where were you, luv?" He questioned making Mac's heart beat erratically out of fear he would smell Harm on her skin.

The man eyed had her quizzically, noting the glowing skin and damp hair and when Mic's jaw set, Mac knew her traitorous body had given her away. "Nerves. I went outside to catch a breath."

"Where's Rabb?"

She almost cowered from his chastising tone and only held a brave front for Harm's sake. "He..he got a call… something about his..his brother." Mac fought hard to not stammer through her lie, the truth being that the essence there lovemaking had soiled his trousers making it impossible for Harm to return as if nothing had happened.

"Forget about Harm." She said unable to stop her body from flinching when Mic's hand caressed her bare back as Harm had done. The touches were so different, Mic's possessive and Harm's gentle and loving.

Mac's body was still hypersensitive as well, her core so moist she had to forego wearing panties for what was left of the night.

_"We'll figure this out. For now, go to him, go back inside like nothing happened."_ Harm told her when his body was still joined with hers the second time they made love. He hated leaving her but, had no choice as he hadn't wanted anyone to make a scene._ "I promise you, Sarah...It'll be alright. We'll be togerher soon…"_

Unfortubately, he couldn't anticipate the hell his plan would put them through.


	2. Threat

Wow! Thanks for the reviews! I promise no CIA, torture in this one. No Webb or Sadik or trigger happy Mac in sight here!

I was hoping to have at least four chapters up by now, I have them outlined but, work got severely in the way. Every time I open this to complete this chapter, someone needs me for something.

**CHAPTER 2. - Threat**

_"Come to me."_ His words made it sound so simple to give in, go back into his arms and find peace and happiness. The past seemed to dictate parts of her future, the constant messy relationships she saddled herself with almost as if on purpose.

But, she hadn't really loved the others, not like she did Harm in that all encompassing way which made her breath catch. Why the hell did love have to hurt this much? What had they done? Specifically, what had she done in a moment of pure weakness, misunderstanding and the ache to mend her broken heart. _"I'm waiting."_

But, her tumultuous emotions made Mac take pause. The man who had been so close to being her spouse, the one that claimed to love her so much he'd given up his commission, his family and country for her, was now gone. And for the briefest of moments when her sanity threatened to snap, she considered giving chase, _begging_ him to take her back like she weakly allowed Mic to cajole her.

"You need to get out that wet uniform before you get sick." Mac was still in Harm's arms, his grip slipping slightly as his body protested bracing some of her weight. They held each other for several long minutes until he noticed her uniform was damp and gentle rapping at his window altered Harm that Mac had been caught in the rain.

Abruptly, he let her go, motioning to his bedroom while instructing her to take a hot shower and borrow some of his clothes. "I'll make some tea, we can sit down and talk."

Mac looked at him then, his injuries suddenly taking precedence. She spotted the bruising on his face and the healing scars of his neck that she imagined were from the shroud lines. There was heavy bruising in some areas around his forearms and as she scanned his body her eyes gravitated to the cane he gripped tightly in order to stand upright. _Oh, Harm._ The thought of him almost dying made her eyes burn with unshed tears. _This_ was her fault. "You don't have to... You're hurt, you need to rest."

"I'm making tea not cooking a ten course meal, Mac." He grinned sheepishly and slowly limped to the kitchen. "Go get warm, please."

She acquiesced only because her body began to shiver as the wet uniform began to feel heavy on her body. Mac rummaged through his door, picking out a t-shirt and a pair of sweats to change into after a hot shower. As the water fell, her mind raced back several weeks prior - once the cake had been cut and the engagement party wound down, an aftermath she didn't expect….

... Mac offered to stay and help AJ rearrange his home, anything to keep Mic away from her until she could see Harm again. No one knew her agony, the pain of wanting someone so much it hurt - the guilt of hurting the one who gave up everything.

_"We'll figure this out. For now, go to him, go back inside like nothing happened."_ Harm's words stung but, she understood that they could not make a scene; the ramifications of their tryst would manifest soon enough. Mac considered begging Chegwidden to let her stay, a final act of a desperate woman who could no longer pretend she wanted her husband to-be's touch. But, there was a problem.

She did love him, it wasn't just a lie to throw Harm off her scent but, she wasn't in love with Mic and knew she never would be. Few couples really were, she supposed, there was always one half that cared more, loved more both equally settling because it was better than being alone. And that had been the crux of the matter, being alone wasn't one of her strong suits… moreover, being lonely. The fear of Harm not wanting her, the ache of loneliness that echoed when he shut her down in Sydney led her to Mic's waiting arms.

Chegwidden had caught a look in her eyes that resembled fear and trounced the normally stoic nature of the Marine he'd come to care for like a daughter. "Mac? What's wrong?" Only he hadn't moved fast enough to rescue her before Mic was draping her shawl over Mac's shoulders and escorting her outside. He had said their goodbyes and thank yous without offering Mac a chance to do so, all the while smiling although Mic was anything but jovial.

The ride home was tensely compounded the second they pulled out of Chegwidden's driveway and Mic's hand came to rest on her thigh beneath her dress. Such a touch was occasionally wanted when the desire to be with a man deemed that sort of thing acceptable. This time, Mac involuntarily brushed his hand away and turned to look out the window. "You know I don't like that." She admonished as she had countless times before.

And it was at that moment things clicked into place almost nauseating so. Had she ever wanted Mic's touch or was it a sort of cause and effect of being engaged? She had pretended a time or two, faked her release more times than she was willing to admit and Mac still loved him although she could not understand why. It was like she was living on the after effects of some sort of drug that changed how she'd normally act and made her pliant.

"What happened between you and Rabb?" His voice like ice, made her jump. Mic's tone was decisively accusatory and her lack of denial, the silence that stretched between them was answer enough. "I smell him on you, his scent... like a dog that marked his territory."

"Mic… I…"

"Don't lie… I can tell when my wife has given herself to someone else…" In anger, Mic sped through the streets running through red lights and nearly causing an accident or two. "Slow down!" Mac pleaded, grateful when his car came to a stop outside her apartment building.

Oddly enough, the anger abated, refined by a calm and cool exterior on the elevator ride. Mic was even gentlemanly as he unlocked the apartment door and held it open for her to enter first. For a moment, Mac believed everything would be fine, that she could end the farce of an engagement and seek Harm's love. Fate had other plans.

"Sarah…" Mic's voice was a plea, anguished in its tone but, when Mac turned to face him she didn't expect the slap which threw her off balance and sent her to the floor. "How could you… with _him_?!"

She curled up into a ball, a defensive posture to protect all essential body parts when being attacked. Her hands came up to her face, awaiting another blow that would never come. Oh, Mic was still angry, enough to kill but, the hit had thrown him off balance as well, enough to have him sobering up. He actually helped her stand and settle on the sofa as his hand caressed the spot at her cheek which started turning red. "Oh God, Sarah...I'm sorry." The anger had deflated as fast as it had grown replaced with a tender, sorrowful begging for forgiveness he didn't deserve.

"Since when has this gone on?" He asked several minutes later when they sat across from each other, he on the coffee table and Mac on the sofa. Mic pressed a bag of frozen peas against her cheek which was easing the swelling, thankfully his strike had been with his palm not the back of his hand or fist. If he'd used his brute force, Mac was sure the orbital bone would have been shattered. "Sarah? Luv, please talk to me."

"Just once. Just tonight." And she still felt Harm's touch, his lips softly kissing her.

"Let me guess, in the back of his car?" Mic deduced and his tone sent lancing shame through Mac. Yes, they had sex in the back of Harm's car like teenagers would. It wasn't how she expected there first time to be and yes, she'd dreamt of it almost from the inception of there partnership. What they'd done that night was still wanted, needed and so very exquisite. It wasn't cheap or dirty although Mac wondered if it ever would had happened if Harm hadn't suddenly come face to face with the reality that he would lose her. Oddly enough, there coupling wasn't rushed or hasty. He was so gentle, his body in-tune with hers how it never had been or would be with Mic. "Sarah…"

"Mic, please…" She tried to stand up, to put some space between them but, his hand wrapped painfully around her wrist as he yanked her back down. "Please, don't."

"Who is it that you want Sarah? Him or me?"

_Him._ It would always be Harm no matter who passed through her life; he'd be the constant she could never let go of. Mac never knew quite why that was, she attested it to all the time they spent together, the times they've saved each other's lives. It was like they were woven into the fabric of each other only missing out on them being a couple for reasons she couldn't quite explain.

Him. Always him. Harm was the one she wanted and after being joined so intimately with him, she was sure it left a brand on her soul. "Mic. I love…"

Mic stood up quickly, nearly topping over the coffee table as he moved. "No." He lifted a finger, pointing it towards her as that accusatory tone began to raise as much as his anger. "Don't answer that because…_ I'm_ going to decide for _you._"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! _You_ pledged yourself to _me_. You took _my_ ring and I left everything behind for_ you_."

He was acting positively manic, pacing in front of her like a caged animal, the man she thought she knew no longer there. It was his crazed expression that had some sort of switch go off within Mac. Like a movie, images of there last two years together replayed in the back of her mind. Mic had always cajoled her, beginning with that stupid ring she accepted. Everything from that moment on was a push or a pull dictated by him and only him, leaving Mac little say in the matter. Even the engagement was planned and orchestrated by him and she just played along out of fear that he would leave, that she would be lonely and alone.

The whole notion made Mac sick to her stomach. The normally strong Marine had given herself over to the wiles of a weak female and for what exactly? Now she saw him for what he really was, the monster she would no longer marry. "I never asked you to do any of that. You left home because it was the only way to force my hand and I let you." She was so disgusted with herself.

"Funny, when I came here you couldn't keep your hands off of me." He was right, she had spent night after night in his arms, hoping to feel something more than she ever would for him. "Do you love me at all?"

"Yes." And God help her, part of her did love him - the man that took care of her, the one that cooked every night when she came home late. The husband part of him.

"Good because, I'm not letting you go. Not for you to run to him." He settled back down on the coffee table. ""You're the only thing I have left...And we're going to see this through for better or for worse."

This wasn't fair to him, Mac knew but, her heart was pulling her away from him and towards the man who would always hold it. The ring that she wanted so much now felt like an anchor cast into the ocean and it was drowning her. "Mic…I can't marry you anymore. This is over. I'm sorry. Harm and me... we.."

"I don't think the Corps will take kindly to you sleeping with Rabb." That menacing voice had returned, his eyes had darkened to a predatory glare that made Mac believe he'd pounce on her again. She prepared herself for the physical assault not realizing his final blow would come in a different form. "Your past, your Article 32, the adultery charge. Do you think your career can take that hit again?"

"Do you think threatening my career would keep me at your side?" Mac stood then, stepping into his line of sight as she yanked the ring off of her finger and slammed it into his chest with the palm of her hand. "Get. Out. This… us… we're over."

"You know? There are worse things than death, Sarah." He bent down and picked the ring which had landed somewhere between them and then dropped to one knee as if he were proposing again. "I have connections in this town too. Plenty of people that hate Rabb and would love to see him dropped down a peg or two. I'll destroy him."

"Leave him out of this."

"I can't. Not anymore… Him or me, make your choice." He offered her the ring, holding it out until Mac finally took it and slid it back onto her ring finger.


	3. Enemy

**Chapter 3 - Enemy**

Once Mac stepped into his living room she found Harm asleep, his body stretched out across the sofa which barely held his 6'4" frame. He'd shoved a few pillows under the injured knee, propping it up in hopes it would ease the discomfort. On the coffee table sat two mugs of tea which had long since grown cold when her shower lasted too long.

She studied his appearance, the marks that were evident from his neck which disappeared under his shirt. He seemed fragile with all of the injuries and part of her wanted to kiss each bruise, each scar until they healed. This was her fault, afterall for not standing up to Mic and not trusting Harm. But then, the Aussie's threat had seemed too real and calculated, as if he'd been planning it since they became engaged. It wasn't so much her career that she cared about, it was Harm's or the fact that Mic had insinuated physically hurting him. She didn't know how far the man would go, so she did what she thought was right to protect Harm

* * *

After their fight, Mic had relocated to the sofa for the evening and Mac suspected he abhorred the thought of being near her for a time which was fine with her. She didn't want to be touched by him, not when the sensation of Harm's hands on her skin was so recent.

_Harm_.

She knew he'd called, the incessant vibrating of the mobile in her drawer keeping her up all night. Mac was desperate to speak to him, to beg Harm to save her from the life she'd foolishly fallen into. Hadn't he told her things would be alright?

Why wasn't he there now? Why wasn't he protecting her? How could he send her back to Mic? Mac felt like a weak woman, not the Marine officer. A stupid, weak woman.

It had taken her longer than usual to get ready the following morning, the need to cover the bruise on her cheek forced Mac to try again and again until it was barely noticeable.

She'd hoped to arrive before Harm and hole up in her office under the guise of surmounting paperwork. It had worked for a while, he'd been absent on a quick investigation in the morning. It was when she left the law library and pushed past rye double glass doors that she found him waiting. "Mac."

"Not now, Commander." Mac's tone was positively icy, often enough he would get the hint and stay away. Instead, he followed her into the office, closing the door after he walked inside uninvited. "I said not now."

Mac hoped he would leave and not notice the mark on her cheek. she knew he would see it, so she kept that side of her face away from him. "Harm…"

"I called you...all night." Desperate voice. "I called your house, your cellphone. I wanted to go by but, I was afraid of what might happen." She wouldn't turn to face him and Harm felt a deep scene of fear settle in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't regeetted what happened between them but, did Mac? The sense of losing her, really losing her was real now not a fabrication that had gnawed at him for the last year. In his haste to not cause Mac more trouble had he pushed her into Mic's arms? "Mac, _please_."

All he wanted was time to think, a night to figure out how to remove her from the Australian's hold. There was Renee to think about as well although that relationship would be easier to deal with. Truth be told, it was getting harder and harder to pretend. Renee knew it, caught him in a descriptive fantasy where he thought she was Mac. He was her 'miracle' but, the thought of being tied down to her day in, day out made him want to run. After last night, he knew exactly who to run to. He knew, without reservation, he'd fallen helplessly _in love_ with Mac.

Something changed between their last moments together. He'd kissed her, promised they would survive the fall out. He loved her…. and then he left her behind. It was a mistake, Harm knew but, given the evidence of their lovemaking on his slacks, there was little he could do. "Sarah, talk to me."

It was the way Harm said her given name like silk over gravel that had her turning to face him. She'd done a good job at concealing the bruise which formed on her cheek. It was one of the few talents she learned from her mother; coverall to hide a multitude of sins. Mac had gotten good at it, enough that she was able to hide the all night alcohol binges.

Despite tediously applying concealer, he knew. Somehow, Harm knew what Mic had done. "Harm."

"Oh Mac." His hand came up to her cheek, tenderly pressing his palm where he spotted the difference. She'd done an excellent job of concealing the mark and yet, he saw it. He knew and had to clamp down on the anger that raged inside. "I'm going to kill that mother fuc…"

She pressed her hand against his. "I'm okay...He's never...It was this _one_ time." The words spilled out, mirroring those of her own mother who tried to justify Joe MacKenzie's abusive behavior. It was never his fault, always hers for being too opinionated, too mouthy, not keeping dinner warm enough. It disgusted her but, she needed to pretend until she found a way to free herself from Mic Brumby.

Mac pushed his hand off her cheek. She couldn't feel his hands on her now, it would make it impossible to walk away.

"_One_ time? Oh, Mac." He reached out to touch her again but, she stepped away, rounded her desk trying to keep some space between them. "He shouldn't have… No matter what he knew.. He shouldn't have...I would _never_…"

No he wouldn't despite being angry Mac knew Harm was incapable of being abusive. Like her, he abhorred abusive men and hated when he was tasked with defending one. "Look, We can't do this. I was weak and seduced...It...it...w-was a m-mistake."

Seduced? If anything she seduced him. "Then why are you crying?" He saw the tears she brushed aside and his hatred for Brumby rose tenfold. "I promised you we'd work this out, be together. I meant it."

"How?" This was killing her slowly, leaving her so bereft. Most of the night she tried to find a way to call him, to go to him but, Mic had warned her not to contact Harm.

_'I'll destroy him.'_ His words were enough to make her stay - she needed to protect Harm and find her own way out of her mess even if it meant breaking his heart. "Mic gave up everything to have me… what are you willing to give up?"

"What? You're testing me?" What had Mic done to her? She was kidding herself by thinking he couldn't read the fear in her eyes. This wasn't the woman who'd surrendered to him. "Whatever he's threatening you with...You're a Marine, you can kick his sorry ass…"

"I'm marrying him, Harm." She said in tone meant not to be questioned. "As much as I want to tell myself that I don't, part of me loves him. And this… this isn't fair to him." Mac held his gaze with a fierce intensity, daring him to fight her.

"What about us?"

"There is no us." She hated herself for doing this, hurting the one true love of her life and hoped he would forgive her at some point.

"You said I'd never lose you." He was slowly moving towards her, carefully rounding the desk so she wouldn't run from him. Cornering Mac was never a good idea, they were alike that way so his movment was measured and cautious. "Has that changed?"

"That was before...before we…"

"We made love." When Mac wouldn't say the words he supplied them for her. "Made love cause that's exactly what it was." When he leaned in to kiss her, Harm expected a sort of resistance that never came. One tentative brush of his lips over hers and Mac responded. Her lips moved with his, taking and giving, remembering. He brought a hand around her waist, crushing her body against his.

When they broke apart her eyes were heavily lidded, glowing in passion and love. "You can't deny this...You can't deny _us_, Mac."

No, she couldn't not any longer, but why did he have to choose this moment to state his intentions? "Why now, Harm? I tried with you countless times. You always, always pushed me away...why now? It's too late for us."

Mac was right, he knew. The timing was terrible but then, he never expected things to go this far. He always thought she'd be in his life, forever. His best friend, the woman he'd fallen for was not meant to be his and the knowledge that he would let her go, for good, made his heart ache. "I'm sorry."

"Sarah, luv?" The intrusion was not needed or wanted and Mic had seen the kiss, allowing it because it would be the final goodbye. After the honeymoon, he had planned to move them to Australia, find some billet for Mac to fill or not. If he had his way, Sarah would never see Rabb again. "Ready? We had plans for lunch, remember?"

Harm was glaring at him, his eyes willing laser beams to eradicate the slime standing at Mac's door. He didn't even have the common decency to knock, simply stepped in like it was his right to do so. Unconsciously, his body stiffened and his fists balled tightly as Harm stood to his full height.

It was a blind kind of rage that had him moving away from Mac with intent to obliterate the Australian. He made to charge and would have if Mac's hand hadn't wrapped around his wrist. "Harm. No."

He turned to face her, his body relaxing when he saw the pleading in her eyes. "Mac...Mac." Harm tried to stop her but Mic had taken her in his arms and pressed a kiss on the crown of her head.

"Let's go." Mac urged, unravelling herself from Mic's hold and trying to usher him out of the office. "We'll be late." She moved first, leaving both men standing face to face and expecting a brawl.

"You got a problem, Rabb?" Mic's grin was of the shit eating variety. He'd bested his nemesis again despite what happened between them. He got the girl.

Harm stepped closer, grabbing the lapels of Mic's expensive business suit. He pulled the shorter man close, pure hatred fueled the adrenaline running through his body, making him stronger. He whirled them around, slamming Mic into the filing cabinets. "You hurt her again, you're a dead man."

"Let go, Rabb!" Though Mic was equally strong, he was no match for Harm's rising temper.

He slammed Mic again for good measure, ignoring the stares from everyone in the bullpen. "There's nowhere in the World you could hide from me if anything happens to Mac...I'll find you.. _I'll end you_."

Mac had heard Harm's words which were likely the reason why Mic's temperament changed around her. He'd turned back into the man she was trying to fall for: sweet and caring, doting after her like a lovesick puppy. He claimed to have forgiven her.

Her relationship with Harm had taken a severe blow, each second they spent in the same room together was stifling. His eyes begged for some sort of explanation that she never gave.

"I'm sorry. I overstepped the bounds of a well wisher." Harm said one afternoon, it was his attempt to ease the tension. "Whatever you have with him...I hope you're happy."

One week later he would drop the ultimate bomb in the form of his quals that would coincide with her nuptials. It felt like he'd opened a gaping hole in her already broken heart. For reasons Mac didn't want to entertain, she needed him there. He was the one lifeline in her chaotic life, the man who could save her from a new disaster. "If you need me there to make it work, you might want to consider who you're marrying."


	4. A Beautiful Mistake

Army Wives fans will like the chapter of this title, do you remember where it came from?

**Chapter 4 - A Beautiful Mistake**

Harm was lucky that Chegwidden had been in a charitable mood and downright surprised Mic hadn't pressed for him to be charged with conduct unbecoming. He had never lost his temper so savagely but, the innate want to destroy the other man turned him into an animal. His hands hurt where he'd grabbed Mic by the lapels roughly pushing him into the steel cabinets. The only reason why it hadn't turned into an all out slugfest was because Mac was still there.

Even so, he'd been dressed down for his actions, tasked with desk duty and taken off of his current cases as punishment. He took it graciously even agreeing to give Mac a wide berth. He sat at the opposite end of the conference table during meetings when they almost always sat next to each other. He avoided her during lunch and sent Harriet into Mac's office when he needed something.

Still, he couldn't help watching her as she moved through the bullpen or anywhere really. Harm was hyper intune with her whereabouts, always knowing exactly where she was. Several times he'd caught her looking at him, an expression of sadness and regret, maybe a bit of disdain that he hadn't stated his intentions sooner. God, how he wanted to go back to Sydney Harbor and not screw things up so badly.

The wedding was now one week away and Harm needed to talk to Mac and save whatever he could of their friendship. He had to know she was okay although visible signs that Brumby had hurt her again were nonexistent.

He felt like a bit of a stalker waiting by the elevators but, it was the only place they could be alone. So, when she walked out of the bullpen, head buried in a file, he went in behind her, hitting the emergency stop once the doors closed. "I need to talk to you."

"Harm...please…"

"I'm worried about you...I need to know that you're okay, that he didn't…" He looked her up and down, stopping to see that the mark on her face was completely gone and not hidden behind foundation.

"Mic forgave me." Mac said in a soft shaky voice that betrayed the hard look she was giving him. Although he was standing on the opposite side of the cab, the proximity to Harm made the space intensely claustrophobic. He looked so sad and hurt, his eyes a blue grey and his appearance wasn't that of a polished naval officer. There were bags under his eyes, his skin was a little ashen and his shoulders were slumped. She hated seeing him like that and would have moved Heaven and Earth to go back to the evening when they became lovers.

She didn't regret it, not for a second only wished one of them would have been braver and put an end to her stupid engagement. Better yet, maybe they just should have eloped and never looked back. Mac would have been happy with Harm and she would have done her damndest to make sure he was equally happy with her.

This was unfair but then, their relationship always had been a series of miscommunication and foolishness. They traded pushing each other away both for the most selfish of reasons until nothing was left of them but one night in the back of Harm's car. God, how torrid that sounded, how unlike them and yet, that had been there tryst.

The days after had been rough for her specifically having to deal with her fiance and the looks he would give her - disapproving, hurt and hateful. It had taken a day or two to smooth things over and pretend everything would be alright after he'd hit her. The problem was that Mac was now skittish around the man, waiting for him to strike once again. Mic on the other hand was doting over her, showering Mac with flowers and jewelry, going bankrupt to fall into her favour again.

She found it so odd, how one man would try so hard when she'd been made love to by another. Mic just didn't seem to get her dynamic with Harm, not really. Not to the point where he realized she would never, ever love him as much as Harm - there was no denying that to herself any longer. She was in love with Harm and would be until the day she died. Mic would only stave the lonely nights and, for a time, even that wasn't working anymore.

"I'm sorry for what happened." Harm said, although that was far from the truth. He wanted her for years and didn't realize just how alive he would feel in her arms until his body was connected intimately with hers. It had been his undoing and he knew with certainty that no woman would ever come close to making him feel what Mac had. He did regret the outcome, his own cowardice in asking her to return to Mic. He didn't think of what could of and did happen; Harm never thought Brumby had an abusive streak in him. Yes, according to Mac it had been one time but, he knew from experience in abuse cases that it was never really just one time.

There was verbal abuse, emotional abuse and he was sure Mic had used some form of that on her. Why else would she return to him? You just didn't make love like they did and forget. For the life of him, he would never forget when the woman had branded his soul. "I never should have kissed you… I overstepped the bounds as a well wisher."

"No you shouldn't have." But then, he couldn't take all of the blame not when Mac initiated the kiss. Not when she allowed herself to be taken by him. "And I shouldn't have dragged you to the car… seduced you."

Harm grinned although the mirth never met his eyes. "Can't seduce the willing, Mac. I could have stopped you, I should have… I was weak." She made him weak. "I'm sorry."

He was surprised when Mac walked across the cab and pressed a hand to his forearm. She didn't pull away when his hand came over hers. "Stop apologizing. We're both to blame here."

The air seemed to be sucked out of the small space and the electrical current between them breathed to life, swirling around them. His eyes honed on her lips and the soft shade of red that she wore which accentuated their curves. Harm's heart began to hammer hard and he had to physically stop himself from pulling Mac to him and kissing her senseless. Instead, he pulled her hand off of his forearm and took a step back finding that there was nowhere to go. "Can we salvage any of this? I told you that I didn't want to lose you and I meant that… at all costs."

"I don't want to lose you either."

"You're my best friend, Mac… I don't want to give that up."

Neither did she. However painful it felt, Mac knew that her husband-to-be may have a say on who she was spending her time with and Harm would be first on that list. "I'll try."

Awkwardly, they stood just watching eachother waiting, daring for someone to make a move. Finally, the air rushed out of Harm's lungs from a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Are you happy?"

Was she? Mac wasn't sure what happiness was anymore and felt she didn't have the right to experience it after what they'd done. Of all the times she'd criticized women in her shoes about infidelity and now she'd fallen into the same ground, it made her feel like a hypocrite. "Mic still wants to marry me, despite what happened between us...He wants to give me a good life, a family, kids and I want that too." Just not with Mic.

"That's not what I asked. Are you happy, Sarah?"

No but, she had no choice to pretend. "Yes. He makes me happy." Mac's heart broke with that statement, she didn't know that Harm's had as well.

"We're not going to see much of each other anymore, are we?" His question was more of a statement, a truth neither of them wanted to admit. Mac didn't reply, she couldn't. "Where does this leave us?"

At the end, the very end. "As friends who made a beautiful mistake." She came to her toes and pressed a kiss against his lips - soft and chaste - and then she hit the button to send the elevator into motion again.

* * *

Mac stood in his living room, still watching him sleep. He mumbled something incoherently and she decided it was time to put him to bed. "Harm? Wake up." Carefully she shook him and then helped him sit up as he winced in pain. She wondered how many more injuries there were, if he was hiding something. "You need to get some rest… You look exhausted."

"I am." Harm confessed and allowed Mac to help him stand, wobbling slightly when his knee threatened to give out. She kept him upright, taking some of his weight until he was able to balance with the assistance of his cane.

Together they hobbled across the loft and up the steps to his bedroom where Harm unceremoniously dropped himself into the mattress with a loud groan. "Easy, sailor."

"This sucks." He grumbled as he settled in.

Mac had taken a few pillows and placed them under his knee to take some pressure off the limb. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, it helps." He still grimaced and Mac frowned at his discomfort.

"You're in pain. Do you need medication? Is it in the kitchen?" She pointed past the louvered windows and nearly set herself in motion until Harm stopped her.

"I don't want to pop more pills, Mac. They make me sick and only take the edge off."

"Oh." She stood there, dumbly looking down at him. "I ah… what can I do?"

Harm patted the spot on the bed next to him. "Stay with me."


	5. Stay With Me

**Chapter 5 - Stay With Me**

"Stay with me." Mac felt a rush go through her, the sound of his voice making her shake. Despite sleeping next to each other a time or two, they had never actually shared a bed. In the past she would have jumped at the chance but, given the last month and what became of them, she eyed Harm suspiciously.

"Harm, no. You need your rest." She tried to rationalize because the thought of being so close to him scared her.

"So do you."

Mac shook her head and the walls that had crumbled hours ago came back up. The battle of wills began as well - the woman who wanted to be loved versus the Marine who didn't need his comfort. "I'd better go."

Harm sat up, wincing when the sudden movement sent a shooting pain from his low back to his knee. "No. Please, stay with me."

'_Stay with me.'__'Come to me.'_

He spoke in the same tone he'd used over the phone, soft and alluring only this time there was a hint of sadness and pain. Still, Mac hesitated, teetering on the edge of running away when all she wanted was to seek and give comfort. She knew a sort of peace would be found in his arms but, given her behavior just a few days before the mishap, she felt undeserving of his attention.

"Mac, please...I don't want to be alone." There was a fragility to his words that would have been a surruptipus ploy had she not seen the look in his eyes. Harm seemed lost, alone and his eyes were what finally drew Mac to his side.

She carefully slipped into his bed, under the covers he'd raised for her. Mac had every intention in staying on the far end but her traitorous body moved closer to Harm. "Am I hurting you?" She asked, although he was mindful of his injuries.

"No." Harm gently brought her against him so that Mac's head rested on his chest. Without asking, his fingers began running through her hair and he found the sensation of the strands through his fingers to be oddly soothing. "I don't want to be alone." He sighed, as if his admittance cost him something. "Every time I...every time I close my eyes...it's...I'm still out there...still in the water…"

They had challenged the fates but never more so than the evening of her rehearsal dinner. That evening was easily the most gut wrenching time of her life that could have been prevented. It had been her fault, her doing, the weak woman who let things with Mic tumble so out of control. "I should have wished you luck…" But, she didn't, instead let Mic's idle threat and her fear of Harm not being at the wedding drive her anger.

* * *

A week had gone by since they chat in the elevator. Harm had given her space, so much that she felt suffocated by it. He was cordial with her but his eyes couldn't hide his pain or the intense desire that made her shiver when she stared into their depths.

Mac was desperate to break free from a life she was sure to hate and a future husband she would always fear. Her salvation, she knew, was in Harm and the hopes that he would step up and put an end to their shared misery.

She dreamt of him standing in front of the congregation, before she and Mic would take their vows. She dreamt of him in dress whites and gold wings proclaiming his love of her and ending her farce of a marriage. And it was all a dream because she knew Harm was too honorable to do such a thing and yet, that honorable man had made love to a taken woman.

Mac had spotted him in the bullpen and made a beeline to his location. "Renee says she would miss the church but would arrive in time for the rehearsal dinner...I'm heading out...I guess I'll see you tomorrow night?" She didn't want to seem too expectant but, she needed him there, he needed to save her like he promised.

"Mac, we talked about this. I'm not coming."

And just like that, her heart sank and broke apart for good measure. "Talked about what?"

"I got my six-month quals."

"You're going to a carrier!?" The panic in her voice was evident and Mac wished to God he could read and understand the look in her eyes. She needed him there, it was the only way out. _Please, Flyboy._ "You didn't tell me this…"

"I did, long before you set a date."

"Will you, at least, make the ceremony?" Her eyes were pleading with him, a last ditch effort to free her from a man she didn't want when she couldn't free herself. But, she knew the answer before she asked; Mac knew was running away. Not that she could blame him, she hadn't given him a reason to fight for her.

"No."

"Couldn't you do your quals another time? You fly three, maybe four times a year and for that you'll miss my wedding?" She was shaking now, visibly so and their conversion had caught the attention of everyone in the bullpen. It was embarassing to show her vulnerability so openly in front of the staff so Mac turned on her heels moving quickly to her office only to find him in tow."You _have to_ be there."

"After everything that happened, what good would it do? I'm trying to give you space here." He dumbly tried to explain but his words merited little conviction. "I'm trying to do the right thing."

"You're my _best friend_….I need you there."

"What the hell for?" He couldn't hold back his anger, not towards her but, the situation they'd been thrust into. Couldn't she see that this had ruined him and broken his heart so badly? "Frankly, if you need me there to make it work, you may wanna consider who you're marrying." The look in her eyes did him in, the pain which burned into anger with her steely glare. "Mac, I'm sorr…"

"Have fun." Her tone was positively icy as she placed a hand on his chest and backed him out of her office. "Get out."

"You're not gonna wish me luck?"

"No." She said simply and then slammed her door shut once Harm was on the opposite side.

Mac shut all of her blinds, locked the door, then settled into one of her guest chairs and cried.

* * *

Harm sighed. "I was trying to head back...to you." He admitted and felt her stiffen in his arms.

The quals had gone well, he was getting better with each trap, earning his place on that carrier. He'd even forgotten about Mac and Mic about their tryst and enjoyed the moment. Jet Fuel ran through his veins, making him come alive until Skates had asked about 'the Colonel' and he begrudgingly divulged information about the upcoming nuptials.

It was Skates that had him searching for a ride home, eager to hop on the first COD back to Washington. _'You're in love with her, aren't you?'_ The young woman asked and though he provided no answer it set forth a sense of desperation. He needed to be there to stop the wedding, he had to get back to her.

"To me?"

Harm nodded. "Yeah Mac...to you."

She didn't want to think about it… what would have happened if he'd made it back... Mac didn't wan't to dwell on what ifs knowing it wouldn't matter anymore. "What happened exactly? With the tomcat?"

Harm shrugged. "Commander Loftness believes it was faulty, too many hard deck landings plus lightning scrambled the computers."

"I thought a Tomcat could fly through a hurricane?"

"It can...I just...I fought the controls and nothing worked, I just couldn't keep her in the air…and then...I wanted to die." He said quietly.

"Please don't say that."

"It's true...the water was so cold, it sucked the breath out of me the moment I went in….and then the shroud lines got tangled...no amount of training could prepare you for that."

"You've ejected before."

"Not like this...there was a malfunction, the damned ejection seat was stuck, I had to pull the emergency handle...it was dark out there, cold...The parachute pulled me down...I couldn't breathe."

* * *

Through the flashes of lightning Harm could see the angry, rolling ocean below. Stupidly, he'd taken his helmet off, ignoring protocols that had been ingrained into him during SERE training. Neither the ramp strike or ejecting in the wilds of Russia could prepare him for this.

The pelting rain felt like needles on his face and what little exposed skin he had. Harm never expected the ocean to he so damned cold when the chute finally plunged him into the sea. Cold water seeped past the g-suit and through the flight suit itself stealing the very breath from his lungs. Any attempt to swim was futile as his boots began to feel heavier, like his feet were encased in concrete blocks making kicking to stay above the surface almost impossible.

The parachute that was supposed to save him became a noose, it's shroud lines somehow tangled around his neck effectively hanging him under water. Desperately he fought to free himself as his lungs burned and begged him for air. Some water had gone into his lungs and Harm continued to battle against the want to breathe underwater.

It was his knife that saved him, slashing through the lines, freeing him although reaching the surface took a great deal of effort.He gulped for air which raced into his lungs along with sea water and rain making his lungs protest even more.

Harm fought the roaring waves whilst regrouping enough to begin a mental checklist of water survival. The raft...he needed to deploy his raft, climb in and hold on for dear life.

The ocean had other plans for him.

Harm fought the waves and pelting rain valiantly and once the raft opened he crawled onto it from one end. "No!" He was close, so close to making it aboard only for a huge swell to rip it from his hands. "God, please no!" His clothes made it too difficult to swim; his salvation floated farther and farther away.

Three passes and the SAR team missed him each and every time. "Hey! Help!" He kept yelling at the chopper, an absurdly feeble form of self preservation when Harm knew they couldn't hear him.

When a fourth pass failed to spot him, that was when Harm knew he would die.

They wouldn't search for him again and the cold ocean water had slowly snapped the energy out of his body making him impossibly weak. He'd already experienced the first stage of hypothermia, the uncontrollable shivering, his hands and feet numbing. The second stage was tough to fight through, he wanted to sleep and would nod off for a second or two only to forget where he was.

It was easier just to let his body go and let it submerge under the waves and so he did. Only something brought him back to the surface, refusing to let Harm disappear, a voice he kept hearing. The tears of a woman calling his name - _her_ voice. "Sarah..."

* * *

"I heard your voice. Although I can't make sense of it...I heard you call my name...felt this odd...pull and then a wave crashed over me, took me under." Harm was sure he died that very moment. He was far too lethargic, too cold for his body to stay alive. His last thought would be of Mac and that was a good thing, that wasn't such a bad way to die. "And then I woke up at the hospital."

"How'd they find you? My coordinates weren't that exact."

Harm shrugged, "They said I used my firearm to get the SAR crew's attention… I don't remember that… I don't remember being rescued either just waking up in the hospital."

"That was the worst night of my life." Mac confessed. She raised her head up to look at him to find his eyes brimming with tears just like her own. They had been clinging to each other during his story, two lifelines who found their mooring. "I was so scared." And she felt so damned guilty. "It was my fault you were out there."


	6. Rescue

**Chapter 6 - Rescue**

She was supposed to be happy. Nervous, stressed but happy; a prerequisite to every blushing bride's final days as a single woman. Mac plastered a convincing smile, yet another act of self preservation she'd picked up from her mother - on the outside, everything was perfect.

The wedding rehearsal had gone off without a hitch despite her visibly shivering when Mic's hand took hers. He was genuinely happy, the conquering hero who was just a few hours away from getting the girl.

Mac felt trapped and suffocated although this was her own doing. Although she'd wanted to blame Harm for not giving into his feelings sooner, he didn't push her into Mic's arms. That was her doing, the endgame for a weak woman who just wanted to be loved at all costs.

And now, she was stuck out of fear of what Mic would do. She'd seen another side to her fiance and wouldn't put it past him physically hurting Harm. So, she would stay to protect him, live in misery until Mic tired of her.

"Where are you honeymooning?" At the restaurant Renee had been standing by Mac idly chit-chatting though it was clear she couldn't stand the Marine. It was like the woman knew or, at least sensed that something had happened.

Mac frowned. "Australia...Sydney for sure. Then Mic said he had a surprise for me." A surprise she wasn't even mildly curious about. It was bad enough that Mac was suffering some trepidation over the wedding night and the duties a wife needed to perform for her husband, now she had to contend with two weeks in Australia.

They hadn't slept together since a few days before that night. For days Mic glared at her with disgust and anger although claiming to have forgiven the affair. Mac was sure he would never touch her again. Now it filled her with fear and apprehension of what their wedding night would be like, how much faking she'd have to do and if he would notice.

Sex with Mic had been palitable; the man tried to please her ans did from time to time but, he wasn't Harm. Despite the location of their tryst it was...exquisite.

"Heard from Harm?" Renee's voice made her jump.

Mac shook her head. "Why would he call me?"

Renee studied her a little too keenly, a little too knowingly. She may not have known all of the details but, the other woman knew that Harm and Mac had feelings for one another. This marriage was a way for Renee to put some definite space between them. "Why indeed...Maybe this wedding will push him to making us a little more permanent."

Oh God, no. Renee was annoying, in Mac's opinion. The kind of woman that would suck his soul and probably even force him to leave the Navy for her convenience. He'd may have a critique about tur men she dated but, he wasn't faring any better. The women he picked. "Yeah, maybe."

Bud was in the middle of his toast when Chegwidden turned to the group with the most devastating news she'd ever heard. "Harm and his RIO Lt. Hawkes got in some trouble on a bingo to Andrews…They're believed to have gone down at sea."

Instantly, Mac felt dizzy, her vision tunneling as she glared at her CO hoping this was some sort of cosmic joke. She felt Mic's arm that was wrapped around her squeeze in an attempt at comfort but, to Mac, it was like a vice. "Why was he flying in this weather?"

"He was trying to get back in time for the ceremony." There was something in the way Chegwidden looked at her, as if he knew something had gone one between his two senior officers. It made Mac feel like a widow that needed to be comforted not the guilt ridden friend.

Each minute that passed felt like hours complicated by the speakerphone that was patched to Henry and the futile efforts of the SAR team. They had found Skates relatively quickly but, the inceeasibfly terrible weather made finding Harm almost impossible.

Each attempted was broadcasted for the group to hear, the sullen voices relaying coordinates and details made Mac's heater hammer uncontrollably. Another pass and no sign of him, the unruly weather forcing the team to cease operations.

Her desperation became apparent as Mac nearly snapped at the Skipper's decision to ground thr SAR crew. She had forgotten her place, the good officer which showed no emotion in lieu of the woman in love with her best friend.

She ran from the group, finding an empty dining room where the warmth of guilt and loneliness would welcome her. Mac never wished him luck, refused to like a petulant child. The agony of her mistake tore at her already fragile heart and all she could do was cry and pray.

In the darkened room she watched the rain, how it pelted the floor to ceiling windows. He was out there in this mess because of their equal stupidity in hiding feelings that were unbridled. Mac would have traded anything to take Harm's place. "I'm sorry, Harm...I'm so damned sorry."

This, all of this was her fault, her doing - the action of a weak woman who didn't stand her ground. For all of her 'I'm a Marine' speeches Mac was nothing but weak when it counted the most. She swore she could sense his pain, the intense cold steeping the life out of his body. He was alive, she knew it and they needed to find him soon.

Mac didn't know how long she'd been crying and only felt the magnitude of her tears when Mic eventually followed her into the empty room. "Sarah…"

"Mic...don't." She didn't want him there, didn't need him there and hoped by not replying he would get the hint and leave her alone. Mac didn't want to be comforted or told false promises of how Harm would be rescued.

When she turned to him, Mac saw the shock written on his face. In that finite moment he likely realized that she would never love him, not how he loved her. He raised his hand to brush a tear away and stopped when Mac flinched. He didn't seem upset by this, his slack jaw tightened but his eyes looked at her in sadness. His hand dropped back to his side. "You should be with those who love and support you."

He was right, this had been a pain that wasn't hers alone to bear. She let Mic lead her out, let him take her to JAG Headquarters where her friends had gathered. Mac walked past Harm's office finding a few that had congregated around Renee as if she were the grieving widow.

As the hours ticked on, Mac's desperation increased, each pass of the SAR crew netted no good news and eventually, they would suspend the search.

Mac was sure she'd die of a broken heart the moment Harm would be feared missing at sea. She was bracing herself for it, the guilt chewing her insides until Chloe reminded her of a unique gift which Mac never fully understood. "Why haven't you tried to find him like you found me?"

"I need your help, I can't do it alone." She was too tired, too cold, too helpless but, as Mac held Chloe's hands and concentrated she was able to see.

It was the oddest of gifts, the vision that would pinpoint Harm's location. Behind closed eyes she saw the sea and the dark angry waves that only seemed to swell more and more. She felt the cold and a pain in her lungs that sucked the breath right out of her; she imagined that was what drowning felt like. And then, Mac saw it - the empty raft illuminated by a single bolt of lightning.

_Harm!_

* * *

"It was my fault you were out there." She said sadly and rolled away from him to lie on her back. The guilt had been killing her, chewing away her insides even when he was home and safe. "I took his ring, I spent two years believing I could eventually fall for him…I was a weak, stupuf woman...I let him manipulate me."

"Did you love him? Really love him?"

Mac sighed, she honestly didn't know anymore. Before the night of her engagement party the answer would have been more precise. "No...Yes...I...Please don't, Harm...I…"

He reached for her urging Mac to return to her previous position with her head resting on his shoulder. "You ran to him...Why?"

"He was at the right place at the wrong time...He said he loved me and you didn't seem to care."

"I'm talking about that night...when we…" Harm trailed off, he wouldn't call it an affair when it was so much more to him. Ideal it wasn't but, when they separated, there was hope and understanding. How that crashed so imperceptibly, he'd never understand. "He hurt you...I would never ever...Why did you stay with him?"

It sounded so foolish now given how abruptly Mic disappeared from her life without any regard for the destruction he left behind. And in a way, she still feared him and how far he would go in the name of vengeance. "He threatens us...you..Your career, your life...I couldn't let him."

In a word, Harm felt gutted. He should have seen it, should have confronted the other man and staked his claim on Mac. Instead he backed off for her sake and he wouldn't make that mistake again. "I love you...I loved you back in Sydney too...I was just…"

"Scared."

"Yeah."

"Me too." She turned her head and held his gaze, those stormy eyes of his unreadable. "I love you too."


	7. We're Through

**Chapter 7 - We're Through**

Mac stepped into her apartment and immediately stepped out of her heels she collapsed into the sofa. She was exhausted…no..._drained_ was the proper word to use. It was like someone had zapped all of the energy out of her.

Harm was _alive. _Wonderfully, mercifully, _alive_ and she had found him. She breathed a sigh of relief, the pang of guilt abating somewhat just not enough until he was back home.

"You're thinking about _him_ aren't you?" Mic had settled next to her, draped an arm across her shoulders and pulled Mac close despite a resistance to keep him away. "Of course you are."

"He's my best friend."

"I thought I was your best friend." He tucked a finger under her chin, turning Mac's face so that she could look at him. There was a harshness in his tone and a vulnerability all the same, a duality that made no sense. "I know you care for Harm."

She pulled her head away, deciding this was her chance, the time to definitely stand up to him. He's seen what Harm's brief brush with death had done to her, why bother denying the personal hell she'd been living in? "I _love_ him...I always will."

His teeth ground, his jaw tightened and released. Roughly he took her face and kissed her. It wasn't soft or romantic, just devoid of any emotion other than anger. "Tomorrow I'll call the caterer, the florist and...we'll set a new date...We'll set a new date and everything will be as it should."

"Mic." She said his name on a heavy sigh, her heart weighing heavy. This had to end and it had to end _now_ consequences be damned. "It's over _we're_ over."

He looked at her as if she'd said something funny, even had the audacity to laugh when tears rolled down her cheeks. Mic kissed her again, softly this time and then stood. "The church too…The padre said it was available next weekend."

"Mic...no."

He was pacing now, his movements akin to something of a mad man as he ticked off each word from a mental checklist. "Florist...Limousine."

"Mic...I'm not marrying you…"

He laughed again when she spoke and then resumed the pacing. "I can make changes to the menu…"

"Mic."

"Hire that silly band you like...I have the connections now."

"Mic!" Mac jumped up and stepped in front of him. Her hands came up his chest forcing him to stop and look at her. "I am not marrying you...I'm not..._this_...we are _over_."

His hand came up to her face and Mic gently moved his fingers along the contours. "You are so incredibly beautiful...I fell for you from the start you know...I knew you'd be mine."

"No...I love Harm. I'll _always_ love Harm. I'm sorry."

Her words seemed to sink in if the look in his eyes was any indication. Mic's eyes seemed so sad, like his world was crashing down around him. "He doesn't love you, Sarah...if he did he would have walked in and faced me that night. Instead he ran away. He left you."

"No, Mic. You just don't understand."

"Oh, I do, Sarah. You have history."

"Yes."

He nodded in what she thought was understanding and part of her saddened to see the defeated look in his eyes. "Did you even love me? Or was I always second best?"

"Yes, yes I did love you...part of me always will." It was the truth, Mac had feelings for him, still did but, what she felt for Harm was so much more. It scared her to walk away from a sure thing to venture into the unknown but then, she'd seen a side of Mic that she didn't know existed. The mark on her cheek had only recently begun to fully fade and she just couldn't pretend anymore.

He carefully touched the cheek that he'd slapped so many days ago, regret settling deep within him at his mistake. "I never should have let you go out that night...I told Renee you needed to say goodbye, needed that time… All I did was lose you."

It would have been inevitable, Mac knew. Perhaps not to this degree but, one of them would have slipped and the doubt would have settled in like a cancer. Mac would have been happy with Mic just not completely, Harm would have always held a piece of her heart. "I never intended to hurt you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Mic pulled his hand away. "I'm not _that_ kind of man, Sarah." He touched her again with a shaky hand, framing her face tenderly. "I'll always love you." He pressed a kiss to her lips and then let her go.

The days that followed dragged on with little information about Harm's condition other than he was alive and stable. She went to work thankful that her friends and colleagues were much more concerned about his welfare than her impending nuptials.

It was when he arrived in Bethesda that her World came tumbling down yet again. "Amnesia?" Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach at what she would find once they were allowed to see Harm.

She didn't know what was worse: losing him completely or finding a man who couldn't even recognize his own self. Quietly, she slipped away from the small group of visitors as the Doctor regaled Chegwidden with the extent of Harm's injuries.

Mac hadn't stepped inside the room when she heard the voices conversational and jovial of Harm and Renee. "Tell me you love me." The woman said and through the reflection of a mirror Mac could see her sitting on Harm's bed.

Renee's hand was splayed on his chest, her lips kissing down his neck. She did something, touched him a certain way that made him moan. "I love you." Harm spoke the words clearly with little hesitation as he pulled Renee closer for them to kiss.

* * *

Closing her eyes, Mac prayed that this was a dream, a sort of nightmare she needed to awaken from. It wasn't because she heard his voice one more time. "I love you, Renee." Any hope, everything she had ever clung to, the pain the suffering hit her full force all at once and she was lost.

Dejected, she stepped away from the door and hurried down the hall...she let a good man go for one who loved another… What had she done?

"I love you." Harm's lips brushed her own with a type of gentleness that made her heart clench. Mac would have given in, she should have given in if a particular memory of him telling another woman the same words didn't bubble to the surface.

"No, we can't." At once she pushed away, sitting up with her head against the wall. She wanted him so much, needed him just as badly and yet, there was someone else to contend with, the woman that he claimed to love and it wasn't her.

"Mac? What's wrong?"

"Renee." The name was like an atom bomb dropped between the two of them shaking the already precarious ground.

"Mac." Harm sat up slowly, his low groan a sign that his body protested the movement. Carefully, he pushed himself up enough so that he could look her in the eye and affirm what he believed she knew. "We're through. I don't love her."

Mac shook her head, she wouldn't be part of another affair, wouldn't destroy someone else's life for the sake of her happiness. It was wrong of her to be here with Harm taking comfort when she knew he had someone else. "It's okay to tell me...I know you love her, I heard you."

"What?! When?"

"At the hospital, when they brought you home."

The memories of the few days he spent in Bethesda were hazy at best. He was in and out of consciousness, the sedatives they used kept him asleep most of the time so that his body could heal. He had many visitors during his stay from family to colleagues but, one person was missing - the one who mattered the most. "You never visited...I asked for you."

"The day that you arrived, I went...I heard…"

Harm shook his head, trying to force his brain to queue up some sort of memory that made sense. The doctors believed he may never get all of his memories back and that was fine by him as they included his rescue and the fight to save him from hypothermia. Renee had been by his side as were his mother and step father but, he didn't remember sharing words of affection. He'd never admitted his feelings for Renee because there just weren't any to admit. He didn't love her, never would and lamented things going so far. "Renee and me… we're through, I told her tonight.. After you left… I told her I didn't love her."


	8. Gone

**Chapter 8 - Gone**

For days Harm hung in some sort of limbo, struggling through memories of who he was and what had happened to him. Through all of the bits and pieces he recalled there was always someone who came to the surface - a woman. He knew her, had a history with the beautiful brunette. He...loved her once, Harm knew but the blonde constantly at his side jumbled his mind and added to the confusion.

The scrambled memories didn't abate until he returned home and saw a picture displayed on a bookshelf by the door. A recently married couple that he knew to be Bud and Harriet - they had visited him at the hospital - and the brunette. _Mac_. He _remembered_...all of it, every last detail that had been buried since he lost consciousness in the ocean. He remembered her, them and the night that brought them to this horrible place.

_Mac_, the Marine who'd stolen his heart and made him fall in love when he'd closed himself off so long ago. She was his best friend, his confidante, his lover. _His lover_, even if it was for one night. And he'd let her go, accepted that she would marry another and was still flying home to stop the wedding and make his intentions known.

But, she hadn't visited him, not once and when Harm saw Mac's picture a great weight settled over his heart. Why hadn't she visited?

"Memory jogged a bit, sailor?" Renee purred, her hand tracing circles on his back that had been soothing days ago and now were anything but.

He shrugged off her touch and grabbed the next picture, the one of him and Mac holding baby AJ taken during his baptism. He never noticed how much they looked like a happy family until that very moment and Harm felt choked by the emotions that now ran rampant through him. "Yeah, more than I wanted to remember."

Renee pulled the frame out of his grasp and settled it so that the images faced the wall, obscured from his view. Her hand was running up and down his back again and a firm hand at his bicep urged Harm to move towards the sofa. "Sit, Harm. Relax a bit."

He slumped into the cushions, breathing a deep sigh of relief that he was finally home. "You don't have to stay, I'm fine… I think I can still take care of myself."

She was disappointed, a telling frown even zapped the light in Renee's eyes. "Are you sure?... I can…"

"Yes! I ah...just need some time...alone. I need to sleep without someone coming in to poke and prod me every five minutes."

Mercifully, she'd given in. citing the need to head to work and a zillion other things Harm drowned out when he began to think about Mac. He knew what he wanted the moment he stepped into that cock pit about to battle the storm from hell. And now...Why didn't she go to the hospital? Had they damaged each other so much?

Harm _needed_ to offer his gratitude for her unconventional rescue - he would have died if Mac's gift hadn't found him. For over an hour he sat alone on his sofa carefully surveying the damage to his body, the bumps and bruises left behind. His knee took the brunt and although he suffered no broken bones, tendons and ligaments needed to heal.

"Coming...Hang on." A knock on the door forced him to move but he could never expect to see her on the other side. "Mac?" He noted her pain expression, the eyes brimming with unshed tears.

"Hi, how..how are you?" She stood there looking at him, unwilling to step inside despite Harm opening the door wider.

"Alive, thanks to you."

She merely nodded and then an awkward silence stretched between them, deafening and uncomfortable. Mac couldn't look at him, not really and only stepped into the apartment out of a sort of desperation. And then she dropped a bomb. "He's leaving."

"Mic?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Harm went to one of the barstools and sat down in order to take weight off of his injured knee. "What happened?"

"He believes I don't love him."

* * *

Mac tried, after hearing Harm declare his love for Renee, she tried to make amends with a man that was preparing to walk out of her life. Mic was almost done packing what was left of his personal effects when she stepped into her apartment. "Stop. We need to talk about this."

"We did all the talking Sarah, not much left to say." He'd been folding his clothes, placing them in a cardboard box until her hands stopped him.

"Stay. I want you to stay...We can make this work...I want to marry you." Her shaking hands pressed against his chest and at once they were brushed away so fast and hard that it hurt.

Mic shook his head and took a step away as if having her so close was playing havoc on his good judgement. "Why do you want to marry me, Sarah? A few days ago you were happy to be rid of me."

"I...I love you." Only it wasn't true, not really. Any love Mac held for him disappeared the moment his hand struck the side of her face a few weeks earlier. "Please don't leave."

"Let me tell you why you're pleading with me to stay." He paused for a moment and stepped closer to Mac. His hand came up to her cheek which he caressed tenderly with his thumb. "I made a mistake, I never should have hit you...I was angry, irrational."

"I can forgive you for that."

"No." Mic's hands went to her shoulders which he grabbed almost forcefully. "You want me to stay not because I'm going to break your heart and not because you love me too much to let me go...You just don't want to be alone."

"That's not true!"

He snorted at her words and then let Mac go. "Rabb doesn't want you. I told you as much and I am your second choice...That's not a good enough reason for me to stay."

* * *

"Do you love him?" Harm asked, faintly hiding his worry at what she would say. "Do you?"

"Yes." The breath wooshed out of her lungs and Mac felt a weight settle on her shoulders. "No...God, I don't know."

Sadly, he watched her internal struggle, the battle that was making her physically sick. He noted that Mac looked thinner, her skin somewhat pale. This was his fault and it began the moment she kissed him on the Admiral's porch. He just couldn't let her walk away that night, God help him. "Tell him… Tell him that you love him."

His words made Mac's head snap up, the ultimate slap in the face of what was left of them. One stolen moment was all they would have and she felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest. "But...I love yo…"

"Harm?" She spun around to find Renee standing at the open doorway, her arms folded across her chest and eyebrows raised in question. "Hi Mac."

"Renee." Mac smiled tersely at the other woman who pushed past her only to wrap her arms around Harm. She was staking her claim, making it known that he was hers.

For effect Renee pressed her lips against his, kissing him a little too deeply given the fact that they weren't alone. "Something wrong? How's Mic?"

"I have to go…" She didn't offer any type of farewell and the need to rush out of his apartment was paramount.

Harm stared at his closed door, his own emotions swirling widely within. He just couldn't let her go. Despite Renee's protests, she hurried after Mac, thanking God that the elevator hadn't arrived at his floor. "Wait… Talk to me."

"What about Renee?"

"She can wait." He moved closer and saw the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks. "Oh Mac." Harm brushed away the tears and kept his hand pressed against her cheek. The want to kiss her was overwhelming so much that he found himself leaning in and brushing his lips against hers.

Mac gave into him for a moment. His lips felt so good over hers but, when he tried to deepen the kiss, she pulled away. He had a girlfriend, a woman that loved him and she was destined to find someone new. "I can't do this…We need to get psst this thing between us."

"I can't...I don't think you can either."

He was right, one night had integrated Harm into the fabric of her being. As much as she needed to let him go, it would be impossible. Mercifully the elevator made it to the floor and she was able to step away from him. "You have Renee...go to her."

"Mac, no. Please stay." Even as he pleaded, she still left.

"You're in love with her." There was no ignoring the accusation in Rnee's voice or the disgust at having seen her boyfriend kissing another woman.

Harm sighed, "I never wanted to hurt you but, this between us got too serious too fast."

"We've been together for almost two years, Harm. How is that too fast? You've led me on."

"No, I didn't, you assumed." He followed her back into the apartment.

"I wanted a good life with a good husband, I thought you'd be it… How long have you been sleeping with her?"

"I've never slept with Mac." He lied and knew the moment he'd been caught when Renee disappeared into his room. She returned with his sports jacket dangling it on two fingers. "Renee...what…" It was the one he'd draped over Mac's shoulders that night and it still smelled of her.

"Fixation...Not my kind of perfume but, it smells good on her." She admitted with a shrug. "You bought her a bottle for Christmas and it's stench is all over that jacket, along with Sarah MacKenzie's hair."

"Mac was cold...I…"

"You slept with her that night which is why you haven't let me touch you since."

Harm's shoulders slumped as the burden of his lie finally stepped into the light. Although he was ashamed, the revelation of their affair was like a weight had lifted. "There was nothing between us until then...It was one time." Twice, because his body recovered quickly enough for Harm to love Mac again. "I didn't want to hurt you...Mac and me we have a history you can't comprehend."

"History, huh?" She let the grey jacket drop from her fingers and pool to the floor. "If she cared for you, she wouldn't have left."

"I love her." He said as if the words would clarify everything. "I'll always love her."

"And me? Do you love me?" His silence was answer enough. Renee stepped up to him, stopping when he was close enough for her to kiss. Harm took a step back and that was when he felt the crack of her hand against his cheek. "You're a bastard Harmon Rabb and I hope it never works out with you and Sarah MacKenzie." Just like that, she was out of his life.


	9. Runaway

**Chapter 9 - Runaway**

_"Come to me." _Mac awoke with a start to find herself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. with slivers of light cast among the shadows. She turned to the side and saw the glass cubes that made up Harm's shower. There was also no mistaking the faint smell of his cologne which hung to the pillows and sheets.

She's spent the night in his arms and him in hers. Mac stayed to help and comfort him but, in the end he did much the same for her. A wafting smell of fresh brewed coffee alerted her to Harm's whereabouts and she sat up in bed to watch him through the louvered windows.

They had fallen asleep after he'd repeatedly assured her that Renee was finally gone. For Mac she still lived with some trepidation that Mic would hurt them. It was all too fast, too rushed to know what would happen if revenge became his primary goal.

He used it as a method of manipulation. When she thought about it, that was mostly what their relationship was based on, a constant manipulation from his part. And she allowed it because Mic was right; she didn't want to be alone.

* * *

Mac raced through the airport, searching for the gate that was assigned to Qantas. A call to Mic had alerted her to his whereabouts and it was her last ditch effort to salvage...what exactly? She almost took a pause in the middle of the terminal and walked away from the manic desperation that was so unlike her. The tough Marine was nowhere to be found as she continued forward, spotting Mic before he stepped onto the jetwalk.

A voice inside kept a vigil, constantly telling her how wrong this was. She ignored what it said, that the love for another man could never and would never be surpassed. "Mic! Wait!"

He stopped and stared at her almost as if he were looking at a mirage. A the confused look gave way to that of anger and hurt and his jaw tightened. "Sarah…It's over."

"I thought you loved me?"

"I do but, I need time to think."

Thinking did not require this kind of aggressive move, he was leaving, plain and simple and Mac wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. She was on the verge of being free from the agony that plagued her last few weeks. But then, what did it matter if the man she loved was involved with someone else? "You need to think? On the other side of the World?"

"You went to him didn't you?" His voice made her jump and the anger that he'd carefully veiled bubbled to the surface yet again when she didn't answer him. Mic balled his fist in effort not to strike, no one would take kindly to a man hitting a woman in public. His arm shook from the strain and he took a breath but his voice still cracked, his words said between clenched teeth. "Why is it that in a crisis I'm the last one you look to? Why is it always _him_?"

"Mic...I made a mistake coming here." She barely breathed his name out and took a step backwards in an effort to get away only to have him dart his hand out and wrap it painfully around her wrist. A mistake indeed, a rash decision by a desperate woman she'd become. At that very moment, Mac hated herself. "Let. Me. Go."

He didn't, only squeezed harder knowing it would leave a bruise, a mark to remember him by for a time. "I was wondering who you'd go to first…. It'll always be him won't it?"

"You knew that from the beginning. You had to which is why you tried so hard to keep me from seeing him." She realized that now, all of it. The methods of control that he used over her from screening calls to ordering her home when she needed to work late with Harm. He'd used guilt to keep her close ever since Mac had returned from Russia, his jealousy of her potentially spending time alone with Harm was constantly at the forefront until an argument forced Mic to relinquish those thoughts.

"Promise me you won't hurt him. This… none of this is his fault."

"We'll see."

He controlled her like a marionette doll and Mac just let it happen because..._because_. Mic was right, she was tired of being alone so she settled for the wrong man who said the right things. The vice at her wrist tightened so much that Mac wondered if he could snap her bones. "You're hurting me." She said quietly and then he let her go.

"Bye beautiful." And then, he was gone.

* * *

Mac studied her arm and the bruise which had formed overnight with an imprint of each one of Mic's digits. It was ugly and somewhat painful, thankfully her uniform would cover the mark until it properly healed. With a sigh, she stretched in Harm's bed and consulted her internal clock only to find that she had a little under an hour to get to work. "Damn." She sat up, intent on tossing the covers off and jumping in the shower when she heard Harm's voice from the living room along with parts of a conversation.

Quietly, he'd untangled himself from Mac's arms, using a pillow in his stead so that he could start breakfast. The woman who claimed to be an insomniac and a light sleeper was out cold and he was concerned that maybe her body had had enough emotional turmoil and decided to shut down. It was innocent really, the call that he put in to Chegwidden. "Sir, it's Harm… The Colonel needs the rest of the week off."

From his room, Mac couldn't hear much of the conversation but, the parts she did catch were terrifying. "He left her…The bastard left her...Mic hurt her too, _physically_… I, I'm not sure to what extent… she has bruises on her forearm...I don't know, sir." She frowned as he divulged the bits of her private life, the break up with Mic that no one had been privy to.

What she couldn't hear was Chegwidden's response which came in in the form of one all knowing question. "_Do you love her, Harm?"_

"Yes." Harm didn't hesitate to answer and didn't care what sort of ramifications stemmed from telling his commanding officer. "I have for a long long time." The silence stretched across the line as the older man was clearly trying to figure out his next move. "Sir, Mac _needs_ the time off but, I know she won't ask for it."

"_Done. We'll figure out the rest upon your return. And Harm?"_

"Yes, Admiral?"

"_Make her happy."_ Chewidden's order left little room for argument.

"I'll try, sir." Harm stared at his phone wondering if he did the right thing by telling Chegwidden how he felt for his partner. At the very least, she was in his apartment for now and they had a chance to talk, to reconnect and figure out how things went wrong. He'd repeatedly told her that he loved her, kissed her to prove it and then they'd fallen asleep in each other's arms. There was no other discussion and what Harm feared the most was that she would still run after Mic.

"Why would you do that? How could you do that!" She motioned at the phone that he was still holding. He just didn't realize his mistake until Mac walked up on him, arms folded in a defensive posture. "You went behind my back!"

Harm dropped the phone onto its cradle. "You shouldn't go in today, Mac… You're exhausted enough that I got out of bed, showered and even started breakfast without you noticing. You need the rest."

It was his sincerity that had Mac powering down slightly but still, that look in her eyes was there with a tempered displeasure of his actions. "I don't need you to make decisions for me… I've had enough of that."

"I'm.. I'm not…" But he had without asking her permission he'd given away precious information and assumed it was for the best. What had he done? "Mac… I'm sorry."

Mac stared at him, the way he was using the counter to rest against. The cane that he used to hold himself upright. He was hurting, she knew and for that moment, she let the anger go. "Sit. I'll plate the food. You shouldn't be up and around just yet."

"Thank you." He acquiesced because she'd been right, his body felt about to drop so he mercifully sank down onto one of the chairs at his table. "Coffee's ready, toast should be about to pop out." Which it did as if on queue. "I wanted to make you breakfast in bed but...I...uh."

She didn't answer, just looked at him as if he'd said the oddest thing. "When we were stuck in the mountains you said...nevermind." He shook his head now very much concerned over the powder keg he'd inadvertently lit. "How'd...Did you sleep okay?"

"Somewhat...I kept having nightmares." She admitted once seated at the table. "I couldn't wake from them." Which made Mac feel so drained and it was clearly evident by the circles under her eyes. "You?"

"Good just woke up hurting. I think that'll be the new normal for a while until everything heals." Harm took a sip of his coffee and watched her over the brim, noticing she wasn't eating much if at all, simply shoveling eggs from one side of the plate to another. God how he wished he could go back in time to that catastrophic ferry ride in Sydney or better yet, years before that when he first noticed his feelings for his partner ceased being friendly in nature. "He hurt you." Harm said softly as he extended his arms so that his fingers could brush over the bruise on her arm. "How long has that gone on?"

Mac dropped the fork onto the plate a little harder than necessary, the sound echoed in the quiet loft making her jump slightly. "He never… he didn't…"

"Never?" He leaned in, brushing a hand over the cheek that was still healing. "Mac. Talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about it!" She stood up so quickly that the forced knocked her chair over, as she attempted to put some distance between them Harm's hand grabbed onto her arm, preventing her escape. Mac didn't want to associate his action with Mic's and yet, that was exactly where her mind went. Carefully, she pulled his hand off and took several steps away. "Don't touch me." Her voice was calm and icy and every Marine facade she held onto walled itself into place.

.

Harm brought his hands up in defense and remained seated. "Mac…"

"I don't need this from you too." She spat out and then began to manically pace his apartment. She was shaking, visibly so and couldn't stop her emotions from running rampant. Harm's touch, though innocent, held too many parallels to that of Mic. "He was always manipulating me and I _let_ him." The disgust in her town was evident and the more she paced, the more she riled herself up. "I became weak around him...The old me would have _never_ allowed any of it….I just… I."

Harm ignored the shooting pain through his leg and managed to pull himself out of the chair and top her pacing. He was almost too scared to touch her but, when Mac fell against him all he could do was hold on. "I won't let him hurt you again." He bit back the pain, biting on his inner cheek to prevent himself from voicing his discomfort. Thankfully, Mac noticed and without word eased the both of them up the steps to his room and into bed. "Stay. Not because I am asking you but, because you want to." He said once Mac had propped his knee up and made sure he was comfortable.

He fell asleep relatively easy, the medication he refused to take was direly needed as the pain seem to grow worse. It lulled him into a deep sleep but, even at rest Harm groaned in pain and sweated through episodes where it seemed to feel so much worse. Mac remained at his side, brushing a cool towel over his forehead and cooing soft words that made him relax and finally sleep more soundly. In a way, he too was a victim of Mic's.

_Victim._ She abhorred the word and all of the meanings that it held. A victim was tricked into being harmed and injured. Mac stared at the bruise again and then glanced at her other arm where Harm had innocently grabbed. He hadn't hurt her but, in the force of yanking out of his grip there was a red mark - it was her own doing in avoiding his brand of manipulation.

Why was she comparing the two anyway? Harm didn't have an abusive bone in his body. He was the protective type, the hero that would save someone at all costs. But then, Mic _hadn_'t been the abusive type either until he hit her one time.

Mac sighed, knowing for a fact it was never just _one time_. She knew better than most that those _one times_ could turn into a pattern and it showed with the way he'd grabbed her at the airport purposely trying to hurt her.

Abuse came in different forms from the physical to the emotional and mental component. If she began picking apart her relationship with Mic, the signs were all there starting with the harassment. It wasn't the typical way a man would pursue a woman he was interested in. The man was relentless until he wore her down. When combined with Harm's obvious disinterest it became easy for Mic to cajole her into date after date.

What's worse, she let it happen. She would have married him and turned into the one thing Mac prayed never to be - her mother.

Quietly she slipped out of Harm's bed when his proximity was beginning to suffocate her. She kept comparing him to Mic, kept telling herself the similarities were not there but, her brain wouldn't listen. In an act of self-preservation she took her keys and cellphone hurrying out of his front door. She dialed the familiar digits to JAG Headquarters and was immediately patched through to Chegwidden. "Sir, I'm requesting a transfer, anywhere you got."


	10. Breathless

**Chapter 10 - Breathless**

**Three weeks later**

Harm took a deep breath before pushing past the glass doors that led to JAG Headquarters. The normal hustle and bustle was alive and well and he found he missed this environment so very much. The sounds, the smells, the frenetic pace of a controlled chaos. This was his normal and he needed it just as much as the rigorous therapy he'd been put through for the last few weeks. Mercifully, the review board had spared him his wings citing a faulty aircraft which caused the need to eject.

"Sir! Welcome back!" He was greeted by the cheerful voice of Harriet and smiled brightly when the blond rushed to grab his cover and briefcase. Harm allowed her to take the items and followed behind the Lieutenant when she headed into his office with the items in tow.

Mac's own office was dark and the open blinds let him peak inside to note that she was, indeed, gone. He expected it, the Admiral had informed him weeks ago that the Colonel was temporarily reassigned to the Guadalcanal but, the finality of seeing her office so dark sent a lancing pain through his heart. "Heard from the Colonel?"

Harriet shook her head. "No, sir… Do you know what happened to…Her and.." She stopped herself, blushing furiously at the verbal faux pas she was about to step into. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir… It isn't my place to discuss senior officer's lives but.."

"The wedding?" Of course, scuttlebutt must have run rampant from the moment he was plucked from the ocean.

"Yes. Bud couldn't reach Mic either and...Sir, is the Colonel alright?"

Was she? Honestly, he didn't know because every effort to contact Mac had been completely futile. She hadn't returned a call, an email or even a letter which he'd painstakingly written by hand barring his heart and soul. Christ, he'd pined over her, spent many a sleepless night trying to figure out where everything went wrong. She left without notice, slipped away like a thief in the night and all Harm could wonder was why. "You'll have to ask her, Lieutenant." He didn't mean for his reply to be so terse but, it did anyway.

"Understood. The Admiral said you were to see him as soon as you made it in."

"Thank you, Harriet."

Harm stood at attention while Chegwidden walked around him as if scrutinizing a prize winning race horse. "Fit for duty, Commander?"

"Aye, sir. Cleared to fly as well." He added, unable to hide his flyboy grin. Harm worked long and hard to get his body back into fighting form, even putting in extra time at the gym and working out in the loft. If Mac's departure did one thing, it was fuel his recovery as it was easier to exhaust himself with countless forms of exercise than to think about her. "I'm ready to return, sir at any capacity that the Admiral deems fitting."

Chegwidden sat at the edge of his desk and continued his scrutiny. "Do you have your seabags packed, COmmander?" Of course he did, it was one of the few things that he'd picked up from _her_ to always be ready. Maybe the Marines could teach the Navy a thing or two. "Good, you are to head out to the Guadalcanal in an hour."

"The Guadalcanal, sir? But, I just arrived." And didn't even get a second to settle in or catch a breath.

"You're fit for duty aren't you?"

"Aye, sir, I am."

Chegwidden nearly chuckled at his senior officer's confusion until he offered Harm a small gift. "Get going, then. Tiner has your orders ready and Harm? Give my best to the Colonel."

Harm gave his commanding officer a knowing nod. "Thank you, Admiral."

Mac sat at her desk in the tiny room which made up the boat's legal office. She stared at her email client and the messages that she shed grouped together under one folder where she had moved all of _his_ emails. She hadn't read a single one.

The cursor hovered over the folder, her finger posed to double click and open at least one of the messages. She swallowed down the bile that rose at the base of her throat and brushed away the fine sheen of sweat her brow. Balling her hands into fists stopped her shaking hands but, her nerves still got the best of her. Mac feared what she would read in his words, if her leaving was the catalyst that would run a stake through whatever was left of them.

Not that she could blame Harm if he never wanted to speak to her again, she'd left without so much of a message and avoided him until she hopped on the military transport that rushed her to the LHA. She was torn by her decision, knowing that she needed time away from him and everyone else in her life. But, she needed him too and the comfort she felt in his arms if only for a few hours. "Your pathetic, MacKenzie." She admonished her selfishness - Harm needed the help and comfort more than she did. Surviving a few bumps and scrapes was nothing to what he went through because of her.

And then there was the letter which arrived two days prior and she constantly carried tucked in her bra. A letter that was written by hand with some sort of care that she didn't wish to see. Just how many ways was he trying to torture her? One day she would look at the messages but, today was not that day and tomorrow wasn't looking good either. With a sigh, she shut down the email client and headed to her stateroom.

She changed out of her fatigues and into shorts and t-shirt finding that a hard workout helped rid her mind of the sailor which occupied her thoughts. "Spot me, Gunny?"

"Aye, ma'am." Victor was a pleasure to be around, the man knew when not to butt into things and when to offer a friendly shoulder. At first she hated having him around because she knew Chegwidden sent him as her own personal bodyguard. But, the man's investigative skills were second to none and he'd been an asset when questioning enlisted sailors and Marines.

Mac loaded the barbell with a little more weight than she was used to. The extra workout she'd engaged in during downtime made her physically stronger to press heavier weight. With each movement, she felt some of the depression waft aside and her thoughts were solely on her straining muscles. She pounded through a hard run on the treadmill and finished with a session of slamming her fists into a heavy bag. Near exhaustion made her body hum to life.

When she walked back into the JAG office after showering and changing, a familiar body crowded the small room. "Hey, Mac."

She knew the very moment all of the colour washed out of her face as it was the same moment that Mac felt faint. The only thing which kept her upright was her firm grip at the edge of the hatch. "Commander." Mac said his rank with an obvious kind of disdain although she really didn't know why. He didn't seem upset to see her in fact, his eyes danced alive and a soft smile tugged at his lips.

Damnit did he look good, better than she'd seen him in years. His biceps bunched under the edges of the sleeves. His blouse stretched across a broader chest. The man had been working out and it showed on how he filled the clothes he wore. She was also happy to notice, as he stepped towards her that Harm was no longer limping. "You look well."

"Lots and lots of physical therapy." He shrugged. The look in his eyes changed and the clouded over as he regarded her, clearly he could see the circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. Thankfully, he didn't say anything about it. "I've called you. Written. Emails. Letters."

Mac kept her eyes cast down, it was the only way not to fall victim to his scrutiny. "I've been busy."

He stepped to her, cautiously moving forward until they were a breath away. "Mac, talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling."

"Pressured… Why are you here?" She moved around him and took hold of the back of a chair in effort to keep some distance. His proximity made her head spin when all she wanted was to crash into his arms and let him hold her. "Why are you here?"

"To talk to you...You left...you didn't say anything...just left, why?"

God, his voice was so soft, so gentle. It held none of the resentment she thought it would and felt like a balm on her soul. The way he was looking at her, eyes that were hurting and questioning all at once made Mac want to cry. "It was the right thing to do."

"The what? Is that why you ran to him to prevent Mic from leaving? Because it was the right thing to do?"

"You didn't want me!" She yelled and her voice echoed against the metal walls reverberating between them. "You were with Renee… you said you loved her and suddenly you wanted me to believe that was over?"

"We were over. When you came back, she was gone forever… I should have broken up with her a long time ago… I should have told you what I felt."

"Every damned time I tried to bring us up...You...you brushed it aside. And it hurt me more than you could ever imagine."

"Mac...I'm sorr…"

"When we came back from Russia I thought… no, I _believed _we'd be together." They were openly flirting then, innuendos were a common place as was the way he touched her. A simple hand at the small of her back that lingered too long. And his eyes stared at her hopefully as if asking her if it was okay to make a move. Maybe she should have told him sooner that this _thing_ between them had swelled and bloomed into so much more. It wasn't just a physical attraction anymore, she had fallen head over heels in love with him. She loved him so much it hurt. "I wanted you so much even Chloe noticed it."

"Mac…"

"Was it Chris and Farrow?" And just like that the look in his eyes changed, his jaw tightened and clenched. If she could put a finger on the exact time that their relationship went off the rails she knew it was her trial. Despite his strong defense, Mac could never get over how he looked at her then with a thinly veiled disgust. Everything he thought he knew about her was obliterated until he finally understood why she took such a hard stance with women in the military - she'd been the one to disobey the regulations. Her life was the cautionary tale that was laid out for all of the public to see. He must have hated being her partner then and the man who defended an adulterer and a murderer. "Yeah, that's when everything fell apart."

"You lied to me." Harm accused. "I asked you about Farrow once and you never said a damned thing. You sure as hell never told me you were married. So yes, I was upset with you then and I had a right to be. But, that has nothing to do with this." He waved a hand between them. "I never stepped up when I should have and I don't know why but, I want to make it right."

"I have to make this right, Mac." He was moving towards her again until he grabbed the chair and pulled it away. "Let me make it right." His hands grabbed her shoulders and moved down, until his fingers brushed over the oak leaves attached to the lapels of her fatigues. She looked damned good in cammies, he decided and without warning his lips met hers.

Tentative at first, a mere brush of his lips over hers and yet every wall she'd erected crumbled effortlessly. Mac found herself clinging to him, pulling Harm's body so that he was flush against her. He kissed her like Mac's lips were the very thing that kept him alive. His strong arms kept her pressed against him as his tongue found hers. The kiss was a long and searching caress that made her slightly dizzy and oh so breathless.

His mouth made love to hers and for the briefest of moments Mac was taken back to that night on the Admiral's porch - the feral kiss that brought them to this moment. It wasn't nearly as hot or demanding and it didn't make liquid heat pool between her thighs like it did now. Why did he make her lose control like this? Why did she let him?

Mac moaned into his mouth and slid her arms around his neck pulling him impossibly closer. She moaned again, tried to catch a breath to continue kissing him when Harm broke away and leaned his forehead against hers. "Oh God, Mac."

Her eyes were closed, her lips pressed together. His arms were the only thing holding her upright or maybe it was the bulkhead that he'd pressed her into, she wasn't sure. She heaved a breath but it did nothing to stop her racing heart or the ache that still lived within. He'd be the death of her. "Harm."

She didn't want to cry, she didn't need to cry and yet the burning in her eyes stated otherwise. Hot tears slid down her cheeks and Harm captured the salty wetness with his lips before he kissed her again. This time, she didn't engage simply by pushing at his chest in an effort to get some space between them. "I need time."

"Time?" Harm questioned when Mac rushed around him and onto the corridor. He gave chase, crossing knee knocker over knee knocker until he found her. Though she'd brushed the tears away it was clear to anyone who looked that she'd been crying. What Harm didn't expect was to find Victor comforting her. "Gunny."

"Sir." The Marine regarded him with a measured hostility that forced Harm to stop. "The Skipper is looking for you. It may be in your best interest to head to the bridge, sir." He glanced between the two officers, frowning when he saw the look in Mac's eyes.

"Thank you, Gunny." He was tentative to say much more, the last thing Harm needed was a battle between the Marine that was clearly protective of Mac. Still, he didn't want to leave her, didn't want to stop kissing her. Damnit, couldn't she see he was lost without her? "Mac, we're not done talking."

"What makes you think we ever will be?" And just like that, she walked away from him again.

The courtroom battle had always been a verbal form of foreplay between them but, this time it was tense and Harm wondered if the judge and the members saw straight through them. He tried to talk to her one last time, searched the whole damned vessel and it was as if Mac had disappeared. With a heavy heart, Harm lined up to board the chopper. He kept looking behind, waiting for Mac to appear and give him some sort of hope. She never did and with a heavy heart he left the LHA.

Harm would never know that she was watching him, perched just outside of the bridge. Tears freely spilled from her eyes and there she remained until she could cry no more. "Bye, Harm."

For days she found herself in a state of melancholy that wouldn't abate. She did her job, worked out and kept much to herself engaging very little with anyone else on board. Insomnia had become a regular part of her routine, stronger than ever and zapping whatever energy remained. Until one night she couldn't stand the sleeplessness any longer and found herself wandering through the ship and out the fantail. "It's time."

She pulled out his letter, the one Mac carried against her breast most of the time. It had been gnawing at her since he left the LHA, that need to read whatever words he scribbled onto a paper and mailed to her. Mac sat against the rear wall and drew her legs up to her chest as she unraveled the crumpled paper with great care.

Harm's sprawling handwriting greeted her and the first line made her heart race. '_Sarah,'_

Surely she could count with one hand how many times he'd called her that up until the evening of her engagement party. That night, something had changed and he'd said her name with such love and reverence Mac was sure he heart would break. Now, as she read the name, she could hear his voice as if he were next to her reading his own letter and Mac would have given anything to make it so.

'_Sarah,_

_I'm sorry. Not for what happened between us but, for not telling you sooner that I loved you. Whatever happens please don't go back to him. You accused me once of never letting go and you were right but, I have now. I found everything I wanted with you. Give me a chance. Give us a chance._

_Love,_

_Harm'_

Mac's fingers traced over the words feeling the etching from the ballpoint pent he used. She read the note once again and then another time before folding it and tucking the paper back into her bra. She leaned her head against the wall and sighed. "What have I done?"


	11. Guilt

**Chapter 11 - Guilt**

Mac leaned against the rear wall visually making a headcount of the group hunkered down in the small classroom. They were waiting for an extraction team, praying that the helo crew had clearly understood the coordinates. Once done, she counted again and then a third time just to be sure.

As the group settled in, it gave her a few precious moments to read _his_ letter again which she still carried aside her breast. The creases on the page were well worn and the paper itself was wet from her sweating but his handwriting was intact, sprawling across the page.

'_Give me a chance. Give us a chance.'_

Each time she read the letter Mac felt her heart ache, squeezing imperceptibly at the mistakes she'd made. She should have told Harm about Mic's threats and dealt with the man together, not assume she would….what exactly? Stay with him? Wait for Mic to realize she didn't quite love him and leave? Live in fear? Become her mother?

She'd seen the finer edges of his abuse and knew his true colors had shone all along. Mac missed each nuance, the way he'd guilted her, seduced her all because she was too lonely and hurt. Yes, Harm pushed her away too many times to count but, she wasn't really clear on her own intentions. Carefully, she folded the paper and shoved it in her pocket to stop it from getting even more saturated from her sweat. If she made it out of this they would talk - they needed to - it was time.

"Colonel, if they caught the last transmission - ETA fifteen minutes." Gunny told her in a low voice so as not to frighten the non-military personnel they were now tasked to protect. As the most senior officer, Mac was now in command and she hoped not to make any wrong decisions that could cost innocent lives.

This was supposed to be simple and despite warnings, Mac could not fathom the severity of the civil unrest brought to a fever pitch by one rapist bastard. She was disgusted by the man and part of her wished to toss him to the masses and let them rip the Corporal limb from limb as a suitable alternative.

"Thank you, Gunny. Just keep them calm." She was scared, rightfully so but, there was exhilaration as well. A burning in her veins that, for once, she was acting more like a Marine and less like the woman who donned the uniform. First to fight and she was ready except for one thing - she didn't want to die. Not without seeing Harm one last time, not without his forgiveness.

"Colonel, sit by me!" Lillyana, the little girl who had helped lead them out of the consulate through a hidden network of underground corridors took her hand and pulled Mac to the front of the class. "This is my desk."

"At the front? Of course it is." Mac smiled, the little girl's exuberance and bravery was a welcomed sight amongst the unknown that plagued them.

"I answer many questions."

"I'm sure you ask a lot too." Despite trying to maintain some semblance of a strong Marine officer, when the little girl lay her head on Mac's lap, the Marine softened.

"I see you read a letter? From who?"

"Yes, a..._friend_ sent it to me."

"A best friend?"

Mac sighed. "Yeah, my best friend."

"You miss your friend?"

"Yeah, I do. Very, very much." She swallowed down the lump at her throat. Yes, she missed Harm, more than words could say. "You're a very special little girl." Mac ran her fingers through Liliana's long hair and couldn't help but compare her to Chole who had grown out of her rebellious phase and was turning into a wonderful young woman. She also couldn't help but think about something else...the promise on the steps of JAG Headquarters to have a child with Harm.

What kind of parents would they make? The few times she'd seen Harm around children, it was clear he would be a wonderful father. But, Mac feared her past and wondered if any of the emotional scars her mother had left behind would carry down to her children. It scared her and perhaps that was really why she kept hitting the snooze button on her biological clock. Maybe she wasn't good enough to be a mother.

Mac shook her head of those thoughts and tried to concern herself with the mission at hand. Emotions had no place here where so many relied on her leadership to keep them alive. She stood, carefully resting Liliana's head on the top of the desk and walked to the windows looking out into the dark unknown. How many people knew of those escape tunnels?

Surely one of the locals who worked in the consulate would turn and give intel to the masses that sought to rid themselves of the American military on their soil. There had been enough casualties already, Mac hoped there would be no more.

A 'whomp whomp' of the helicopter's rotor blades alerted her that the cavalry had come and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Everyone, line up single file and when I give the order you run as fast as you can. Gunny, lead the way." She told Victor and then remained behind. "Lillyana, stay here for a little while and then go home. Be safe." She pressed a kiss to the girls head and said a silent prayer that the child would not be hurt.

Everything that came afterwards was something of an adrenaline infused blur. The first three civilians from the group made it halfway down the field when the concussion of a mortar round shook the ground. "Keep moving!" Mac yelled and then the night came alive with the rapid sound of gun fire.

She took her side arm squeezing several rounds into the distance although it likely did nothing. Bullets whizzed past her head as another mortar landed close enough to knock Mac off her feet. "Oooff."

The blast made her partially deaf to the point that her ears began to ring. She could hear Gunny yelling but his words were muffled and incoherent. With a groan Mac stood biting back the dizziness in order to assist a civilian lying prone on the ground. "I know you're scared but, you gotta keep moving or we die."

The man nodded at Mac and the two began to run to the helo. Each movement was painful and the distance seemed to grow as Mac's head began to ache. More bullets flew through the air and the landing zone became something of a war zone. "Gunny… Keep moving! Go!"

The Marines raced to the waiting Huey until a voice made Mac stop. She didn't know why Lillyana's voice resonated so clearly but it did as if the girl stood right by her side "Colonel! You dropped your letter!"

She was waving the piece of paper with an outstretched hand and when Mac shoved a hand into her pocket, it was missing. _Harm's letter. No!_ "Lillyana, stay back! Stay back!"

"Colonel, we need to get her!" Gunny yelled but a hand on his arm stopped him from running to the girl.

Mac shook her head. "We have to get these people outta here!" She gave the order to the pilots and soon the helo began to rise. Another mortar landed in the field a little too close to the school right at the spot where Lillyana stood. "No!"

Through the smoke and blaze Mac thought she saw the girl stand and run into the building to seek refuge. She hoped it wasn't a hallucination and Lillyana was safe.

* * *

_Two Weeks Later..._

Harm wasn't sure what to do. He knew she'd returned home earlier that day but, she was back to avoiding his calls. Cell phone, home phone, six messages and counting and none of them returned.

She would likely slam the door in his face but he _had to_ see her. It was the only assurance to know Mac was really alright.

The attack on the US consulate in Aceh had been covered extensively on the news and he remained glued to the screens as long as he dared never realizing Mac's involvement until Chegwidden broke the news.

"Colonel MacKenzie and Gunny were sent to the consulate in Aceh to negotiate the return of a marine accused of rape. Apparently, the incident inflamed an already tense situation. The consulate is now under attack."

"Attack?" His heart bottomed out then and there, sinking to the pit of his stomach. Chegwidden must have noticed Harm's sullen expression, it was impossible not to. "How...is she..are they alright?"

Chegwidden closed the door to Harm's office and took a seat in one of the guest chairs. The act alone unnerved the normally cool and collected Commander. "There was an explosion, some reports of injuries...Harm, we don't know anything about Msc and Gunny yet...I'm sorry."

"Mac's tough. Gunny will keep her safe."

"Yeah, she is. Victor would die before letting anything happen to her. I...I shouldn't have let her go but, she seemed adamant in needing to leave. Sending her TDA was easier than a transfer she'd regret."

Harm nodded. "I messed up with her...more than you can imagine."

"Harm, take it from a man who lost the love of his life...Never take anyone for granted, especially if you love her."

* * *

And so there he stood pacing in front of her door like a lion in a cage. He felt like his life rested on this very moment and the woman on the other side of that door. No, he wasn't Mic Brumby, he wouldn't dare push her into something she didn't want. He just hoped she still wanted him or would give him a chance.

Harm knocked and held his breath expecting her to peek through the peephole and leave him standing out there. Though it only took a few seconds for Mac to open, it felt like an eternity had passed. "Harm." She was wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a simple, V neck white t-shirt. Her hair had that messy bed head look and there were circles under her eyes.

Mac was still the most stunning woman he'd ever seen.

He couldn't help his reaction, unable to keep it tempered for much longer. "Mac." His hands came up to frame her face, tilting it up so that he could kiss her softly.

Harm was relieved when her arms wrapped around his waist and she leaned into him. Mac's pressed into his chest and his own arms tightened around her in a strong embrace. "You're alive."

A heavy sigh escaped her and Mac felt as if she could finally breathe. It was like she'd been holding her breath since accepting Mic's ring and continuously being pulled the undertow. That was over now, she was free, she was home and the man she loved more than life itself was holding her in his arms.

She never felt so much like a woman before that point. Keenly aware that she needed the man that held her and that it was alright to feel weak and unsure around him. He was her best friend, confidant and the only constant in her life. "I'm sorry. I...I don't...God, Harm. I'm just so damned sorry."

Mac wasn't sure when she began to cry only that his arms tightened around her as her body sank into his. The side of her face rested on the solid wall of bis chest taking in the strength and comfort her offered her. For a time they just stood with Harm holding her until Mac was sure she could cry no more.

She wasn't sure how they wound up on her sofa or when she'd fallen asleep. But, when she brought her head up from his shoulder, Mac found Harm dozing away with his sock clad feet propped up on her coffee table and an afghan thrown over them. One of his arms was wrapped around her and the other was draped over the arm of the sofa.

It felt like he belonged there and maybe he always did. She smiled remembering the first time he stepped foot into her apartment. They had been partners for a little over a month and he'd driven by to pick her up on the way to Dulles.

Ever the gentleman, he insisted on carrying her luggage which gave him a chance to see her cozy apartment. "Nice place. Why do you have bones on your table?" He motioned to the area and studied her equipment keeping his hands behind his back like a child who wanted to play but couldn't.

"Eh, it's kinda silly." She offered by way of explanation and then he floored her.

Harm stood up straight and flashed her _that_ smile which made her insides turn to jelly. "The dinosaur thing with your uncle, right?" When she didn't answer, his smile went up in wattage. "Yeah, I remembered."

Maybe that was the exact moment she fell in love with him. Or was it on the flight to Belfast when details of her hobby held his attention. He was actually interested, a stark change from other men she knew who found her obsession with Dinosaurs odd.

"Sorry, Mac. Came here to see if you were alright not pass out on your couch."

She felt him shift, stretch and then stand and instantly missed his body's closeness to hers. "Are you leaving?" Mac didn't try to hide her desperate tone. Hell, she would have gone to _him_ once she arrived in Washington if she wasn't so damned exhausted. "Stay...Please stay."

"You really want me to?" He seemed so unsure that her heart ached for him.

"Yes. Only if you do." She looked up at him expectantly not able to fault Harm if he ran away from her. There was still so much shaky ground. so many words they needed to say. She would apologize to him everyday of her life just to make things right.

"We need to talk."

"Yes we do." She readily agreed.

"'Bout a lot of things."

"I know."

"You broke my damned heart, Mac."

And he'd broken hers in the past too many times to count. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"Why did you run? Mic was gone. Renee was gone...I told you would be there for you."

Mac couldn't look at him, instead she clasped her hands together and stared at them. "I was scared of many things. Of what people would say when they need you about you and me...Scared you'd…" She trailed off not wanting to voice her silly concern. "What if you became controlling like him?"

"I'm _not_ Mic. I would never, could never hurt you."

"But you did! And worse, you betrayed me, called Chegwidden behind my back!" She yelled and finally stood up toe to toe with him. "You never even asked me what I wanted to do just _assumed._..Mic would do that all the time and I _let_ him."

Harm shoved his hands deep into his pockets suddenly feeling like a louse. He had gone over her head, had discussed part of their relationship without asking. "I thought I was helping...I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"How much did you tell Chegiwidden about _my_ personal life?"

"He knows Mic hurt you. Knows I have feelings for you."

Mac sighed. "Don't you think you should have talked to me? Maybe you should go home."

"I wasn't thinking clearly, it won't happen again...He approves of us, told me not to take you for granted." She hadn't kicked him out, not really and Mac's proximity made him have to touch her although he resisted. "Do you still want me to go?"

"No, please stay."


	12. Anxiety

**Chapter 12 - Anxiety**

Harm couldn't sleep, couldn't find any vestige of rest though he was clearly exhausted. He was where he wanted to be - in Mac's bed, laying close to her but, it wasn't close enough. She'd dragged him there and they'd slipped under the covers but, for their nearness a casom still stretched between them. He felt the tension, heavy and uncomfortable when only an hour or two earlier she'd been in his arms. He couldn't understand it.

When she shifted in an almost aggressive manner, he got the hint - she didn't want him there and so Harm sat up and rested his back against her headboard. "You don't want me here, do you?" It wasn't a question.

"I'll go, Mac… I probably shouldn't have come anyway." He pulled the covers off, tossed his feet over but a hand on his back stopped him.

"Harm. Don't." That hand moved up his back which was covered with an old Fly Navy t-shirt he carried in his seabag. His taut muscles shifted under her touch as she guided her fingers up to wrap around his shoulder.

"Do you want me here? Really?" His hand came over hers, covering the one that rested on his shoulder. "I can go." Although he didn't want to but, Harm needed to remind her that he _wasn't_ Mic, he wouldn't push, wouldn't cajole. He'd let her set the pace.

The thought of him leaving sent lancing desperation through her heart. She didn't want him to leave, couldn't stand the thought of spending another moment without his nearness. They were broken, she knew but even things that were broken were able to be mended. "No. Don't go. Stay, please."

Harm slid back into bed, under the covers and lay on his back. In the stillness of the room he could hear her breathing, it was ragged and edgy as if she were mulling over a deep thought. He wondered again why she wanted him there and then she heard her voice, a slightly audible whisper. "Hold me" He might have missed if he took a breath.

She was vulnerably laying herself out to him, exposing those bits that made her more woman and less Marine. The facade had wavered, disappeared somewhere in Aceh and all she needed at the moment was to lay in his arms, to be told they would be alright. Each time she closed her eyes, Mac imagined being back in the field with the explosions slamming the ground, threatening to take her life. What saddened her the most wasn't imminent death but the thoughts of never seeing _him_ again. "Please, hold me."

Wordlessly, he slid towards her as she moved towards him, meeting in the center of her bed. He brought her into him, draped a leg over hers and cocooned Mac in the warmth of his embrace. She stiffened for a moment and then shifted, melting into him like she was meant to be there. When he brushed a kiss at the crown of her head, she sighed and then drifted off to sleep. They would be okay, he hoped. They would be okay and he would love her and never let her go again.

* * *

A sliver of light crept through a sparsely opened curtain forcing him to wake in an unfamiliar bed, arms wrapped around a pillow - _her_ pillow, he could tell by that familiar scent that he often fantasized about. With a huff, he flipped onto his back and draped an arm over his eyes.

He was exhausted, rightfully so as most of the night he remained awake watching over Mac as she slept. It had taken a while to fall into a deep sleep and even when she did it was still fitful. She'd murmur incoherent words, breathed erratically and then settle only to start the cycle again. It was troublesome especially when she pushed against him, trying to break through his hold. Only his soft words calmed the anxiety and finally, both of them drifted to sleep.

The sound of her shower running alerted him to her location and lulled him into a false sense of security. Expectantly, he waited and waited and waited, staring at her ceiling and waiting a bit longer until it seemed she'd been in there far too long. Women had a habit of taking long, luxurious baths and a fleeting image of Mac naked covered in nothing but bubbles made him irritable. She'd look so beautiful, hair slicked back, skin moist and he couldn't be with her. "Mac?"

She was crying. Harm heard that sound clearly echo above the running water - her cries followed by a guttural scream. In a flash, he untangled himself from the covers and raced into the tiny room without even bothering to knock. What he found sent a shiver down his spine. He expected to walk through a cloud of steam and was greeted with a humid kind of cold. The curtain was drawn, pulled to one side and behind it, in the corner of the bathtub huddled on the floor was Mac. She was naked, head buried into the knees drawn to her chest while the water beat down on her. "Mac?"

She was cold, so damned cold and her body was shaking uncontrollably. Cool water had numbed her skin but it did nothing to freeze the pain she felt inside. Nearly an hour earlier she woke to an oddly familiar sensation of being crushed: strong arms wrapped around her, holding her against the rougher planes of man's body. Loosening the grasp was so futile that a tightening sensation began in her chest until Mac was unable to breathe or speak. The feeling grew into an imperceptible fit of anxiety which forced her to scramble out of his arms, shoving a pillow into them instead in hopes of slipping away as she had so many times before when insomnia wouldn't let her rest.

It always upset Mic something awful to find her traipsing around the apartment in the middle of the night. His fiance needed to be by his side and she'd stupidly allowed him to coax her back into bed time and time again.

Dejectedly she stepped into the bathtub and turned the water on as cold as possible seeking the numbing feeling that would erase the feel of _him_ on her skin. It was bothersome now, terrifying her although she'd accepted and wanted Mic's touch once before. She couldn't understand the change in her, the want to be held one moment and left alone the next.

And she still couldn't breathe. Even as the water numbed her skin, her breath came in harsh panting that made her chest ache so badly. So she curled up, buried her face against her knees and cried. She couldn't do anything else but cry until the droplets of water stopped falling on her. Exhausted, Mac raised her head and unfocused eyes settled on the outline of a man which stepped into the bathtub and wrapped a towel around her. Out of fear and maybe a little anger, she shoved her fists against the man's chest, writhed under an unwanted touch. "No! Don't touch me."

Harm's hands that were briskly running up and down her body, trying to warm her dropped off of her as if he'd been burnt. Her hands, balled up into fists, shoved at his chest again and again forcing him to come down to his haunches before Mac and raise her head up so that he could see her eyes. "Mac...Look at me." Her unseeing eyes locked onto his, finally regaining some sense of focus and recognition and it only made her cry harder, anguished tears. "Oh, Mac...Let me take care of you, please."

He was so terrified seeing her so fragile, so broken and he wondered what, if anything, he'd done wrong to bring her to this point. Thankfully, Mac gave in to him, standing on buckling legs so that she needed to use him to step out of the tub. Harm wanted to carry her back to bed and wrap her back inside his arms until whatever this was passed and it upset him that he didn't know how that would be received.

He dried her off as best as possible and draped her robe over Mac's still shivering body. She collapsed against his chest, gripping on to the front of his t-shirt as if he were some sort of lifeline. This time he did pluck her into his arms and carried her back to bed, depositing Mac in the center and crawling in beside her. He pulled at the covers and sheets covering the both of them even when he pulled her close.

"I'm sorry...I don't...I'm sorry...I'm sorry." Harm didn't know how long he held her, he didn't really care and would gladly remain in this moment as long as it took. It did surprise him to hear her voice, a barely there whisper against his chest. "I thought...thought you were Mic."

_Mic._ Just the mention of the man made him wary. He wasn't too sure that Mac had fully let him go and the thoughts of her reunion with the Australian made his skin crawl. "It's okay."

She sighed and buried her head into his chest in order to heal the oddly soothing beat of his heart - strong and steady. "He used to like to hold me… it was...suffocating. I hated it so I would sneak off in the middle of the night. He hated that too." At the time, she found his need to hold her an endearing part of a normal, healthy relationship. Couples lay next to each other. Couples held one another but, after their first few weeks living together Mac found this embrace to be stifling. "Sometimes I didn't even want him touching me."

And yet, she had accepted the engagement. "Why would you stay with him? I don't understand." How much had Brumby ruined her? How much had he… _Oh God._ The worst possible thought came to Harm's mind and a sickening feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. His hold on her tightened and he resisted the urge to break down and cry. _Please, no._

With Mic she always seemed to be happy, smiling and carefree up until her engagement party and the days that followed. That beautiful mistake led them through a path he never wanted to walk with her. He loved her, always would but the kind of pain his brand of love had caused for her wasn't worth the heartache. And Mic had hurt her over him, physically. Harm wondered how long that had been a modus of their relationship.

Carefully he ticked off a mental checklist compiled from several cases of abuse and Mac hit every point.

-Loss of self-esteem. _Check._

-Socially withdrawn. _Check_.

-Loss of enthusiasm. _Check._

_-_Avoiding situations. _Check.  
_-Attempts to run away. _Check._

-Desperately seeking affection…. He felt like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over him.

"Did he…Has he ever…" Harm swallowed hard as his insinuation hung in the air - the physical violation of her body by that bastard. "...did he...Christ, Mac… did Mic _force_ himself on you?"

"No.. he never…"

"Never?" He tucked a finger under her chin and raised her head up to look into her eyes. It was the only way he could see the lie there of whatever was consuming her. "You need to know you can trust me… I would never hurt you."

Mac shook her head. "The answer is still no….Mic never...He would never…" But, he had forced her compliance in those times she wasn't especially in the mood to sleep with her fiance. It was normal to not want to have sex when a long day of work brought her home too exhausted to function. It was normal for a man to try to make love to the woman he shared a life with. Only when seduction and flowers didn't work, Mic had other methods.

Despite her exhaustion, he would press himself against Mac, slipping a hand into her panties and amidst protests, stroke her until she was too aroused to stop him anymore. He would deny her release making her beg until he plunged into her and then quickly fell asleep afterwards. Maybe her father was right in labeling her a tramp? That's the kind of woman who would allow such treatment from a man, wasn't it? The kind that was abliviant about being used for sex because, a good wife would allow that.

_Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter. _

Her father was right.

She cheated on Chris. She cheated on Mic and in a way, even cheated on Dalton with wicked thoughts of her attractive partner. Had Harm asked, she would have given herself to him back then and damned any consequences which arose from the affair.

_Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter. _

That's the kind of woman who would sleep with a man who was not her fiance, in the back of a car, on the night of her engagement party. Despite whatever love she felt for Harm, in the end what they'd done was wrong... So damned wrong.

"_I won't have an affair with you, that's not fair to them or us._" Harm had said after they slept together and they held onto each other suspended in some sort of false reality that was clouded over by lust. "_We'll figure this out. For now, go to him, go back inside like nothing happened."_ My God, what had they done?

_Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter. _

"Mac. Talk to me." He found her drifting away in thought and then struggling to pull out of his arms again and Harm wasn't sure he'd never felt such heartache. Mac's eyes clouded over again, unseeing, hurt and maybe just a bit angry. "If he hurt you…"

"I _let_ him." The harshness of her tone made him flinch and Harm was sure his heart broke a little more for her. "Just like I let you."

"I'm _not_, Mic."

She pushed off of him, rolling onto her back to stare at the ceiling. Mac could feel Harm's eyes on her, his concern flooding her with emotions she wasn't sure how to handle. "It's not you, Harm. It's me… I'm the problem… I sink into these patterns, try to pretend I'm so strong and...I'm weak. Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter."

Harm felt gutted. Nothing she would ever say could make him feel so emotionally hurt than hearing Mac refer to herself in such a derogatory manner. It made him want to pummel Brumby, Joe MacKenzie and even helfself. "You're not…"

"No? We _fucked_ in the back of a car, Harm! Hidden away like thieves in the night. Like I was in heat...And...And I _let_ it happen. I didn't stop it."

Her words made his heart stop and stole the breath right out of his lungs. Being punched would have been kinder. Harm knew they would eventually need to talk about that night, it wasn't something just to brush under the table or gloss over with meaningless conversation. God, is that what she thought of them? "That's not what it was…"

"It wasn't making love either." Mac kept on driving the nail into the coffin, like a drug addict, she couldn't help herself or the slew of words that she knew would hurt him. "We used each other...I had the chance to get what I've always wanted from you… I'm no better than Mic."

At that, she pulled herself out of bed cinching the robe tight around her waist as she walked out of the room. She was running again, he knew and Harm just didn't know how to stop it. All he knew was that _this_ wasn't _his_ Mac, the woman who looked into his eyes with such affection just a few short months ago and declared her love for him. Between the night of Mic's departure and her return from the Guadalcanal, something had gone terribly wrong.

Perhaps he was pushing too much in his desperation to be with her? It was a look he didn't like on himself and yet, Harm couldn't help it. He'd never felt this way about anyone and was determined to not live without her again. He needed to fix his mistakes and accept some of hers. He just needed her. Why couldn't she see that? He needed to make her see that.

Harm found her seated at the edge of the couch, face buried in her hands. She was crying and each soft sob made her body shake. Mac didn't speak when he sat next to her instead, collapsing into his welcoming embrace and burying her face into his chest. Her tears soaked his shirt and she was grateful when he wordlessly held her until she could cry no more. "I didn't mean that...It was..._beautiful…_A beautiful mistake."

"No, Mac. Not a mistake." He was crying too, unable to help the emotional tidal wave he'd willingly ride in effort to love her. "It wasn't the right place and time but, it wasn't a mistake… We're not a mistake."

"No, we're not." She agreed but, why was her mind trying to tell her otherwise? When she raised her head up, Mac saw his tears and the streaks which ran down his cheeks. He was hurting. She was hurting him and for the life of her Mac didn't know how to stop it. "What's happening to me, Harm? I don't know who I am anymore."

"You may need to go see someone."

"Therapy?"

Harm sighed and knew his suggestion would likely be met with resistance. He understood, had been on the receiving end of many insinuations that he needed psychiatric help. After the ramp strike seeing a psychologist had been a requirement which he dutifully fulfilled in order to keep some sort of job in the Navy. Although it helped immensely, he would never admit to it but then it had been about dealing with Mace's death. Harm himself never dealt with his own emotional baggage, the hole left when his father disappeared or the endless mistakes in relationships. Hell, Jordan practically put him through the paces once, all she needed was a couch and a notepad to scribble down all of the ways she was planning on fixing him. "I'm not a fan of getting my head shrunk but, I don't want to find you like I did… You scared the hell out of me. You need help, Mac and though I want to, I don't know what to do… I don't know how to help you."

It touched her to see him staring at her so desperately. She could see him hurting for her and every single emotion Harm repressed for her in the past was clearly evident in his watery eyes. He'd let go, _finally_. And she was much too screwed up to be with him. "I'm scared."

Mac had avoided seeking help all of her life not wanting to see the disappointment in another person's face when her mistakes and addictions superseded. Being a Marine gave her enough tools to fight her demons, the discipline to overcome even the toughest hurdles but, it never dealt with the emotional side of the woman behind the Eagle, Globe and Anchor. It only buried it deeper and now that strength couldn't fight back anymore. "What if I lose you?"

"You won't lose me...And I won't turn my back on you."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise." He kissed her then, slowly, sweetly, the longing to make love to her again tapered by a physical problem he hadn't yet told her about. Mac shifted against him and when her tongue broke the seam of his lips he knew she wanted something more carnal in nature. Harm never quite understood why being emotionally bereft brought out such a profound hunger and yet, that was exactly why they'd made love the night of her engagement party.

"Mac, I can't." He said between kisses that had now turned too heated with passion. "I want to, I do but, I can't." His hands came to her arms and he pushed her back slightly, enough to stop her lips from touching his. "I can't..._physically._" A blush tainted his cheeks and he brought his eyes down between them.

"The crash?"

He nodded. "Yeah...Doc isn't sure if it's physical or emotional...Test have been inconclusive. I'm..I'm sorry, Mac."

"This isn't your fault." Just like her, Harm was broken in some way although falling into bed was probably not the best course of action to mend their fractured relationship.

He still yearned to be with her, desired Mac with all that he was. "There are _other_ ways." A mischievous grin pulled at the corner of his lips as his hand dropped to her thigh and began moving upwards. He'd fantasized about it time and time again. This time he needed it to be real, to watch her as he coaxed every last drop of release from her body. Harm had been denied that simple pleasure their first time for in the darkness of the night, he couldn't see her, not really. He wanted to see her. "I want to taste you… I want to please you."

"Oh God, Harm." She wanted that too but, it came with a condition. "Not like this." Mac pressed her palm against the hand which was hitching up her thigh. She was practically quivering with the prospect of feeling his mouth on her most intimate of places. From the way he kissed, she knew it would be just as exquisite if not more. The idea was so dizzing she nearly gave in but then pushed his hand away with a heavy sigh. "When we make love again it has to be the two of us."

"And what if this takes a while?"

Mac brought her hands up to frame the sides of his face. "Then I'd wait forever for you." This time when they kissed it was sweet and then Mac buried her face in his neck, needing to feel close to him.


	13. The Return

**Chapter 13 - The Return**

"You're still here." Eyes wide with awe stared at the man she was nestled against. It was early afternoon and in the half light shining through the curtain Mac could see his eyes and a kind of worry that settled within its depths. The arms around her tightened and for a moment she hung between feeling suffocated and loved, preferring the later. This was Harm, he would never hurt her, he _was not_ Mic.

Harm's eyebrow rose in question. "Where would I go?"

"After everything, I didn't think you wanted to be anywhere near me anymore...This morning...I ah, I'm not sure who that was." He didn't say anything clearly mulling over how to approach her odd behavior. Mac never understood how a man that was such a wonderful litigator could say such silly things when it came to her. "You look so tired." She ran a finger along the top of his cheek and then the other. His eyes were bloodshot and the circles were the evidence of lack of sleep.

"So do you."

"I'm beat. I feel like I can sleep for a week straight and never be rested."

He sighed, the nights after the attack on the consulate had left Harm bereft. Little information was available on her whereabouts or even that of Gunny's. Not even his clearance would get him the answers he sought. "I haven't slept well since the Admiral told me about the attack on the consulate. The not knowing...I hated it." He couldn't control the situation either, couldn't just travel to Aceh. All Harm could do was wait and it twisted his heart to do so. "I just wanted you home."

Mac was still exhausted, sleeping only in bits and pieces on the LHA until she was sent home. Even sleeping in his arms was fitful, she kept thinking of that little girl and her mistake to leave without knowing if she was still alive. Parts had been exciting, the rush of adrenaline pumping through her veins, the fear. It made her feel so alive. "I felt like a real Marine, not since Bosnia had I been in the middle of a firefight like that. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I wasn't _just_ a legal weenie, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"It's why you fly, isn't it?….that rush?"

Harm nodded. "Yeah, Mac" He brushed her hair and tucked it behind her ear, it had grown some since he'd last seen her, the silky strands just an inch or so away from hitting her shoulders. He wondered what Mac would look like with long hair and quickly decided he preferred it short as longer hair would mean she'd constantly have to wear it in a bun due to regs. "At least you weren't hurt."

When she closed her eyes sometimes Mac could still hear and feel the explosions sounding around her. For a moment she didn't see herself making it to the helo or getting out alive. "I almost was. We escaped the consulate but to get to the helos, everything went to hell...Got knocked down by mortar...It _was_ hell...I had to get up and help people get out and we did but…" She bit her lower lip, the little girl was running out to give her something, a treasured item Mac hadn't realized she dropped.

"But, what?"

His letter. Although Mac tried to push past her feelings for him, that letter was a lifeline of sorts, linking her to the man she longed to see - the man she wanted to be with. "I lost your letter…"

"What letter...Oh."

"I kept it on me all the time, in my bra but I was sweating so much, the paper was saturated. So I put it in my pocket." And Mac was too busy trying to lead the group to notice it had fallen out of her pocket until Lilyana ran after them.

"Mac, it's okay. You didn't mean to lose it."

No, she didn't but there was more to the story. Her carelessness had possibly taken Lilyana's life. "There was a little girl that helped us get away, had us follow these tunnels...She was so brave, ran out to the field with your letter in her hand...I couldn't go back for her… I wanted to but we ran out of time." She could still see the explosion engulfing the girl and then nothing but empty space. What had she done? How could she leave her?

"Is she…"

"I don't know...I've tried to find out but, to them, she's just another missing kid." The thought made the tears fall especially given how calloused Captain Jarot had been about finding Lilyana. It made her desperate and she couldn't do a damned thing about it but hope and pray.

Now he understood her mood swings, a likely product of the PTSD Mac was surely suffering. It made him hold her tighter, the guilt of not knowing what happened to the little girl was like hurting her so badly. "I'll do what I can to help you find her, Mac."

"How?"

"I'll figure it out, I promise." He lowered his head down and captured her lips in a soft, sweet kiss. "I missed you...so much."

She sighed. "I missed you too." His hand came to her face, fingers gently moving over the area that was once marked by Mic's rage. It was gone of course, the time had healed the wound. "It's gone, Harm. Healed a long time ago."

"Did it?" He shifted so he could kiss her cheek and then her lips and then the tip of her nose. Physically it may have healed but, emotionally he knew her better than that. It surely would dredge up a past she longed to get away from and Harm wasn't sure how to fix that. "I never should have sent you to him…I didn't protect you, I'm sorry."

"Harm there was no other way…" Mac frowned, wishing she could go back and do something different, stop him from leaving. Stop herself from going back to Mic. "Maybe it's a good thing we can't sleep together right now."

He snorted. "Good for who?

Mac rolled her eyes and chuckled. "_Us, _flyboy...Sex got us into this mess."

_This mess?_ He frowned, if they hadn't slept together then Mac would have married Mic. The idea made him sick. "You would have married him had it not been for us sleeping together...and it wasn't _just sex_ either." Christ he sounded like such a girl and frankly, he didn't care. "It didn't matter if it was in the back of my car, the hood of it or if it happened on AJ'S front porch...it still would have been making love...we made love."

Yes, they did although Mac tried to justify it as nothing but a messy, one night stand. It wasn't, he was right, they had made love and it felt so right. "When I was in Aceh, all I thought about was you...I need you. I'm just...I'm so out of sorts right now, Harm."

"I promised you that night we'd figure it out...I'm making that promise again...I already lost you once…It's not happening again."

There was an intensity in his eyes that was almost frightening and made Mac look away. "My heart, it's broken in two. I can't give it to you so easily." And yet, he already had her heart since Red Rock Mesa. The power to completely destroy her was in his hands.

Harm moved so that they were lying side by side. "I know I haven't done or said the right things in the past, let me fix that."

"Fix _me_, you mean?"

"I didn't say that." He didn't have to, it was what she believed and was evident in Mac's steely expression. And it annoyed him, that insecurity that she hid so well. "Mac, you aren't the only one hurting here. We walked through flames together and both got burnt, you more than me. And you _do_ need help. You even said it last night."

"Harm, don't." She pushed away from him and sat up, resting her back against the metal headboard. Like a petulant child Mac pouted and pulled away when Harm tried to take her in his arms. "I have a lot of old wounds that I don't want to open myself up to…Things I buried."

"Your father?"

Mac shook her head. "It probably started there." She sighed and dropped her head into her hands, not wanting to even think about what came after - the alcohol, her marriage to Chris and every other mistake which culminated in one loud crunch of a car crash. She didn't want to open herself up to the details, the bits and pieces that would make her so exposed. "What if what I find drives us apart?"

What scared her most was _them._ What if she realized her feelings for him weren't love? What then? What if he hated her for it? "What if you leave because of it?"

This time he was able to pull her into his arms, squeezing tightly. "Sarah...I'm not going anywhere." And he meant it.

* * *

Mac took a breath as she pushed past the glass doors and into the bullpen. Stopping at the entrance, she studied the surroundings which seemed both familiar and alien. It was good to be back, she decided once stepping into her office and dropping her cover and briefcase.

It had been kept immaculate and she grinned at the thought of her desk soonly to be covered with folders and papers. Harm would surely tease her about the mess and she welcomed that too - their banter.

"Colonel! Welcome back!" Harriet's cheery voice greeted her and quickly Mac was supplied with a mug of freshly made coffee. "I saw you come in, ma'am thought you could use some."

"Thank you, Harriet." Grabbing the mug she took a sip and sighed happily. "Excellent as always."

"The Admiral wants to see you. He and Commander Rabb are in his office."

Mac stiffened at the sound of Harm's name and that flash of awareness passed through her mind. _Did anyone know?_ About them, Mic and what transpired to break them apart? She found Harriet looking at her expectantly and Mac wondered if she was fishing for an answer. "I ah...Guess I'll head that way, thank you Lieutenant." She placed the barely touched mug on her desk and sighed.

"Ma'am if you _need_ to talk...I'm well, I'm here. I want you to know, we missed you. Commander Rabb, he missed you most of all. He seemed a little...lost and I just feel that…"

Harriet's sincerity made Mac self conscious, was there something to her appearance which stated things were unwell? Did Harm say something? _Of course not! Harm doesn't gossip._

"Thank you, Lieutenant but, everything is fine." Her words were neither truthful nor believable and Mac needed to move quickly to get away from the younger woman's gaze. More questions would come, she knew - specifically those about Mic and the wedding although Mac hoped her ex would have informed them that the nuptials were over.

When she stepped into Chegwidden's office Mac found Harm seated in his usual chair and the men were laughing about something or another as she marched in and came to attention. "Lt Colonel MacKenzie reporting as ordered, sir."

"At ease, Colonel and take a seat."

"Good morning, Mac." She could feel Harm's gaze briefly caressing over her and she didn't dare look him in the eye or acknowledge his presence besides a terse smile and a nod in his direction.

"Morning, Commander."

Chegwidden merely sat behind his desk eyeing the two of them with a stupid grin she'd only seen once. It was terribly uncomfortable and just...odd. Very, very odd. _He knows. _He had to given part of the conversation she'd heard months ago in Harm's apartment the morning after Mic had left. How much the Admiral knew made her nervous what with her penchant for picking the wrong men. "Welcome back Colonel…I trust you enjoyed your time on the LHA."

"I did sir, yes...Didn't ever think I would enjoy being at sea as much as I did. It was exciting."

"Maybe a little too exciting. Enough to earn you this." He slid a rectangular box across his desk and urged her to open it. "Ambassador Dart sent in for the commendation. Seems you left one hell of an impression, Colonel."

Mac's hand shook as she took the box and opened it to find a Meritorious Service Medal, her first. It both surprised and awed her that she'd been given the award especially under such terrible circumstances. "I can't take this, sir. And please, I don't wish to have any ceremony in fact if…"

"You don't have a choice, Colonel." He waved her off and then motioned towards Harm. "And if you don't want a formal ceremony, the Commander will do the honors."

"Yes, sir. I would love to." She looked at him then, holding her breath when his smile widened. Harm's eyes were alight with that cool blue hue which shone his admiration for her.

"It's really not necessary."

Chegwidden ignored Mac's request and boasted a rough, "Attention to orders." That had both officers standing ramrod straight.

Mac could feel her body sway slightly, the want for her legs to give out was sudden but, she managed to breathe past the wave of nausea. She didn't deserve the commendation, not when some people were killed or injured and especially not when she didn't know Lilyana's fate.

Harm took the medal and carefully pushed the pin through her jacket, securing it with great care then leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek. It mirrored his own commendation a couple of years ago when she'd been asked to 'do the honors' and left red lipstick on his cheek. "You earned this, Marine."

He wanted to really kiss her, so badly at that moment. Fully, on the lips until the World around them dissolved away. Harm was proud of her and lingered too long as a result until Chegwidden cleared his throat and reminded them that they were not alone. "Petty Officer Andrea Conrad...Commander you'll defend. Colonel, you'll prosecute…."

AJ's words drowned out almost completely, Mac could hear bits and pieces but, an overwhelming sense of dread befell her. Her first time back and they were already being split up. It made a bead of sweat drip uncomfortably down her spine. The room was closing in as well and Mac struggled to breathe until Chegwidden's voice stopped the panic attack. "Colonel?"

"Sorry, sir. Just a little tired this morning. Nothing a cup of coffee won't fix."

When they were finally allowed to leave, Mac was the first one out, taking a deep breath when she reached the outer office. "You alright?" Harm asked at once.

"I'm a little overwhelmed."

"You'll get back in the swing of things, Mac. I felt the same way you did when I got back from flying. Being at sea is freeing. Being here has its perks but it isn't the same." He was right, the sea had moments where she could disappear to the fantail and just stare up to star filled skies. "Sooo, since I'm a nice guy, I'll make it easy for you, conduct unbecoming, reduced pay, keep her in the Navy."

Mac snorted, if he thought he'd take advantage of her minor faux pas, he was dreaming. _Jerk._ "Hah. You, my dear Commander are clearly delusional. One year confinement, dishonorable discharge, out of the Navy."

"Oh c'mon Mac, she's a kid and we haven't even investigated." He followed her through the bullpen, weaving between desks when the sound of his name made Harm stop in his tracks and seek out the source.

A tall, African American Naval officer stood at the entrance to the bullpen, objectively glancing around the hustle and bustle. "Sturgis? How the hell are ya, Commander?" Harm hurried over to his friend and the two embraced in one of those patented 'man hugs'.

"Good. Finally got the call for HQ. This place is..." Sturgis cut himself short, stopping only because of the beautiful Marine standing next to his long time friend. His eyes went wide and whatever else he wanted to say ceased to come out as words.

Harm knew what Sturgis found so striking about Mac and it wasn't just her looks. "Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, Commander Sturgis Turner. Me and the Commander were as thick as thieves at Annapolis."

"Call me Mac." She stuck her hand out to have Sturgis tentatively shake it. His expression hadn't changed and she knew he was seeing a ghost. It made the hairs stand up at the back of her beck and that feeling of panic began to set it when she practically had to pry her hand out of his. "Welcome aboard, Commander. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a case to prosecute."

Strugis watched her walk away and then quickly turned to Harm. "Did that just happen?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, what? She looks like…"

Harm shrugged. He really didn't want to discuss Diane Shonke ever again. "Oh...Yeah, I guess."

"You guess? They could be twins."

He sighed. "Not really...Mac is..._Mac_… And no, they aren't related." Years ago he'd even gone as far as checking records, birth certificates from the hospital where Diane was born. He needed to make sense of two women with the same face occupying his life. Of course, he'd come up empty. Mac was younger than Diane by four years and there were the differences only he could see.

Absentmindedly, his eyes sought hers out through the open blinds of her office. She was sitting behind her desk, sipping on what he supposed waa coffee. Her eyes locked onto his for a moment and a soft smile assured him that she was okay at least for the moment. Christ, he was smitten, so so much.

"You're involved." Sturgis stared at the interaction finding it so much more profound than the schoolboy crush he recalled his friend having. Diane liked to flirt with Harm, too much in Sturgis' opinion and it nearly cost his friend low marks because he was too busy vying for her attention. The woman was nice enough, a good friend but she enjoyed the chase when it came to Harm.

"No." He lied. "Mac and me have been working partners for almost six years. We're good friends. She's gotten me through a lot of..._stuff_… she's...she's my best friend."

Sturgis raised a brow. "Okay, buddy...If you say do."

"Been here five seconds and you're already busting my chops, Sturgis? C'mon, I'll show you around."

* * *

Mac was leaning against the cabinet in the break room when Harm found her staring into her coffee mug. They hadn't seen each other much for most of the day, her return was marked with a desk covered with files that Mac managed to barely crack through a third of. She also had a headache, migraine or whatever the hell the tension on her neck, shoulders and head was. Any attempt to focus had been futile until she abandoned paperwork in favor of yet another cup of coffee. She'd skipped lunch as well only because when she ventured into the cafeteria Mac found the new Commander seated with Harm.

She didn't want to be on the other side of his questioning gaze nor the odd explanation of how two different women in Harm's life looked nearly identical. Lost in thought, she didn't notice him walk in, just looked into the cup as if it held some sort of answer. "Hey Mac." He moved around her, reaching into the cupboard to pull out his own mug. "Skipped lunch?"

"I wasn't hungry." She sighed and refused to look up although he was staring. "Commander Turner...he knew Diane didn't he?"

Harm took a sip of his coffee and nodded. "Yes…He'll get over it.. I got over it."

"Do you think of her. Not just when you look at me but, do you ever just think of her?"

"Mac."

"Do you?"

Harm placed his mug on the counter top and then moved to the doorway, making sure that the coast was clear. He walked back to her then, his hands coming to either side of Mac, trapping her between himself and the counter. "No." He pulled her mug out of her hands and sat it next to his. "I don't." Harm's voice had taken a deep, sexy tone and the hands that were once at her sides came up to frame Mac's face. "A certain Marine fills my thoughts and has for a while now."

He would have kissed her, God knows he wanted to but, Mac backed away enough to make him stop. Her eyes widened with a look that he didn't like - he didn't want to push her, didn't want to manipulate her. Harm wasn't Mic which is why he took a step back and saw her relax as he did. "Did you call Bethesda, yet?"

"No. I've been too busy."

"Maac."

"Harm, why are you pressuring me?!" Her voice was likely to catch the attention of any passerby but, she didn't care.

Harm leaned against the opposite cabinet and folded his arms across his chest. "Oh, I don't know? Maybe because of how I found you yesterday? That wasn't you and…"

Her nostrils were flaring, her eyes would have burned a hole right through him if she could. This was the last thing she needed, a fixation with her problems, another project for him to figure out. "Am I your new project? The next person you need to fix in order to get your hero kicks?"

"My what? Mac look…" She flinched when he took a step towards her although he didn't do so in anger. Harm knew what this was because he'd been on the wrong side of too many arguments with her. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried, is all. I never want to see you hurting like that again."

How she wound up in his arms Mac wasn't sure but, was grateful to be wrapped up in his warmth, his strength. She took from it greedily, resting her head against his shoulder as he simple held her in the break room of all places. She managed to hold back to tears although one had the audacity to slip out only to have him wipe it away when they broke apart. "We're adversaries now. This. We shouldn't do this."

Still, he was reluctant to let her go although Mac had mostly slipped out of his arms. He still held her hand, threading his fingers through hers and squeezing. "At work and that doesn't mean we're supposed to be enemies."

"Adversaries probably shouldn't be….uh _sleeping_ together, though." She grinned and he raised his brow at her insinuation. Given his own physical limitations, the sexual part of their relationship was on hold anyway. "You know what I mean...We shouldn't be staying over at each other's apartments for a while."

"You worried we can't be objective?"

"We're competitive." And their competitions had led to many horrible arguments none of which Mac wanted to rehash. Still, she kept her fingers threaded with his squeezing back when he meant to pull away. "I don't wanna rock the boat..Just because we are on opposite sides."

Harm knew she had a point and perhaps keeping a distance during certain cases would be the logical approach he just wasn't sure he wanted to spend so much time away. They'd been blessed with a second chance, messy as it was and he was willing to do anything to have her even if it meant letting Mac set the terms. "Can we start this tomorrow? I had dinner planned for you down to that bread you like."

Mac's lips curved up in a smile and for the first time in a while, it lit her eye as well. "Did you?"

"We aren't due in court yet…So, technically we aren't adversaries." He'd stepped forward again, once more trapping Mac between his body and the cabinet. This time, she didn't shy away in fact, her eyes were studying his lips with curiosity. "I promise to be the perfect gentleman just say 'yes.'"

"Yes." Before he had a chance to kiss her, Mac came up to her toes and pressed a barely there kiss on his lips. At that moment, she managed to push past him, taking her mug on the go. "I'll see you later, sailor." As much as she didn't want to want him, Mac did. She'd want him forever.


	14. Burnt By Flames

**Chapter 14 - Burnt By Flames**

The dancing flames from the fireplace softly illuminated Mac's living room casting subtle shadows against the walls. Harm fingers ran up and down her spine slowly, a caress that eased the apprehension from earlier in the day as they lay together on her sofa.

He'd made her dinner as promised and they'd discussed their case at length still not coming to a decision other than work belonging at work and not at home. They split a slice of chocolate mousse, had coffee and then she'd asked him to stay a little longer.

The want to kiss her was overwhelming and so he did slow and lovingly because his body still wasn't ready for more despite his every desire to please her. God did he want to please her. Instead, he cut the kisses short once they threatened to become too heated and pulled Mac on top of him.

She happily obliged, needing his closeness, the feel of strength which Harm exuded. It was lovely to just lay in his arms and ignore everything else as the fire's shadows cast a glow over them.

For some reason, the fire made Mac remember the first night she spent in his arms. It had been years ago as a day of playing hooky turned into a deadly game of escape.

* * *

They had found something of an outcropping dug into the natural rock creating a little dome of sorts. She wanted to keep moving, she needed to. The wound on her leg had bled out more and Mac could feel her body growing weaker by the hour.

Stopping would ensure she'd be more dead weight than she already was and for all of her bravado, Mac didn't want to die, not like this. But, Harm had forced her to rest, it was far too dark to navigate the unfamiliar woods and the poachers couldn't track in the dark.

And so she sat by the fire, keeping guard while he made their bedding. Armfulls after armfulls of needle bearing branches were stretched out on the ground as he created something called a bough bed. To his credit, it actually was comfortable once he helped her stand and eased her onto the bedding.

He was above her briefly, ensuring she was cozy by rolling up more pine behind her head. All she could do was lay there and let him care for her. He'd even pulled her jacket tighter not knowing that the back of his hand inadvertently brushed over one breast and sent a startling tingling sensation through her.

"I know it hurts. I'm sorry." He said when another touch made her breath catch. If only he knew that his nearness had made her all but forget her injury.

Harm finally laid next to her, yanking a few heavier pines over them as a blanket. "Night, Mac."

"Night." Sleep didn't come to her although her partner had dozed off right away. From the soft glow of the fire, Mac was able to gaze at him unabashed. He really was a handsome man and the scruff on his face from not shaving gave Harm an air of danger. Sexy was probably a better term to dwzcriv3 him with chiseled features and that killer smile that made butterflies take flight in her tummy.

Oh no, she wasn't immune to the flyboy smile but, Mac refused to let his charms sway her. They were in a strictly working relationship and frankly. men like Harmon Rabb Jr had never been interested in her and likely never would. Along with his good looks, Harm really was a good guy - noble to a fault, heroic, honorable. Those kinds of guys didn't want her which was why she'd spent the last few years single. After her involvement with Farrow and one brief, boring blip after Bosnia that followed, single was the way to be.

Being a JAG didn't quite offer much time to date anyway and Mac had been excelling in her career, it was the only stability that she had. Until Harm.

They'd only been partners for a few short months and despite fighting like cats and dogs there was a kinship there. More than that, God help her Mac knew she was falling for him. Which was why it was easier to keep him at arms length and not let him in on much of her private life. Until tonight.

He knew she was an alcoholic, that secret spilled from her lips no more than 12 hours after they met when he pulled her into some sense of security. But some more of her troubled past she'd shared with him tonight - the preventable death of her closest friend which led her on the path to the Corps. It was sick and twisted but Harm didn't pass judgement. He just let her talk, let her cry and then there banter had been the balm she never knew she needed.

Mac stopped her hand from reaching out to caress his face and instead curled into a ball to stave off the chills. Either from blood loss or dipping temperatures she'd begun to shiver uncontrollably.

And that was when he turned to his side. "Mac?" He pressed his hand to her forehead and let out a long sigh. "You're freezing."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah well, those chattering teeth say otherwise." Without asking he moved in close to her so that their bodies were touching.

"What the hell are you doing?" She pushed at his chest trying to maintain that distance but he just scooted closer.

"Don't they teach Marines about body heat, Major?" He teased which finally made her relax. "We didn't just survive running away from poachers to freeze to death. Just let me know if it hurts your leg at all."

And so she remained still as he pulled her into his arms, her head resting on his shoulders. She pulled the pines over them when he asked and within minutes the shivering stopped allowing her to doze off.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" Harm asked when he looked down to find a soft smile curving her lips.

Mac shrugged. "The first time I slept in your arms."

"That was some adventure...You still have the scar." He'd noticed it whenever Mac was in shorts or a bathing suit, the small discolored circle on her right thigh. He pressed a kiss onto the crown of her head and kept moving his fingers on her spin. "I kinda like this...No pressure to sleep together. We can...uh...talk about...things."

Harm was hoping she would open up to him ahd purge whatever dark secrets caused Mac to hurt. He figured it was some sort of PTSD caused by one trauma after another. She really hadn't loved an easy life and he'd contributed to some of her pain. She was right, he did want to fix her only Harm didn't know how.

"Dinner was great, by the way. I'm a sucker for good pasta."

He sighed, knowing her comment about his cooking, which she'd made at least five times, was a way to steer past any serious conversation. "So you said… What's really on your mind, Mac? I have the feeling that you don't want me here, not really."

"That's not true."

"Then what?" He moved to sit up which forced her to do the same. "Do you want to be with me? Really be with me?"

"Of course I do...How could..._Why_ would you ask that?" God was she projecting her insecurities that badly? He didn't answer simply stared at her. "Look, I had my life planned out with Mic. For better or for worse, I knew which way things were headed and one night, that all disappeared."

"Do you want to be with me, Sarah? Yes or no."

"Yes...I do but work...our careers. I get it now why it was so hard for you that night in Sydney. You don't want to leave the Navy and I don't want to leave the Corps."

Harm was hurt by her tone, the rough edge that it took which was a step away from screaming. She also stood and paced back and forth in a maddening pace that frankly scared him. "Mac. Sit down, relax. We'll figure it out just please calm down."

"I don't want to calm down, Commander!" Great, now she was using his rank in an effort to make this impersonal. "Five months ago you couldn't figure out what you wanted and now you want me to just give in to you on a whim?"

"A...A wh-_whim_?" Although he tried not to be hurt, that particular word hit him like a shot across the bow. What was worse, he knew she meant it. "I'm a whim?"

"Yes!" She yelled and then stopped placing a hand to her head when a wave of dizziness made her pause. "_No_...No you're not...I..I care for you so much. But, my feelings for you have made me do reckless things."

Like following after him like a lovesick puppy. Yes, it had been the Admiral's decision to send her after Harm in Russia but, she'd gone far above the duties of a caring friend and nearly died as a result. Not once but, twice she'd followed him blindly and then there was everything else. He didn't manipulate her like Mic had but, Harm manipulated her all the same.

"Why do I feel like we're breaking up?"

"Because we aren't actually together."

With those words she rendered him speechless. Harm's mouth opened to say something but he really couldmt formulate a coherent thought. In a way, she was right. They really weren together, he just slid into the spot Mic abandoned as if it were his right to be there. "We don't have to discuss forever tonight or tomorrow or even a month from now. I'm not pressuring you."

Cautiously, he stood before her, placing his hands on her shoulders to stop the pacing. "One day at a time. But, you need to see someone, this...this isn't you."

"Stop pushing me." She shrugged out of his grasp and placed a hand on his chest. "I don't need to see anyone. I'm fine...I just…"

"Maaac."

"No, Harm...Look, just go...go home."

Something told him he should argue or fight. He didn't fight for her then and he would now. But, from time to time the best way to help someone was to let them go. "Fine...Fine….For the record, Mac...I know what I want this time. I plan on being with you. This isn't the time, I get it but, I love you more than words can say." And then he was gone.

Mac dropped heavily onto the sofa and buried her head in her hands. She wouldn't cry. She would not cry. He'd only done what she'd asked. What had she done?

Finally, what she wanted most was in her grasp, the love of her life that she knew could fill the bits and pieces of her shattered soul. And Mac pushed him away again. No, she wouldn't cry but, the tears fell anyway.

* * *

Harm stepped into the bullpen and immediately glanced towards her office. The blinds were drawn, the door was closed but he knew she was there, her Corvette was in its usual spot. _Space_. He would give her space, all the space she needed and then...what?

Dejectedly, he tossed his briefcase and cover on his desk and plopped onto his chair. This wasn't the way he expected things to be. Weren't they supposed to come together in a flash of passion and understanding? He snorted at the thought that seemed more like a romance movie than real life.

Something was wrong with her, so very wrong because the woman who claimed to love him, the same one that grieved over the loss of his letter wouldn't act this way. She had PTSD, he was sure of it. Mac needed help, he just didn't know how to convince her. There was always the Admiral, he'd surely care about her wellbeing but that would mean divulging more than Harm was willing to. No one knew about their tryst and he would keep it that way, a secret between lovers.

_Lovers_? Is that what they were? He'd only made love to her once in the backseat of his car afraid to get caught but wanting her too much to stop. He heaved a sigh and scrubbed a hand over his face unaware that Sturgis Turner was watching him. "Hey buddy, you okay?"

The bubblehead watched with interest as Harm straightened in his chair when Mac stepped out of her office. His friend's eyes were glued on the beautiful Marine and when she headed to the fax machine, Harm was out of his chair in an instant.

Sturgis found the interaction amusing if not a little painful. Harm was hovering over the Colonel whispering something he couldn't quite hear. She'd placed a hand on his forearm and held his gaze only to share the most forlorn expression he'd ever seen on a woman. It actually made him hurt for her and when Harm sulked into his office suspicions were confirmed. "You're involved...Or were and it's pretty serious, isn't it?"

"Sturgis, don't start. Please, just leave me alone. Besides, any man who's ever been involved with Mac is dead or wishes they were." He added himself to that list as his heart too had taken a hit.

It was meant to be an indiscreet comment not intended to be heard by anyone but, she'd heard it loud and clear having stepped out of her office to retrieve the document left in the fax.

Mac glared at him with a steely expression that would have melted ice. He felt it down to his soul, the irrevocable damage that his words pounded her with yet again. Good God, what had he done? "Mac..wait."

He rushed through the bullpen following behind as she raced to the elevators. Her eyes filled with unshed tears and that steely expression magnified when Harm stopped the doors from sealing her away from him. "Mac…"

"We're through."


	15. Back To Black

**Chapter 15 - Back To Black**

_"We're through."_ Harm grabbed a pillow and covered his head holding so tightly he hoped to smother the sound of her voice. She hadn't yelled at him, didn't slap him as he deserved. No, Mac was cool and calm but that steely voice gutted him. And her eyes, chocolate with flecks of amber were brimming with unshed tears.

"Fuck!" What the hell had he done? What could have possesed him to be so stupid or callused, crass even. "Every man who's ever been with Mac is dead or wish they were." Sadly, he meant every word because that is what she made him feel when after ruthlessly sleeping with him she still went to Mic.

No, that wasn't right at all. He'd sent her to him in effort to stop her name from being smeared. Harm tried to reach her that night too but every call went ignored. He promised her it would be alright and somehow everything after that got so out of control.

It wasn't Mac that made him feel dead inside, it was himself and all of the chances he'd ignored or refused. And now he likely lost her for good. Harm sat up in bed and tossed his pillow across the room; sleep wasn't happening tonight.

_"We're through."_ Harm buried his face in his hands and let out a primal scream, then the tears came.

* * *

"Excuse me, Colonel?" A nervous Harriet appeared at Mac's office door holding a rather ornate bouquet of yellow roses. It was hefty and the Lieutenant needed both hands to hold the arrangement. "These came for you."

Mac looked away from the computer and sighed heavily, the sounds of an expletive wasn't lost on Harriet as the Marine stood and took the flowers. The last few days she'd been showered with gifts beginning with a simple Hallmark card with prose that asked for forgiveness. She ran the card through her shredder without reading whatever heartfelt message he'd scribbled inside and tried not to give it a second thought. The next gift had been a stuffed purple dinosaur with a small card attached to its collar, the words 'I'm sorry' sprawled across. She'd given the plushie to Harriet offering it as a gift to little AJ.

The next was a package of Oreos with a sticky note attached once again asking for forgiveness. That gift had been dropped off at the break room when she went in search of coffee.

To his credit, Harm hadn't tried to speak to her, their only interaction being the case he was defending and she was prosecuting. And now came the flowers which made her anger increase tenfold.

Harriet knew something was wrong, ever since stepping foot into headquarters yesterday Mac had been surly. She figured the attitude had something to do with Mic, noting that the Colonel no longer wore his ring and wisely decided not to pry.

"Thank you Lieutenant, I got it from here." Mac took the flowers and made a show of walking out of her office to a large wastecan near the fax machine. She knew Harm was watching and could feel his eyes following her. Holding the vase over the trash, she let it go and her lips turned up in a satisfied smile when the vase smashed into pieces.

She did look at him then, searching for his eyes through his open office door. Her expression was steely yet again and she raised a brow in challenge. Harm was surprised when she actually walked into his office, stopping just at the edge of his desk. Mac looked absolutely lethal, like a Marine intent on killing. "I'm gonna kick your butt." And then she was gone, disappearing behind a slammed door.

He was screwed.

* * *

Court normally provided a distraction. Between investigations and preparing the best case possible, it was therapeutic. She realized why this was their battle ground and their often heated debates nothing more than a certain tension being eased - foreplay. It's a wonder more people hadn't asked if she and Harm were involved because it did seem like lovers during a spat.

He knew her moves and anticipated them, she knew his and the lack of sleep on top of an already hellacious bout of insomnia made her much more brash. "Objection, Commander Rabb could not possibly know what the witness is thinking."

"If the Colonel would allow me to get there, she would understand my line of questioning, your honor." They had been trading barbs and subtly veiled insults masked through interrogations. He was hurting and she was too, the ammunition was endless.

"I'll allow it."

Mac rolled her eyes. "Of course he gets a pass being the Navy's poster boy." She really should have internalized that statement but, it came out anyway and frankly, Mac didn't care who heard or what damage it would do.

Admiral Morris glared down at the Marine who was normally the more composed of the two. "Excuse me Colonel?"

"You heard m…"

"I'll rephrase!" Harm had heard her too and saw that fire in her eyes that would have likely made her say something foolish. His eyes were wide as saucers when he faced Mac. This hadn't been her first or second comment that she'd worked under her breath this was just way too clear. "Petty Officer, did Lt. Shaw ever mention he was in love with you?"

The Petty Officer sat on the stand, a blond hair, blue eyed beauty with a background in theft which led her to choose between the Navy or prison. Harm was arguing that her latest brush with the law was nothing more than a young girl being manipulated by the affections of a much older officer. Mac simply saw a criminal who had no business being in any of the arm forces and deserved to do her time behind bars. The young woman shrugged as she batted her baby blues at Harm. "What does love have to do with anything?"

Her answer made Mac snort loudly. How fitting. Hadn't Harm told her something like that before he left to fly when she was trying to lay her heart's desires out to him? _"I have so much I want to tell you but, I can't find the words."_ No, she couldn't find the words because his own words hurt. They hurt like hell and then he was gone. "Objection! The Petty Officer's love life isn't on trial, her inability to stay away from others possessions is."

"Goes to motive, your honor."

"Overruled...Commander, get there quickly."

"Unbelievable." Mac threw her hands up in exasperation. Although Admiral Morris was not picking favorites, to her it seemed that only Harm was getting the breaks.

"Did the Lieutenant mention he was in love with you? Yes or no."

"Yes."

"And you would have done anything to return that love...He seduced you, a younger woman, enlisted following the orders of an officer."

The Petty Officer nodded in agreement. "Yes...I did, Alex said no one would know...He was the most senior officer at the time, said it was just for fun, I never realized he would...he would force me to steal." That's when the waterworks began, fake as far as Mac was concerned and she was disgusted with the woman.

"Your witness."

She waited until Harm was seated in order to avoid them running into each other as they had the past few times she'd tried to stand and then carefully walked towards the Petty Officer. "Petty Officer, you said and I quote 'what does love have to do with anything.' Did you mean that?"

"I ah..it was just a phrase ma'am."

Mac folded her arms across her chest. "Why did you say it?"

"I don't know...I guess…"

"Because Lt Shaw didn't manipulate you to do anything, did he?"

"Ma'am. I wanted to make Alex happy…he said it was just for fun, that no one would get hurt."

"Happy? Stealing other sailor's personal effects? No, you are a compulsive burglar who can not help herself." Mac grabbed a paper from her desk and held it up in front of the Petty Officer's face. "These are priors, yours. Seems like you made quite a career of petty larceny."

"Objection, the Petty Officer's past is not on trial here." Harm said and though his eyes sought out Mac's she plainly ignored him keeping her back to him with a ramrod straight posture as he spoke.

"Sir, if I may be granted a little leeway?"

"Overruled, proceed Colonel."

What proceeded crushed any defense strategy Harm could have attempted. He wasn't sure how Mac dug up so much information the the Petty Officer and Lt Shaw but the evidence began to stack up in the prosecution's favor. Paperwork, bank statements hidden under aliases were brought to light along with pictures of the woman depositing money from items she'd stolen and sold, in banks which matched the falsified names.

Furthermore, Mac also went after Lt. Shaw, who was arrested shortly after court adjourned for the day as an accessory to the theft. Mac remained at her desk, waiting for the courtroom to clear out before even attempting to stand and put her files away. She fel Harm's eyes on her when he stood up to leave and she continued to ignore him, it was easier that way and she hoped that, eventually whatever they had would pass. It had to pass because the alternative would mean leaving JAG and she wasn't prepared to do that again.

Harm pretended to leave, standing just outside of the courtroom in wait for Mac to finish gathering her paperwork. Once the last person departed, he quietly walked back inside trapping her between the edge of the desk and his body. "Mac, you're not the only one hurting here." It was inappropriate given the location and how he loomed over. When she tried to push away, Harm pushed back. "Give me a chance."

"Tell me you didn't mean it." Slowly her eyes raised up to look into his and the answer was there. She actually rendered him speechless, his mouth opening to formulate words that just wouldn't come out. "You can't because it's true."

"No, Mac. Please." She pushed at his chest and Harm stepped back but as Mac went to pass, his hand grabbed her forearm. It was a last ditch effort because yes, she was right - he had meant the words and nothing would change that. Without warning he kissed her and for the life of him Harm was sure she had surrendered until her hand connected against his cheek with a resounding 'crack.'

He hissed from the contact and Mac knew it had to hurt him because her palm now stung from the strike. Unbeknownst to them both, Chegwidden had caught the interaction and the second hit which Mac inflicted, another slap against Harm's cheek to make sure he got her point. "Colonel! What the hell is this?"

Chegwidden's bowing voice echoed in the chamber walls and Mac didn't even seem to shy away from her commanding officer. She merely stood there with a satisfied expression while Harm stood by, still stunned by her actions. "My office, now Colonel."

"Aye, aye, sir." She took her items, turned on her heel and quickly headed to her commanding officer's sanctum.

* * *

"Im fine, sir. I do not wish to see anyone." Mac could count with one hand the times she'd been reprimanded by Chegwwiden, all of them had been within reason. Sometimes it was due to Harm's actions which had slung mud her way and this time, in her opinion, it was without merit. He hadn't seen the way Harm grabbed her or the unwanted kiss he'd pressed on her lips. She wouldn't divulge that kind of information either, her pride wouldn't take more of a hit than it already had.

She was still standing at attention, staring at the wall behind Chegwidden's head, barking back her belief that psychological babble was not needed to resolve her issues. AJ saw something different and he cursed himself for not noticing it before when her relationship with Brumby sent her begging for an assignment away from JAG headquarters. He'd warned her about the ramifications it could mean to her career but, Mac was determined to disappear for a time - to get away from Harm, Mic and the questioning glances from those who hadn't known her nuptials had been canceled indefinitely.

When Rabb called him several weeks with notice that Mic had hurt Mac, he'd been concerned for the stoic Marine. Chegwidden kicked himself for missing certain signs, that the mark above her cheek which he hadn't pried into. Mac was always very private and almost no one knew about her life, her past or all the bumps she'd lived through as an adolescent. Now, all he wanted to do was make things right when it was clear the woman was hellbent on hurting forever. "I asked you to see someone after your tussle with Frank Coster. You didn't, did you?"

"No, sir. He was caught and I moved on. End file."

Her tone almost made him flinch and it was his own gruff, SEAL demeanor which kept his tone even albeit rough. "Right. And after you shot your husband? You said you had a private doctor and prefered to keep it off your records. That was a lie too, wasn't it?"

Her veneer cracked at that and he could see Mac was teetering on the heels, swaying slightly and just as quickly regaining control. "Sir, I do not feel that I need any type of psychological babble in my life. I am doing well save for one spat with Commander Rabb which, I promise will be rectified once…"

"I'm ordering you to see someone, Colonel."

"Sir, it is not wanted or needed and…"

"Lock it up, Marine!" That was Chegwidden's last straw. He stood up so suddenly that it tipped his desk chair over sending it to the ground with a loud crash. Mac was sure she'd never seen him round the desk quite that fast, not even the many times when Harm had been in for a good dressing down. She stood even straighter and for reasons Mac couldn't explain, she felt her eyes sting from unshed tears. No! This isn't happening. I will not cry! I will not cry!

"You will go to counselling. I am giving you the rest of the week to find the doctor of your choice. This is an order, not a request. If you disobey, so help me, my punishment will be swift, the Aleutians will seem like a beach day in Fiji when I'm done with you. Am I clear?"

Mac couldn't speak for the knot in the back of her throat only grew. The tears which she hoped wouldn't fall spilled freely and she wasn't sure how to stop them. "Aye, sir." She managed to croak out and then her legs began to give out. Thankfully, Chegwidden must have noticed her discomfort for a second later, he was ordering her to take a seat.

She swiped at the tears as fast as possible but was still offered a handkerchief by Chegwidden which only served to make her cheeks burn bright red in embarrassment. "Thank you, sir."

"Mac, your record won't take another hit because of this. In fact, in lieu of what happened in Indonesia, I don't think anyone would criticize you for seeking help."

"I didn't mean to cry, sir...I just...it's been...I don't know."

He sighed and dropped into the seat next to her. "I know that you and Brumby are over." At her worried look he motioned to her hand. "The engagement ring is gone. You wouldn't have desperately taken the first lengthy TAD if you were happily engaged. So you and Mic?"

"It's over and it's for the best."

He cringed at the next question but, he needed to know just how much of a wide berth to give the partners. "You and Rabb?"

Mac brushed away one tear. "You told us not to get too close. We're not together. It was over before it began."

Chegwidden waved her off. "I don't expect more of an explanation just know that often things aren't as they seem."

"I know Commander Rabb may have filled you in on some of the details."

"He told me that Brumby hurt you...I really don't need to know more than that."

Mac nodded. Of course Harm wouldn't have said more, he wasn't the type to divulge private information and yet, that comment to Sturgis. "I can't blame you for hitting Rabb, Lord knows I've wanted to deck him a few times myself but, you are an officer in the Marine Corps, I expect more from you."

"It won't happen again, sir...I'll call Bethesda first thing tomorrow."

Chegwidden stood then and towered over her as he glanced down. "Today Colonel."

She was doomed.


	16. Listening

**Chapter 16 - Listening**

Mac was sure her hands were raw from gripping her cover. She was nervous and the longer she sat in the small waiting room the worse the apprehension grew. The walls were closing in and Mac was pretty sure her windpipe was being blocked by some foreign object that wouldn't allow her to take a deep breath.

Her chest tightened. Her heart raced and she was about to run when the door opened and a tall woman emerged wearing a black skirt and a form fitting blue blouse covered by a smock. "Hello, you must be Sarah MacKenzie. I'm Doctor Moira Taylor."

Mac swallowed and looked up from the woman's outstretched hand which she hadn't shaken. The doctor was beautiful, flawless porcelain skin, deep green eyes and flowing locks of red hair. She had a genuinely friendly smile, kind eyes and Mac hated her already.

"Colonel MacKenzie." She took the doctor's hand and squeezed a bit too tightly.

"Woah, take it easy Colonel. I know you military types don't like to talk about feelings, but I'm not the enemy, I promise." Her smile widened making the woman look even more beautiful than before. For the first time in her life, Mac felt inadequate in uniform; frumpy even.

Reluctantly, she followed the doctor into the office. "I'm not here because I need this. I'm here because my CO ordered me. So tell me where to sit so I can get this over and done with and be on my way."

The doctor slowly sank into her chair and stared at the Marine with a cool gaze. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, for some reason Marines and SEALs were usually the hardest to crack. This Marine, she knew, would be formidable. "So, let me give you a bit of information on how I operate. This is not a 'one and done' type of deal. I'm a 'Rome wasn't built in a day' type of gal and will not clear you for full duty until you finish your sessions."

She almost laughed when Mac's face dropped. "How many of these 'sessions'," Mac asked with quotation fingers, "Are there gonna be?" As she stood in the center of the office, an air of petulant defiance oozed off of her.

Doctor Taylor shrugged. "From the looks of it, a few."

"What's a few?"

"Let's not label your wellbeing with numbers just yet, I'd like to get to know you first." She pointed to one of the inviting armchairs in front of her desk. "Sit, relax. I'll have my secretary bring you tea, coffee, water, anything you like."

"Are you military?" Mac still stood and tried to find some sort of flaw that she would bring to Chegwidden and have him end this endeavor until she could find a way out.

"Civilian, grew up a military brat with a father that spent several years as a DI in Parris. I know the ropes so cut the crap and take a seat."

Mac sighed and practically plopped into one of the chairs. "I'm a military brat myself. My father was a Marine."

"Is that who got you into the Corps?"

"No." She shook her head. "It was my uncle." Prior to drying out with Uncle Matt, Mac aimed to stay as far away from the Marines as possible. She was practically forced to enlist because the alternative would have meant time behind bars. At eighteen years of age she knew better than to steal cars with Chris and Eddie but did so anyway because the rush was too good to give up and better than any drug. When Chris was taken to jail, she and Eddie continued until that fateful night.

"I assume you close with your uncle?"

"He was like a father to me when my dad wasn't. Some of my happiest times as a kid was going camping with uncle Matt." But, all too soon he would disappear being sent to one corner of the World or another for months on end. The last good thing her father ever did was call Matt to deal with Mac after the crash.

"I did some stupid things as a kid, drank heavily, stole cars...One night there was a bad car accident, a close friend of mine bled out and died right then and there. I was taken to the hospital, don't remember too much other than my uncle taking me out to the deserts of Arizona to dry out. I guess he saved my life."

"You're an alcoholic." It was more of a statement than a question but, Doctor Taylor's voice was soft and non-judgemental.

Mac nodded. "Ten years sober until I fell off the wagon for a split second. Haven't had a drink in almost five years." It should have been fifteen and it shamed her that some stupid stalker made her so weak.

"Have you wanted to?"

Had she? The thought hadn't crossed her mind although Mic was hardly caring about her addiction. Though she didn't mind others drinking around her, Mic was insensitive enough to leave alcohol around the apartment - a bottle of scotch, a half drunk glass of wine. He'd even kissed her while reeking of alcohol after having a celebratory drink at the bar. Sometimes she wasn't sure if it was done on purpose. He'd even suggested she try a sip of that wine once, that her alcoholism was controllable, a state of mind.

They joked it off but, the more she thought back at her life with Mic the more flaws Mac found. "No, not like that. The last time I had a drink I didn't stop until I was drunk. I said a lot of nasty things to someone I cared about and refuse to let it happen again."

"So your uncle led you to the Corps. Clearly it fortified something in you if you've made it to Lieutenant Colonel in what's nothing more than a boys club."

Mac chuckled at that. Boys club indeed. "It's been a ride full of bumps and bruises for sure but, worth it. I'd be dead if not for the Marines. They gave me a purpose."

"Do you enjoy it?"

She smiled. "Yes. Immensely so...I love the structure, the fact that, as a Marine I'm treated with respect." It was more than just purpose, the Marines were her life, her whole adult life revolved around the Corps down to her friends whom she wouldn't have met if she hadn't joined.

"Good." A lot of Dr. Taylor's military patients hated the service and felt stuck in a way. "So what brings you here?"

Honestly? Mac wasn't sure. She survived worse, far worse than what had been going on. She didn't see the need for therapy until she remembered Harm finding her on the bathroom floor, crying. "Men, I suppose."

"Men?"

She sighed. "I took an assignment to the Indian Ocean which was a possible step back in my career to get away from the man that I…" Did she even love Harm anymore? When he touched her in the courtroom and kissed her she'd initial perceived it as hostile intent. Now, Mac wasn't so sure. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to remember with an open heart.

Harm hadn't been rough with her. The touch on her forearm was gentle, his mouth on hers equally so. He'd framed her face and when he kissed her and it was loving because he loved her - really loved her for her. And she slapped him because...she didn't remember anymore. Damnit. Angrily, Mac swiped at a tear that suddenly fell. Oh yeah, five minutes in and she was already crying. Yep, therapy was going to be swell. "I basically ran away from the man I loved."

Loved. Past tense. They were over now and she made sure to emphasise that. So what if more tears came and she needed to take a tissue to wipe them away? So what if her heart ached?

So what if she missed him? And would miss him for weeks to come - Chegwidden sent Harm TAD to California and though he hadn't said, Mac was sure it was meant to put some distance between them.

"Was he abusive to you?" At Mac's hard glare, the doctor raised her hands in defense. "You have a good career, no one takes a potential step back if something concerning didn't happen. Was this man abusive?"

"No. My fiancé was…" Her mouth dropped open at that unvarnished comment. It was said with such conviction and Mac didn't even bother hiding it anymore. She had plenty of time to think about Michael Brumby and all of the things she endured because she didn't want to be alone. "I was engaged to an Australian Naval Officer for about two years."

"Two years is a lifetime to most. From the lack of an engagement ring on your finger, I take your relationship is over."

Absentmindedly, Mac ran her thumb over her ring finger where that gaudy ring once was. It was stuffed into a drawer until she figured out where to send it. "Yes. There were some _complications_."

Harm. Ever since she joined JAG headquarters any and all complications began and ended with Harm. "I loved someone else.. I just. I didn't think he loved me back. He did everything to push me away until the night of my engagement party."

Oh how he kissed her, desperate and passionate when Mac intended to simply kiss him goodbye. She clung to him, finally felt the dam break within herself and washed over him to the point that her desire led them to Harm's car. Each move between them was wanted and needed and wonderful. It felt right and she'd been branded by him then. "I slept with another man who wasn't the one I intended to marry...I know how that sounds."

"How does it sound?"

"Like I'm an adulteress. Like it was just a nasty affair and it wasn't...It was, everything." Not once but twice he'd loved her, driving his body up to meet hers. Harm held her, kissed her, wanted her, promised things. Fate just had a nasty way of stepping on their plans. "I realized then how much he loved me and how much I would always love him. We were always meant to be together but life got in the way."

"Doesn't sound like a casual type of affair, you knew this man well, didn't you?"

Mac nodded. "He's been my partner since I came to Washington and my best friend. I sorta fell for him and just never thought he felt the same...and then." More tears fell and Mac cursed under her breath at the absurdity of it all. They were two stubborn people of course their love story would be marred. "I'm sorry."

Dr. Taylor offered a soft smile. "Don't be sorry, Colonel. You're here to talk. I'm here to listen. Nothing you say leaves this room, ever. You're safe."

Safe. Yeah, Mac though she would be safe with Harm and yet, Mic had taken his anger out on her. It was well deserved, she thought, an affair deserved some sort of punishment but…"What qualifies you to listen? And is that all you do?"

Mac stood and began to pace in a sort of manic way. She was feeling trapped, the lion in a cage which needed to escape but had nowhere to go. She motioned with her hand at the doctor's desk and the legal pad the woman had been scribbling on. "You've been taking notes. Let me guess, jotting down just how fucked up I am?"

The hostility came out of nowhere given how little Dr. Taylor led Mac. The Marine sang like a canary which the doctor suspected was very unlike her. "The certificates on the wall qualifies me. Plus I've practiced for nearly twenty years. I'm not here to judge you, Colonel. Believe it or not it's likely I've heard far worse things."

"I'm not gonna do this...this..._thing_ all you shrinks do and dig for things that aren't there...I'm fine. I am just tired of being manipulated...you're manipulating me, too."

"How am I manipulating you? The things you said you did without me prompting...I think you want to be here...You have things to figure out."

"Yeah, well I'll figure them out on my own thanks." Mac headed towards the door intent on never coming back. It was Taylor's voice that stopped Mac by the open door.

"Why are you alone? Or is it that you choose to be? You enjoy running don't you?"

Mac held onto the doorknob tightly and tried to fight the fresh tears that ran down his cheeks anyway. "I don't know what else to do."


	17. Into Words

**Chapter 17 - Into Words**

It was dark when Mac slipped into her apartment, walked to her bedroom and practically collapsed into her bed wearing uniform and all. She didn't even kick off her heels, it was too exhausting to move even a muscle. Her body ached and her stomach was tied up in knots. It was almost like that feeling of crashing hard after an all night bender and no matter how much she shifted in bed, Mac couldn't relax.

Eventually, she hauled herself to the bathroom leaving a trail of clothing behind before filling her tub and slipping beneath the hot water and lavender scented bubbles. It managed to staunch some of her body aches but, her mind whirled at a zillion miles per hour.

Today had been her second session with Dr. Taylor and another attempt to cease the sessions had been countered by threats of refusing to clear Mac for duty. It would have been an idle threat but, she wasn't too sure how much the doctor could be pushed. It was unnerving as it was a 'homework' project to start a diary, one where she penned out her feelings on a daily basis.

The concept made her laugh wryly especially given the conversation she'd been led through, the one part of her life Mac wished she could just erase for good. The subject was her childhood and her parents.

* * *

"My father was abusive to my mother..._physically._" And the sounds of his fists slamming into her mother's skin, the hard slaps wouldn't erase from her mind. They haunted Mac when she least expected it as did the memories of sitting curled up into a ball at the back of her closet praying to a God that never answered the call. She was too scared to do anything, even when Joe MacKenzie called for her, Sarah remained quiet and still, hoping she wouldn't be next.

"He went through 'Nam and came back messed up like everyone else. He drank too much and took all of his aggression out on her. I never understood why he..._hated_ her so much and then turned around and cried...He would cry and beg for forgiveness. Things would be okay for a day or two."

Mac often wondered why her parents even bothered having children. "My mother was pregnant once and lost the baby because of him." Joe had slammed his wife against a wall with the absurd belief that she'd been unfaithful. The miscarriage was instant and Sarah recalled the blood, so much of it. "lt was likely for the best, the MacKenzie household didn't need another child to fuck up." Not when they did such a good job at destroying Sarah.

"Did your father ever abuse you?" It was one of the most sensitive subjects which Dr. Taylor dealt with and a stigma that haunted her patients for life. There was shame, fear, guilt that often carried into that person's current life. She could see shades of it hidden in Mac that Marine veneer covering most of it but not all.

"He never hit me."

"I said _abuse_ not _hit._" She clarified and when Mac stared at her in confusion she offered a better explanation. "Abuse comes in different forms. Physical is the most obvious but then there's emotional, mental, verbal. You don't have to hit someone to hurt them." And often enough the emotional abuse caused more damage than the physical. "Bruises fade, words haunt. Especially if you believe them."

_'Everyone here knows you're Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter, Sarah. You disgust me!'_

Mac bit her lip as her father's voice echoed in her ears. She was sixteen caught kissing a boy for the first time on her front porch. It was one of the few times she'd been sober but her father never liked Rick, the son of a Navy Commander. He was cute and shy and treated her right like a gentleman should but her father had run him off. _'Squids are garbage, all of them...especially officers. And you are whoring around with a kid who's being groomed to be one.'_

"My father was as kind to me as he could be. I know he loved me but, his words...He put me down all of the time...Called me...called me a 'tramp'." She couldn't say the other word, it made her feel so much shame mostly because he'd been right. Only a whore would sleep with a man, in the back of a car the night of her engagement party to another man. "I think it was his way to force me to stay with him. If I made nothing out of myself I wouldn't leave our crap town and he wouldn't be alone."

"I found out three and a half years ago that he followed my whole Marine career. He was proud of what I became and I only found this out when he lay in a hospice dying. I abandoned him to save myself and never looked back."

"Do you regret that?"

"Having a real, good life? No, I don't. I probably would have died of alcohol poison or been arrested...I just...he had a rough life, I could have helped him _somehow_. I just abandoned him like my mother abandoned me."

"Your mother abandoned you?"

"On my fifteenth birthday…I forgave her for it...I think. At least I tried to." Deanne MacKenzie had made sure everything for Sarah's birthday was perfect. Cake, decorations and even the few friends her daughter had along with some neighbors kids. She knew the distraction from the party would male the perfect escape. "My father was pleasant for once...but then, he always put up an act when others were around, the perfect family to everyone on the outside."

Mac was too busy opening presents, eating cake and just trying to be a 15 year old girl, she hadn't noticed that Deanne's excuse to run out for ice cream was a ruse, the woman would never return. "He held me when I cried...told me it would be okay just the two of us...I took my first drink of vodka that night...despite the hangover it made things easy to forget…"

Sarah broke into the liquor cabinet, spun open the tab of the bottom shelf crap which passed for alcohol. It smelled foul, burned as it went down and burned even more in her stomach. She took another sip and then another, eventually feeling numb. "It's amazing how quickly you get addicted...it became a life giving essence...Then I met a boy, Chris and he was able to supply me with more."

Chris was older than her and reckless enough not to care. She'd fallen head over heels for him, the dangerous bad boy in his early twenties who smoked, drank, drove motorcycles and more importantly, was gentle when Sarah gave up her virginity to him. Chris Ragle was sexy, fun and the protector she needed to rid herself of Joe MacKenzie. "It made sense for him to be my first...We were always together, he kept my father away, protected me...I thought that was love...So we got married when I turned 18 and he was arrested some months later."

The relationship was entirely toxic but, at least, Chris wasn't abusive and showed her some respect. Mac never understood until she joined the Marines that keeping her drunk was Chris' form of dominance over her. It forced her to be his good little housewife without forging a future for herself.

They weren't married for more than two months before Chris drove a stolen car, lined with heroin across state lines. A repeat offender, justice was swift and his sentence lengthy. There was no one left to care for her anymore and Sarah refused to return to her father. It made sense to spend time with Eddie. He was kind to her, cared like an older brother and despite an obvious attraction would not make a move because she was Chris' girl. It was another toxic relationship, nevertheless.

"And not that long after you joined the corps?"

Mac nodded. "Yes...I hadn't seen my father in months, he was the one who called Uncle Matt to take care of me after a horrible car crash when I almost died."

She finally managed to graduate high school and after a night of constant libations had stupidly gotten into a car with an equally inebriated Eddie. The rest was, as they say, history. Sarah didn't realize it at the time but the rest of her life started that night. "You're lucky to be alive."

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't lived. I could have stopped him but, we were young, invincible, nothing could touch us…"

Dr. Taylor grinned, "The folly of youth."

"His blood is on my hands, Doc." And that had been a weight on her shoulders she'd only discussed with Harm when they spent the night in the woods running from poachers. She trusted him with her life as well as with one of her darkest secrets. And he didn't blame her or take pity, simply rationalized the accident as a youthful transgression.

"He didn't even seem to care that I was hurt. Accused me of killing my friend...So I left with Uncle Matt, dried out and joined the Corps." There had been a reason for that, the disgust and slew of insults Joe MacKenzie hurled at her while Mac lay in a hospital bed detoxing and healing from various wounds. He hadn't taken ownership that perhaps Sarah's alcoholism had been partly his own doing.

"It wasn't a good situation for you to be in Colonel...sadly, sometimes we need to move on and others get left behind. It's okay to leave a toxic relationship even if it's from your parents."

Mac was once again gripping her cover, the fabric making her hands raw and chafed. She felt the EGA embedded into her skin and studied her palm to see the mark. "What if I could have helped him? Or at least tried? I wanted out, I left." She ran away and that thought saddened her. "You're right...I always run away… I ran away from my husband too, never looking back."

"Is your husband still in jail?" The doctor asked, sure that the Marine in front of her wouldn't go back to that reckless life.

What she couldn't expect was Mac's next words. "He's dead and I killed him."

* * *

The session's clock rang then and both women remained still simply looking at one another. Surely Dr. Taylor had heard worse, the countless stories of war crimes and death which other service men and women must have divulged.

It wasn't said with remorse or shame just stated as a fact and Mac's tone had clearly spun the doctor on her axis. She half expected Dr. Taylor to add more time to the session but it was late and this was obviously a subject that would take more time.

So Mac had been instructed to write and put her feelings of each discussion into words. She stared at the book with leather-bound dark colors that was resting at the edge of her coffee table and sighed. "A diary, huh?"

Mac grabbed it, leafing through the empty pages as if awaiting for the words to suddenly appear. She took a pen, uncapped it and scribbled the first thing that came to mind. '_Why I killed my husband.'_

"So stupid." She snorted at the words, ripped the page out, balled it up and hurled it across the room. It reminded her of some 'how to' book or a biography of some sort. Why bother with a title anyway? This was a stupid little journal not the Great American Novel. Mac took a breath and let it out very slowly while she pressed the black ink pen to the page and began to write.

An hour passed by and then two or maybe even three or four. Words appeared across the simple white pages, truths even Mac had compartmentalized so well she'd all but forgotten.

The subject changed quickly as one thought after another filled her mind. Culminating in John Farrow's involvement with Chris' untimely demise. She felt shame and guilt as her prose detailed her relationship with John. _Relationship_ because it wasn't just a little fling and Mac refused to identify it as an affair.

Inappropriate, yes but then John served to be both a mentor and the companion she needed. It lasted several months, actually longer than her time with Chris. John was patient, understanding. loving and it wasn't just about sex although that was good too. Had it not been for their ranks, something would have come out of it but, he had to let her go. John wouldn't ruin his career or hers when being together was impossible. So he guided her towards JAG seeing a lawyer's impassioned mind behind those beautiful looks.

Mac laughed through tears and choked back a sob. Harm seemed devastated to learn of her affair with Farrow. Although he didn't say as much, that was when everything that seemed solid began teetering on shaky ground. He'd known there was something more from the moment he saw Mac's interaction with Farrow. To be fair, Mac was still enamored with the older man and missed that simple companionship of earlier times.

The jealousy was there, expressed by a jerk move of going behind her back to present Chegwidden with information and claiming she was not objective. During her trial, Harm defended her zealously although it bothered him that Mac would perjure herself for a former lover. For weeks after, he would look at her differently and she was never sure if it was pity or disdain. Then Jordan came and she felt all but erased until Harm dropped the ultimate bombshell - he was heading back to a carrier.

Mac loved John, that much she knew. He would always hold a special place in her heart. She wasn't _in love_ with him - only one man had ever held that distinction and, like usual, she drove him away.

It was morning by the time she stopped, thankful that it was Saturday. Much too wired to rest, she slipped into her running gear and headed off to Rock Creek Park. It avoided her from beginning a new diary entry, a subject that would take too long to put into words - Harmon Rabb Jr.

* * *

Harm lay out on a lounger, one of six that lined the pool deck. He was soaking up the sun and enjoying the warm California day, the picturesque beach and the up and coming sun set. As he stared out to the ocean, he could only think of one thing.

"The wheels in your head must be churning a million miles per hour. I can hear them from here." Patricia Burnett knew her son and behind that dazzling smile he'd presented, something was most certainly _off. _ He seemed happy enough but that mirth never quite reached his eyes. "Darling, what is it?"

"How do you always know?"

Trish grinned and rolled her eyes behind designer sunglasses. "Please, Harm. You could never, ever keep anything from me. Your smile is there but, your eyes...your father couldn't keep things away from me either." She gave him a watery smile at the mention of her ex-husband. "Spill it."

"Girl troubles." He said, hoping she would leave it at that but the subject only seemed to intrigue her more by the way Trish brought her sunglasses up tonger an untainted look of her son. Harm stuck a finger out to stop her before she brought up Renee. "Don't start… I know you didn't really like her for me."

"She was a nice girl but, too...too...uh…_bitchy_."

"Mom!"

She grinned sheepishly. "Well, you picked her and knew what you were getting into. I'm surprised you lasted so long."

"Mac thought so too." Harm snorted. In the last few months it had been eye opening to see how many of their mutual friends disliked Renee. No one thought she was right for him and it was mildly disconcerting that no one mentioned it.

Trish's grin spread into a wide smile. "Now Mac's a lovely, lovely girl. Always polite, sweet…"

He snorted again. "Infuriating, self conscious to a fault."

"She's a very pretty girl."

"That she is."

"And you're desperately in love with her."

Harm had begun to sip the gin and tonic Frank prepared only to spit it out when his mother stated that last fact. He choked on an ice cube for a couple of seconds all the while knowing Triah was sitting there grinning. "Gee thanks for helping your son out while he chokes."

She rolled his eyes, "On melted ice?... Harm, what happened? _Something_ happened and don't tell me no, I'm not taking that for an answer."

Oh, something did happen. Something wonderful and wrong, the perfect balance of Yin and Yang. For a moment he remembered the feeling of being one with Mac, the scent of her perfume mixed with his cologne. The droplets of sweat on her bare back and his hands that grazed over them. "Yeah, _something_ happened and it doesn't matter…It was a mistake."

"You don't believe that if not you wouldn't have spent the last few days skulking around the house like you lost your best friend." Trish moved to the edge of her lounger and pressed a reassuring hand to his forearm. " I'm not gonna pressure you to talk to me but, whatever it is…"

"I love her." He looked away as if his admission was shameful. "I love her and I...she..._we_ did something terrible." How do you tell your mother about an affair when she still hurt over the knowledge that her former husband fathered another woman's child? He would have to tell someone and soon because the guilt had started to weigh on him. "Mom...I don't want you to think less of me or Mac...Things...just happened."

"Darling, you are a wonderful, noble, honorable man...You had an affair with Mac, didn't you?"

He heaved a rough sigh. "I can't call it that. It cheapens…._us…_ She got hurt because of it. I couldn't keep her safe...from _him._ I swore I would and everything, everything just blew up on my face." Carefully, he explained _some_ of what happened leaving out the private details which would only live between Mac and he. "I don't know what to do."

Harm told her about Mic's abuse and his belief he would come to hurt or even kill Sarah if prompted. He spoke about her trip to Indonesia and how he'd almost lost her. Harm ended with his comment about Mac's exs and received a stern look from his mother that made him cringe.

"Harm, you need to speak to her."

He sighed annoyed that Trish was stating the obvious. "I can't. I was more or less ordered to give her some space. That's why I'm out here." It was Chegwidden's decision out of fear that one or both of them would hurt their careers and the best case scenario given how fractured Mac seemed. Harm readily agreed and promised not to cause Mac any type of trouble while she was forced to visit a therapist. Yeah, he knew about the order to see a shrink as well, Chegwidden had been quite concerned about her behavior.

"Call anyway."

"I don't want her more upset with me."

Trish threw her hands up in the air. His comment about Mac's exes was deplorable at best. "Can't say I blame her! I raised you better than that...Okay, send flowers."

Flowers? That didn't go so well last time. "I did she made a show of tossing them, vase and all into a wastebasket at work." It was a little bit humiliating for him, the jet jock who once could get any woman he wanted.

"Chocolates? All women love…"

"Mac is more into Oreos...I bought her a box and she deliberately took them to the break room."

Trish sighed, "I hear a lot of excuses and not much action….I got it!" Excitedly, she stood up, hurried inside the house and returned with various pens along with a small stack of fancy looking paper. "You're going to put down everything you're feeling into letters and mail them to her."

"I did that once." And the letter went missing, although he was touched that she'd carried it around during her time in the Guadalcanal. "Actually, you may be on to something." He sat up, grabbed the drink tray and flipped it over using the smoother back side to place the paper on. "You said _letters." _ He emphasized the 's'.

"I did."

"As in, more than one."

She smiled and then stood up. "I'm going to mix another drink. Frank should be home soon, I think he was grilling salmon tonight." Trish realized then that Harm wasn't listening. His hand moved across the page before him. She wasn't one to pry but the first two sentences made her smile:

_My dearest Sarah,_

_I love you…._

It would take time but, she had a feeling everything would be alright.


	18. Vulnerable

**Thanks for the reviews guys! Not to worry, harm and Mac will fix things soonly... Mac will start to receive Harm's letters. :)**

**CHAPTER 18 - Vulnerable**

"You seem exhausted and, if I may add, much more apprehensive than when you began." Doctor Taylor also noted that Mac was in civvies not her usual Marine Uniform. "You also didn't make it to work today."

Mac sat in her usual chair wearing slacks and a button down blouse, something tasteful but comfy all the same. The circles under her eyes would noy be concealed no matter how many different foundations she tried. "I had leave on the books, decided to take a few days."

Dr. Taylor motioned to the book gripped tightly between the Marine's hands. "Did you manage to get any homework done?"

Mac glanced down at the book and heaved a sigh. Writing was never her _thing_. She preferred the courtroom to the endless amount of paperwork that came with each case. But, this was much different; the words dictated her past, the bumps she'd buried and forgotten. It was cathartic but perhaps the most frightening revelation was learning how badly she needed help.

She swallowed hard, "Yeah. I didn't realize how prolific I could be."

"You never wrote a diary as a child?"

"No. Writing wasn't for me. I liked to draw and paint." She tapped the book and then slid it across the doctor's desk offering it up like a sacrifice. "I didn't realize I had so many things bottled up...and I was right, my problems begin and end with men." She said the last words with disgust and then slammed back into the chair. "It makes me feel pathetic."

Dr. Taylor quickly flipped through the book surprised at how many pages were filled. She knew this likely took her patient the whole weekend to pen down and realized exactly where Mac's exhaustion came from. "You had a lot to write about."

"Some things we already discussed, others...It...it starts where we left off, of course. I originally labeled it _'How I murdered my husband'_ but that sounded terribly stupid and its something much more complicated than that. I mean, I did murder him and...and, I'm rambling." Mac caught herself as the words flew out of her mouth without much thought or pause. It was a testament to how much writing had shaken her. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize, it's a heavy subject. I'll admit, it left me rather curious."

"Well, it's all there..._everything_." Mac passively motioned to the book, expecting that the homework was a way for the doctor to glimpse at her past in its totality. She figured there would be notes from the doctor or lengthy conversations about how to make things better. "Even the parts I wanted to forget are there... You can read about it."

Dr. Taylor shook her head. "No, Colonel." She taped the journal and then slid it to the end of the desk closest to Mac. "This isn't for me to read, its for you to remember and open up...So about that 'stupid' subject...why do you think you murdered your husband?"

Mac snorted at the question but then, it was a topic that was clearly hard to get a handle on. It sounded absurd even to her. "Because I did...Chris had been following me for years only I didn't know. I put all of that behind me, all of it, determined to turn my life around. And I did." By the time she arrived at Okinawa under the command of Farrow, Mac had shiny officer's insignia on her uniform. He had been a breath of fresh air, a man who valued her self worth and treated her with the respect due an officer when many others saw her as just a skirt masquerading as a Marine. Thinking back, Mac realized one key detail: if he really respected her, Farrow would have kept his distance. "I didn't intend to have that kind of relationship...it happened."

"Did he force yourself on you?"

Mac shook her head. "God no. Not at all… He didn't abuse his power and nothing ever happened on base. We bumped into each other at a restaurant...We kissed and things evolved. He was kind to me. We both needed something at that time." She didn't think about Chris anymore either. "Someone reported the impropriety and I find out, years later, that it was my Husband."

"How did he find you?"

"As much as I was upset with my father, I wrote to him then, told him where I was stationed." That was the only way Ragle would have known of Mac's whereabouts. "He found me, intended to get back together...But when he saw John and me...I am lucky I have my career still. John was reprimanded...I got off easy."

Too easy and with a future which led her down a path to JAG. "He recommended me for law school...Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough or if our..._affair_ gave me an unfair advantage."

It was one of those things which plagued Mac at her most loneliest - the self-deprecating thoughts of self worth.

"Colonel, you are a highly regarded member of the JAG Corps working at a coveted spot. If you weren't _good enough_ you wouldn't have made it this far."

"Fair point but, I didn't make it here on my own."

Dr. Taylor turned and pointed to the diploma behind her. "I disliked psychology. I wanted to be a veterinarian until my brother shot himself due to a mental illness. We all get guided in life and some of us are lucky to find our way. I don't regret my career choice, do you?"

"No." She didn't. It saved her and brought so many special people into her life. "I'm sorry about your brother."

"Thank you...Now, I know it's a terrible conversation but, let's talk about your husband's death. You said you killed him. From the look in your eyes, it's not a facetious comment."

Mac shook her head. "It happened...I'm still confused and how it all went down...Why he bothered coming back… I guess I never really told him we were through." She ran, that was her modus operandi, the same thing that she'd accused Harm of doing - Mac felt like a hypocrite. "At first, it was money. A loan shark was collecting and I gave up my savings because…"

"Because?"

She took a breath and let it out slowly, still unsure why she would do such a thing. It was all that she'd scraped together by being frugal and avoiding impulse buys. A downpayment that she was trying to build to eventually buy a house and have that equity for the future and she gave it all up to someone that wasn't exactly deserving. "Because I loved him once, or thought I did...I stupidly felt indebted. Chris had this, magic over me and the moment he shows up it felt like being a teenager again."

"You never forget your first."

"No, you don't." And for old times sake she'd let him stay over, relegating him to the couch and making sure her bedroom door was closed. She wouldn't lay with him no matter what the odds were especially since Mac knew her heart belonged to a certain Naval Lt. Commander. "When I realized it was about the money, I gave it to him hoping he'd disappear and leave me alone. My life was going well and I could see him ruining me. I hoped he would leave me alone." But he didn't and for the briefest of moments the stoic Marine faltered, reverting back to Sarah, the weak woman. "He didn't."

Chris was still attractive, still had a kind of charisma that would have lured in a younger Mac. He was charming in a way but, she had the mindset to never become involved with him again and made that clear. She went to Harm, needing help, advice and a shoulder to cry on. Mac knew he would likely be upset by the news of her marriage, the lack of her telling him that deep secret but, when she went to his apartment a certain Congresswoman was there.

It hurt to see him occupied with another woman, the dinner he was making while dressed a little too nice for a simple tete-a-tete with Bobbi. She saw the flowers, the candlelit table and heard the soft music in the background. It was a scene set to seduce, not that Bobbi needed any help in that department. Mac was sure Harm understood her feelings and held back for the same reason she did. Seeing him with Bobbi crushed whatever hopes she had and so Mac stupidly went to Farrow instead of insisting on speaking to Harm.

In a way it was likely for the best to save Harm from the mess she'd thrown Farrow into. He was far too hot headed - a man of action - and could see him doing something stupid to protect her like he'd done a year earlier.

Dr. Taylor noticed Mac was now breathing slightly off each exhale coming on a shaky rush of air from her lungs. "It's okay, Colonel...breathe slowly."

"I went to my partner for help when I saw Chris wouldn't leave. I needed him, needed advice."

"Why go to your partner?"

Because, at one point, they would have done anything for one another. "Because I trusted him with my life. But, Harm was busy and I was desperate."

"And who did you go to for help?"

Mac sighed, that was where things got complicated. She likely should have called the authorities but, the Marine inside of her needed to work things out on her own. The woman inside of her needed to forget her marriage or the fact that they never divorced. "I stupidly went to John and made things worse… He felt the need to defend my honor, I guess."

She thought back to that night, meeting Ragle at his hotel was her stupidest mistake. She should have found a public space, an area he wouldn't have made a scene and be done with it.

"He had a gun, forced me to take it in my hand and point it at his chest." Mac laughed without feeling at the melodrama of it all, the man who would rather die than see her with another. "He threatened my life, my future family's lives. Said I'd have to kill him before he stopped coming after me."

This was the second time a man was so obsessed with her it ended in death. Maybe Harm was right in his off color comment? "I dropped the pistol on the bed and he took it...I'm...I can't remember how exactly it happened but, the gun was between us and then it went off. It took me a while to realize I had pulled the trigger, for a moment, I thought I had been shot but no… It was Chris and he was dead."

"What did you feel when he passed?"

"Relief." Even as she'd detailed the story in her journal, Mac felt a wave of sadness crash over. Not over Ragle's death but the fact that it didn't bother her as much as it should have. "So relieved and then scared because I knew I would be arrested until it was sorted out."

She felt a bit of disgust that her future as a Marine was in jeapordy and that mattered more than someone's life. But then, she knew what Chris was capable of, the lengths he would go to see his projects through. She loved him once when a young Sarah didn't know better. "DC Police gave the case over to JAG deciding it was best to be handled internally. I purjered myself during my trial. I knew better...And I turned into every lying sack of shit client I've ever had." And it was all for a stupid reason, to save John's career when telling the truth would have done just the same. Their affair had happened too long ago to matter and yet, she'd created this convoluted story which made Harm's defense impossible. Thankfully, he had her back then, searching for witnesses who would shed light on the shooting. He saved her again but, at an expensive cost. "I think...no, no...I _know_ that's when things between Harm and me began to fall apart."

"Harm? I think you mentioned that name a time or two in the first session…"

"My partner at JAG." Of course she would bring him up because for the last six years everything in her life seemed to revolve around him. "You can't speak much about my life without him coming up."

"If he's important to you, that's understandable."

"He's _the one." _Mac gasped at her admission and then laughed at how much that statement sounded like something out of a romance novel. It was the truth after all, he was everything to her and so much more. "Yeah, he's the one I want to be with..We had this...this..._chemistry_. I've never felt anything like it. All consuming, magical… _special..._ and I thought. I _believed _he felt the same…" Mac figured they were heading there after that first trip to Russia. They were spending so much time together outside of work. Weekend runs, coffee shop dates on Sundays and the occasional touring of DC.. They'd become closer than friends without breaching an unspoken, invisible line.

"From the sounds of things, you aren't together anymore."

"We never really were and I'm not sure what we are at the moment." Mac knew what she wanted but it was difficult for her to forget the comment he made to Sturgis. Shr was also fighting her own insecurity, what their friends would think if they knew why her relationship with Mic really crashed and burned. "He's the one I had the affair with...God, I _hate_ calling it that. It makes it sound so..._cheap_ and wrong and..."

"What other word would you like to use? Affair doesn't have to be a nasty word you know?"

Angrily, Mac brushed away a tear that suddenly fell. How did that song go? _If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right. _ "I don't know. I've been trying to find a word to define it and, there just isn't any. I also don't know why he waited so long. He waits until I'm unavailable and then gets this… this jealousy. He had his chance to stop me...He says that he loves me and I don't know… I am so scared to give in and find out I am not who he really wants."

"The fact that you don't want to call it an affair tells me that it meant something. The fact that he says he loves you is something worth looking into, taking a chance."

"With Harm it's all or nothing… and I don't want to be forced into anything."

"Did Harm force you?"

"No! He would never.. it's me and my roller coaster of emotions." What she wanted most was to be with him and now that he was so close it was frightening that she would just give in. "I want to be with him but I hate what that makes me."

"And what is that?"

"Vulnerable."


	19. White Noise

**Chapter 19 - White Noise**

**Two Weeks Later**

Mac stared down at the ornate piece of paper in her hands, fancy with equally fancy writing sprawled across the pristine card stock. Embossed in silver ink was the typical rhetoric about upcoming nuptials, the prose that was almost nauseating. She normally enjoyed weddings especially when they were for someone she cared for - it gave Mac hope that one day she'd be the one walking down the aisle. She'd been so close and yet, that dream vanished due to the love she held for someone else and the subsequent events that pushed her life over the edge.

She blinked once and it was as if her body was dropped inside a rustic church with high ceilings held by dark wooden beams. It was quaint and the congregation of well wishers had filled the pews leaving her no room to sit and so she stood in the far back like a stalker in the shadows. Once again, she looked down at the invitation in her hands and felt a squeeze over her heart that almost threatened it to stop.

_You are cordially invited to the union of_

_Commander Harmon Rabb Jr, USN_

_And..._

The bride's name was obscured but that really didn't matter - she was losing him. "_I never imagined myself celebrating your marriage."_ Those words echoed in her ears like a taunt from the fates that were ensuring she'd never be happy. When her head snapped up and her eyes focused on the happy couple, she missed the chance to object, to tell him that she still loved him, always would.

Harm wore his dress whites and the glimmer of his gold wings pierced her eyes like a laser beam, blinding her for a brief moment so that when he walked down the aisle with his new bride she couldn't see the woman. But, Mac did see his expression, his face turning to stone when he noticed her. Harm seemed disgusted that she was there and as quickly as he'd noticed her, he turned his attention back to the blonde at his side, kissing her with a kind of fervor that was much too inappropriate for a church wedding. "We're through." He then spat at her with much of the same steely hatred she afforded him.

"Harm, no! I'm getting help.. I'm getting better! Harm!" She yelled but, it was as if he couldn't hear the words - he continued moving forward with his new bride. "I love you!"

* * *

The coffee was particularly weak today, Mac thought as she looked into the dark depths and felt her eyes cross from the sheer exhaustion. Why the hell didn't anyone tell her that therapy was _this _exhausting or that it would contribute more to her already ongoing bout with insomnia. "I had a dream...Nightmare, really."

"If you're bringing it up, it has to have something to do with our sessions." After the first week, Dr. Taylor had reduced them to once a week with a follow up therapy if needed. Mac had made some strides, admitting things of her past she hadn't realized still manipulated her thoughts. They discussed Mac's relationship with Mic Brumby at length and through the journal Mac realized many details she'd but omitted from her memory.

Mic Brumby was not a good man. She realized it now as little snippets of their life together scribbled onto the pages of her journal. To start, the way he pursued her was downright harassment. Had it been another man, she would have written him up on charges and yet, the pain of losing Harm to a carrier group had made her vulnerable to the unwanted attention. Harm was right, Mic was like a dog on her scent, unrelenting until he wore her down. The proposal in Australia was a last ditch effort and she'd complied because her heart had been broken and needed mending. He'd guilted her into moving into her apartment by threatening to leave.

That was when the real problems started. Mic didn't need to be physical, he mastered the way to make her mailable. He put her down like her father did and then built her back up with a word or flowers or dinner. He cajoled and she readily gave in because she didn't want to be alone. Mac allowed his drinking, ignored his attempts to get her to drink. At their most intimate she often didn't want him and Mic always found a way. It wasn't rape because she complied but it was only after he'd slipped a hand under her underwear in an effort to arouse her. Mac allowed that too because...because what she had was better than nothing and who she wanted didn't want her.

He never hit her until _that_ day but, Mic wasn't always gentle either. He'd grabbed her arm too roughly a time or three and she just let it happen. Perhaps because Deanne MacKenzie had groomed Mac to be abused just like her.

She wrote about Harm in length, the honorable man who had insecurities just like her. That was when the nightmares started. "Harm was marrying someone else, told me we were through." The same words she'd said to him weeks earlier when she'd caught the tail end of his conversation with Sturgis. "I told him I loved him and he just… he wouldn't talk to me."

"What do you think prompted this?"

Mac reached into her purse and produced a letter addressed to her and originating from an H. Rabb in San Diego. It was still sealed as she made no intent to open it. The letter merely sat on her coffee table in the apartment along with two other ones from the same sender. "I'm scared to open them."

Dr. Taylor took the letter which Mac slid to the center of the desk. "_Them?_ More than one?"

"He sent three." And she hadn't checked her mailbox to see if there were more. "I can't open it or any of them."

"You're scared he wants to leave you."

"Were not together, remember?" Mac's defensive mechanism shot back up and she folded her arms across her chest.

Every time the Marine made progress, the insecurity would show again, halting any forward progress. "So you said but everything we spoke about makes it sound like you should be… Nothing seems to be standing in the way but yourself."

"That's easy for you to say but, my past dictates I may not be good enough for him. With Harm and me there's always been complications, other women, and if things went bad our careers could take a hit. It's terrifying to give up everything and just…"

"And if things went well you can't be married and serve under the same chain of command."

Mac frowned. That had been an obstacle as well but it was more than that, so much more. "I'm not _her_...I'm not Diane."

"Diane?"

The realization that another woman still caused her such distress made Mac angry. She'd written pages and pages into thr journal about the things she'd learned about Diane Schonke. Days after Harm had gone after Holbarth, she'd scoured Navy computers for more information, a glimpse of the woman with her likeness.

She saw Diane's service record, the accolades and awards. The accelerated promotions as she was one of the first successful women in crypto. Mac had her own success but, Diane and Harm had a history. Which is why it was likely easy for him to flirt and pretend. "Harm never seemed to care that I was interested in him but, he flirted anyway...flirting, innuendos, all tasteful, nothing crude but it was a push and pull. Fun, uncomplicated until I realized I'd always be second best to Diane."

"An old flame or a current one?"

It was unfair for both her and him. For a time Mac even investigated herself, checking back to see if there had been a mistake. What if she had a twin? "Diane was a woman he was involved with since Annapolis although from what he explained to me, he was more infatuated than in love but, he didn't notice it at the time."

"Let me guess, she didn't like your involvement with Harm?"

"She's dead... Died just a few months before he and I met...And she looks like me..or I look like her."

The doctor's expression changed. Normally it was unreadable and now she sat slightly concerned. "Doppelganger?"

"In a way although we have a few differences but we could be twins...Sadly, Diane was murdered while in port...Unbeknownst to him, Harm was assigned to the case..it took him three years to hunt down her killer and once he did Harm was hell bent on revenge. I followed him out to Norfolk and stopped him from shooting Diane's killer."

Dr. Taylor was impressed. "You saved his life. Although justifiable, he would have been locked up for murder."

"It was then when I really saw how far he would go for those he cared for." It took days for Harm to snap out of the shock of it all. He was a mess for sometime, took leave and disappeared for a few days. "He eventually thanked me although it took a couple of weeks for him to warm up to me and see _me_ again, not _her_." At the inception of their partnership the way he would look at her was unnerving. He sometimes wouldn't see her and it hurt. "I sometimes still wonder if that's who he sees when he looks at me."

"Have you asked him?"

"Yes and he says he doesn't...Sometimes, I wonder."

"Understandable but if that is all Harm was after, the two of you would not have been close for this long. Surely there were differences in personality and…"

"What if I'm second best?.. The consolation prize because who he wants most is gone?"

"What if he really just wants you?"

"If she were alive…"

"But she's not…

Mac just couldn't forget that look in his eyes, the devastation when he stepped away from their kiss at the docks in Norfolk. '_I know. You were kissing her.' _He didn't deny it either, just stared at her for a moment with a blank expression of regret and loss. For some reason, she would never get that image out of her head. "What if he's just trying to settle?"

Dr. Taylor sighed deeply. "A man who is trying to settle wouldn't have taken so long to be with you."

"Doc.. "

"Colonel...I understand your insecurities but, from what I've gathered, you're one hell of a catch."

"Then why aren't we together?" Mac practically yelled when her frustration was just too hard to deny any longer. She wiped the tears that fell and then finally dropped her face to her hands and sobbed. "Why am I always alone?"

"Because you choose to be. You find the wrong ones to insure a break up. When the good one comes along you allow your own insecurity to dictate your choices." Dr. Taylor stood and rounded her desk. She settled into the seat next to Mac and placed a hand on the Marine's shoulder. "I'm giving you extra homework besides journaling...Read his letters, _all_ of them."

"Okay." Mac glanced at the envelope sitting on the edge of the desk and felt that apprehension again. She was terrified of what words were sprawled across those letters and halfheartedly reached out for the envelope, stopping when memories of smoke and mortars took her back several weeks. The last letter he'd given her was still missing and the reason for it tore her up inside. "I lost the last letter he wrote me."

Mac left the envelope on the corner of the desk and rested her elbows on her knees. "I left...I begged for a transfer out of Washington for a bit. I needed some space between us and it took me to the Indian Ocean and eventually to Indonesia."

"There's quite a lot of unrest there."

"Yes. I was at the consulate which was overrun by an angry mob. By some misfortune I was the highest ranking officer and was left in charge... We managed to get everyone out but it was this little girl, a local, who really saved us...Got us out to a school where we could safely wait for the helicopters." She remembered opening his letter, reading it over and gathering strength from his words. "I had been carrying his letter and didn't realize I'd dropped it...Lilliana found it, rushed out to give it back to me amidst fire and chaos...I don't know what happened to her. No one does."

"Colonel, that wasn't your fault."

"I left her behind." She brushed away a tear and sighed. Several times a week she would call Captain Jerot it just never netted a positive response. At her most desperate she even offered him her engagement ring which seemed to pique his interest.

"And likely saved others."

"Yes but, it's not what we do. She trusted me, counted on me. She's possibly dead over a letter. A letter I had on me just to have a piece of him with me at all times…"

Dr. Taylor frowned. She understood the sad link her patient was starting to put together and how it fell with the fact that she'd been manipulated by so many others before. "That piece of paper holds no power over you. It's not magic."

"Then why read them at all? It won't change things."

"Because you need to know where you two stand. And what you really want. Not every man in your life is trying to manipulate you. Read the letters, Colonel. I think everything you want to know will be in them."

"And if the answers aren't there?"

"Then it's time to move on."

* * *

Upon entering her apartment, Mac made a beeline for the bathroom. She ran a bath, stripped down to her underwear and procured a few scented candles to line the edge of the tub. After fetching tonic water and squeezing a lime she returned to the bathroom with his letters in hand. There had indeed been another letter waiting and that sense of apprehension made her almost dizzy. She stripped down and slid into the tub letting the hot water soothe her body and the scented candles ease her mind.

"What is wrong with me?" She said, staring at the letters as if they would bite. It was just words, Harm's words which made all of the difference in the World. Mac took a sip of the tonic water pretending it was something stronger that would help her build the courage to unseal the first envelope. She'd organized them on the towel which sat on top of the closed toilet, all in the order in which she received them figuring there had to have been some sort of method to this sudden want to write her.

With an unsteady hand, she reached out for the first one and tore open a corner so that she could slide the paper out. It was neatly folded in three on paper that was rather nice for a run of the mill kind of letter. She pulled open each side noticing that it wasn't long but it began with an endearment:

_My Dearest Sarah._

Sarah? He rarely ever called her that and could count with one hand the many times that he did. Her name sounded lovely coming from his lips. Sighing, her eyes dropped to the words which followed that only served to stop her heart and kick start it into an irregular beat:

_My dearest Sarah,_

_I love you. I. Love. You._

_That's one way to start this off, the only thing I hope will make you read this and not just toss it into the trash like those flowers. I'm sorry for what I said but pretending I didn't mean the words would be a lie. I meant them because I guess I feel that way. I never seem to know what to do when it comes to you or what to say or where I stand. _

_I regret not protecting you from him. That bastard was not deserving of you. I didn't regret that night, I never will because it got us closer than I ever dreamed._

_I know you need some time and while I'm stuck in California, I've decided to write you some letters - okay, mom gave me the idea - she thinks you're a lovely girl and if you were here, her matchmaking skills would be in full swing._

_I miss you and I need to make it right. Tell me what to do. If you need more space, you'll have it. Just tell me what to do. Please._

_Love,_

_Harm._

Mac swiped at the tear in her eye and cursed herself for the fearful thoughts once playing in her head. Eagerly, she tore open the next envelope and pulled open his next letter also sprawled across paper that was much too fancy for Harm. She grinned, this was clearly his mother's doing.

_Dearest Mac,_

Ah, so it was no longer Sarah, now he was back to her nickname but, then that was how she introduced herself to him and it was probably who she was in his eyes. She laughed, practically hearing his voice as she continued to read and that insecurity of his, the bumbling that was uniquely sweet shone through.

_Yeah, back to Mac._

_After that last stupid letter I guess you prefer Mac. I apologize if it sounded desperate or stupid. You tend to jumble my thoughts sometimes. I literally tried to pull it out of the mailbox only to be caught by the mailman. It was an odd conversation that nearly got me in trouble for tampering with the US Postal Service. I'm not joking, the mailman was livid. I hope you have a laugh at my expense. _

_Today I did something else that was silly; I climbed up to the roof of mom and Frank's house. Not sure why but, it was something I did in my early and mid-teens when my anger for mom and Frank would rage. I would watch the sunsets up here - yes, up here because I'm writing this letter on the roof watching a storm out over the ocean. _

_I forgot how peaceful it is. You need to come here one day with me. Maybe even climb this roof too. You don't have to say anything just sit by me. _

_Love,_

_Harm._


	20. Love Letters

This one feels like a bit of a filler chapter for me. But, I do like the convo with Sturgis. I hated that the "I'm in love with him" never went anywhere on the show, it was so pointless to have him be so nosy for what?

I am also not a fan of Diane. I wrote her badly in another story and that keeps on here. I kinda see Harm being infatuated with her and she strings him along.  
Next chappie H and M will bump into each other out of work when he returns.

_**CHAPTER 20 - Love Letters**_

Mac lay in bed eyeing the two letters she had yet to read. After pulling herself out of the tub she'd decided to set those aside as if it were a game to see how long she could go before curiosity set in. It hadn't taken her long to drop into the mattress and tear open the ledge of the next envelope. There was his endearment again but the rest of the words made that apprehension set in again. It was bound to happen, at some point they had to talk about _that_ night again. That was when everything began to spiral.

_Dearest Mac,_

_I woke up thinking about that night. And I want to ask for your forgiveness again. I should have stopped you from going back to him. I should have walked into Chegwidden's home with you and confessed that I loved you._

_What would come next, I don't know. I've thought about it over and over and I just don't know. Would I be with you? Would I lose you anyway? I thought I could fix things if I had the time to think about how to free you from the engagement. I was sure I could figure it out but, I failed you. And all I had left was the memory of that night. _

_I can still remember every second which felt like time stood still. _

_On another note, I went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. Everything is in working order and ready for take off if you get my drift. _

_When we ever...If we ever...it needs to be on a big, soft bed. I want to feel you moving beneath me and I want to see you. I couldn't really see you well that night. I want to run my hands over your skin, please you like no one has. I want to hear you call my name, make those soft sounds when I move over you. _

_Please don't think it's only about sex. If it were we'd have done the deed and gotten it over with years ago. It's something I can't put into words._

_I've always found you attractive. Sexy. Beautiful. I knew I had feelings for you, I knew they were growing. And I didn't know what to do. The day you put his ring on your left hand I felt desperate. I wanted to tell you to stop. I wanted to tell you so much I just didn't know how. I didn't want to ruin your happiness for mine. _

_I don't regret kissing you. I don't regret loving you. I regret the location, you deserved more than that. I regret the outcome, you leaving and my insecure words. I regret spending more time without you. I miss you._

_Love,_

_Harm._

Some of the letter made her blush as she often wondered what it would feel like to be beneath him when they made love. The hard planes of his body pressing and sliding over her softer curves. The sweat on his skin from the strain of holding back until she came. Mac wasn't sure but she figured he'd be the kind of guy that would make sure a woman was pleased before he was. That need to control things, to be his best would force it to be that way. As would his passion for living.

Sighing, she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She didn't want that letter to turn her on but it did anyway. He wanted her, admitted it and dammit she wanted him too. "Oh, Harm."

Deftly she reached for the last letter. This one had a lighter tone not the plea from a man she knew loved her.

_My dearest Mac or Sarah,_

_What do you prefer to be called? You introduced yourself to me as Mac and that's who you've always been. Mic called you Sarah. I'm sorry to bring him up but, he did. To me, you're Mac._

_I can count the few times I've called you Sarah. Such a pretty name. But, you're Mac to me, I think you always will be. I hope that is okay and no it doesn't mean my feelings for you will change. Mac and Sarah are one in the same. I love both, equally._

_Please don't call me Harmon. I guess you have a time or two in order to admonish me. Mom does the same. No! I am not comparing you to my mother. Harmon. It's my father's name and while I am proud we share it, it makes me feel old. I get enough of that pappy crap whenever I fly no matter how much I prove. _

_My last letter was a little heavy, so I'm going to try and keep this one light._

_I went surfing today. Not sure if I ever told you that I could. It's a California guy thing and absolutely exhilarating. Not as much as going supersonic but it's a rush. But damn, I'm rusty! Took quite a few tries to not fall off. I had a blast! Met up with an old friend from Annapolis who left the Navy to become a surfing instructor. Yes, you read that right! He has his own school and really enjoys it, and doesn't miss the Navy either._

_I'm not sure I could ever feel that way about the military but, it was interesting for sure. Anyway, I hope you're reading these and I'm not making a fool out of myself for no reason._

_If you haven't noticed, you tie me in knots. Not sure why that is but, you do. It's nerve wracking and I kind of like it._

_I hope you're alright. I really want you to be. I miss you. I'm not sure I can say that enough. I miss you. And, in case you need reminding, I love you. _

_Funny how I can put those words in a letter but telling you in person took all of me. I hope these serve a purpose and that I'm not making an idiot of myself._

_Love, _

_Harm._

"Good morning, Colonel." Sturgis turner smiled at his new coworker noting that for the first time in weeks, the Marine was actually smiling. There was a little less tension in the office that day which offered him some relief and allowed him not to walk on eggshells around the woman. It seemed that any mention of her partner seemed to make her uneasy and he wondered for the millionth time what had happened between them.

Of course, Sarah MacKenzie was a beautiful woman in her own right and his friend was never immune to such beauty. But, the fact that she shared such an uncanny resemblance to an old friend was incredibly unsettling. Unbeknownst to Mac, he'd kept in touch with Harm in the last few weeks although much of the same conversations would spring up: sports, cars and every possible deviation when Sturgis tried to bring up Mac.

It wasn't in his nature to be so intrusive. He'd been brought up better than that but, Sturgis recalled too well the past and that one woman who seemed to want to only toy with Harmon Rabb Jr. He frowned when he thought about Diane Schonke. Her death was quite the tragedy but, why it happened was of no surprise to Sturgis given the way she endlessly flirted with Harm until he all about lost his spot in the academy over her.

During his first few days at JAG he saw the interaction between Harm and Mac, saw how his friend seemed to fall into the same pit and it troubled him. "You look cheerful this morning, Colonel. Well rested as well."

Mac smiled. It was genuine and eased more tension which was a good sign in Sturgis' opinion. "Good morning, Commander. Yeah, I got some much needed sleep. I have bouts of insomnia from time to time. I think I'm a little better now."

"A package came for you. I put it in your office." He motioned to the rather large white box placed on top of her desk and grinned. "Postmark says La Jolla."

"Does it now?" She pushed open her door, flipped on the light and glanced at the package. There wasn't any sender name sprawled across but she knew who had sent it and her stomach did a few flip flops as she tried to imagine what was inside. Carefully she took the box and set it atop of a filing cabinet to the annoyance of one Sturigs Turner who was now standing with his arms folded across his chest.

"You're not going to open it?"

"Not now, no." Definitely not with an audience.

He shifted back and forth and decided to pry a little more. "Harm's in San Diego isn't he? His folks live in La Jolla."

That was all it took for Mac's cheerful demeanor to cease and any friendliness she wished to offer was now full of irritation. Sturgis had been poking around for weeks but the subtle way was easy to brush off. Now, his comment made her turn to face him full on with a look that could kill. "I have no idea where Commander Rabb is, Sturgis. I am not his keeper nor is he mine." That was a blatant lie because the very thing Mac feared was coming to life - the questions about her and Harm that would undoubtedly lead to questions about Mic.

She had done a good job at avoiding the subject of her failed marriage. Harriet had asked a time or too and wisely realized it wasn't a conversation that was meant to be had. Bud too had asked about Brumby but a stern answer from Mac was all that was needed for him never to bring up the Australian. The worry that their friends would learn why it all came to an end was always at the forefront of her mind. She loved Harm, yes but it was still shameful when she was the first person advocating so hard about propriety. Sturgis was either immune to her wrath or suicidal.

"Oh, c'mon Mac. I know there's something between the two of you and I know it's kind of rocky at the moment."

"Stop it." She brushed by him in a fury, practically slamming her door shut so that passerby's would not hear the impending conversation.. "What is it to you? What do you think you know or believe you can accomplish by _pissing me off_, Commander?" Although her voice didn't boom like that of a drill instructor, the Marine in her showed through making Sturgis practically cower.

"I spoke to Harm yesterday. He told me to say hi." He tried a different tactic.

"Hi? That's nice."

"Just _nice? _That's it? I thought.. I mean." Defeated, Sturgis sagged into one of her guest chairs, shoulders slumped at the war he knew he was about to enter. He should have stayed away, should have minded his own business but, a good friend wouldn't do that. A good friend wouldn't let someone fall into another trap which he believed was happening with Harm when it came to Mac. "There's a certain _tension_ between the two of you."

"Some."

"A lot."

Mac sighed. She'd been avoiding this conversation for weeks and had done a good enough job of steering him clear until now. Like Harm's letters, this was something else she needed to face head on if she were to have a little peace at work. She slid into her own chair and glared at the nosy bubblehead. "My relationship or lack thereof with Commander Rabb is none of your business. You've been here for two seconds and you're already passing judgement on me?"

"I'm not passing…"

"You are. I can see it when you look at me like I'm some pariah and I fail to see what I did to you that was so egregious. Me and Harm, we're complicated more than you could ever imagine. He's my closest friend and we're going through a rough patch which is none of your business. I've had enough judgement passed on me by him and I don't need that from you too."

Sturgis noted her eyes, the sadness that was not there one moment ago and now manifested itself. He softened his tone hoping she could understand that this wasn't just mere nosiness from his part. There was a reason and she needed to know things that Harm likely hadn't shared. "I'm not passing judgement… Harm's a friend, a good friend. He was the first one that took me into their little group at the Academy… I'm a preacher's kid and came off like a bit of an ass."

"Harm's a big boy, Sturgis. Pretty sure he can take care of himself."

"You look like her." He said suddenly, swallowing hard when Mac's eyes snapped to his in shock. "Diane. You look so much like her."

"Sturgis, please don't. I know who she is and I know about her death. It shook him badly."

"Diane hurt him, Mac… Bad. He was infatuated with her and she used that to toy with him. They were on again and off again. She broke up with him more than once and the last time he nearly left the Academy over it."

No. She knew that story, how Harm had walked out because the school work was too much for him. Keeter brought him back and it was a debt that Harm eventually repaid. "Harm said he couldn't hack the coursework and Keeter brought him back." He didn't mention Diane's involvement only that the curriculum had begun to wear him down as did his insecurities at not being as good as his father. Mac never thought to ask Keeter if the story was any different.

"It wasn't the classes, Mac. It was _her._" Sturgis remembered how Harm was smitten by the pretty brunette who more or less had every male at Annapolis hounding after her. She was smart, driven and only had eyes for Harm until one day. "Diane had him all upside down...Given their career paths the likelihood of seeing each other after the Academy was slim. Harm fell hard for her, like a rock. Followed her around like a lovesick puppy until she broke it off. He was a mess for a while. Thankfully Keeter found him before he ruined his chances and we forced him to concentrate on classes again and not Diane."

"He made it sound like it was much more serious than that… Told me once they were supposed to discuss their future." And Mac couldn't help but feel jealous about that.

"She would have told him no."

"He loved her."

"No. He didn't, not really. He was in love with the idea of having a relationship like his parents. He didn't love Diane but, I think he loves you. It's for real this time." Sturgis sighed envisioning his friend falling again and being hurt just as bad. "I was only around the two of you for a few as but, the way Harm looks at you...That comment about your exs it was just Harm being Harm, hiding his insecurity."

"Why are you telling me this?"

He leaned forward. "Because I owe him. Harm saved my life once." Sturgis had his own fall from Grace, the Preacher's son who was tired of living life in a straight line. He wavered once, drank too much at one of the watering holes near the Academy and stumbled out drunk into the night nearly getting hit by a car if Harm hadn't pushed him out of the way.

"He's good at that isn't he?" Superman without the supernatural powers or that red cape. "I care for him more than I can tell you, Sturgis...I'm in love with him."

"Tell him."

"He knows. I'm just not sure what comes next or if we can stay together." Mac shrugged, there was still more soul searching to do. More problems she needed to fix before she would willingly give herself to him. It made her ache inside and she wasn't sure what to do about it. She feared getting together only to have them break apart.

"Sometimes things don't have to be so complicated. You know?" He stood up and headed towards the door pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "I'm sure you have a ton of obstacles in the way but, some rules can be bent. I'll return after lunch with the Stutter case. I'm going to need to pick your brain on it."

Mac nodded. "Fine just no more matchmaking for today, okay?"

"I make no promises." He grinned and finally stepped out of her office. 

* * *

The white box had haunted her all day piquing her curiosity more times than she could count. Mac hesitated on cracking it open until the last person had left JAG for the day and she was alone. SHe could have closed the blinds, locked the doors and remained in the sanctuary of her office in relative privacy but, someone would interrupt, she knew.

Carefully, he brought the box down and placed it in the very center noting that it really had arrived from La Jolla. She sighed and took a letter opener to cut the tape off and then looked inside. "Oh God." The content made her laugh as she pulled out a blue plushie Brachiosaurus.

She sat the stuffed dino on her desk and looked at it for a moment. It was clearly picked from a children's section but, so very adorable. There was also a note attached to his collar with her name sprawled across the envelope in his handwriting.

_Dearest Mac,_

_I went to the museum with mom and spotted this little guy. It's probably not the one you have at home but, something made me buy it. I think you need something to keep you company especially with Jingo at Chloe's. _

_I'm coming home soon so I guess we'll see each other at work. I'll keep my distance, I promise. I'll keep my distance until you say it's okay._

_I miss you though. Our talks over cases. The runs at Rock Creek Park. I miss you calling me to fix your plumbing or change the oil on your Vette. I miss those simple times that we messed up. I think we can get it back. I want to try._

_Love,_

_Harm_


	21. Kaffe

**Chapter 21 - Kaffe**

Harm wouldn't normally venture into Georgetown but his barber had changed locations which prompted him to head into that part of town. It was a pleasant morning to walk past the quaint storefronts and make a stop at the small coffee shop Mac was always raving about.

Of course he would bump into her especially when he was trying not to. It was just one of those things. As much as he tried to shrink his frame into his seat, eventually she would notice him.

He was seated at a small table in a corner leafing through pages of a sports magazine when she walked in. The air changed around him becoming magnetically charged and heavy . It gave Harm the sudden urge to bolt before she noticed him but, a small line had formed blocking his escape route. Instead he sat still using his hand to partially cover his face.

The freckled faced boy behind the register lit up when she appeared and was clearly enamored by the way he stared. "Hey there pretty Colonel, the Heyal?"

_Oh please. _Harm rolled his eyes and watched with interest as the young barista made a show of preparing whatever mapp frappa lappa concoction Mac had ordered. He was babbling about something or other and making her laugh which made a stab of jealousy flash through him.

She seemed a little happier and her appearance had changed. The hair which had been shoulder length when he left to California three weeks prior was now shorter cut to a bob with auburn highlights. Her hairhwas held back with sunglasssunand some of the strands came lose falling to the aides of her face. Mac wore jeans, the loose fitting kind that were well worn but still hugged certain curves with a white t-shirt covered by a light leather jacket. Damnit, she was so beautiful.

Mac too had felt that electric charge upon entering and it only grew the longer she waited for her order. It made her search the shop for him and once her eyes met Harm's her heart began to hammer out a rough staccato.

Harm nearly cchokedhis coffee, the liquif was now sliding roughly down the back of his throat almost lainfully. He figured she would have turned on her heel and stalked off but, instead she flashed him a soft smile and walked in his dirrction. He could only raise his hands up in defense and babble. "I swear, I'm not following you...I didn't know you'd be here...My barber switched and…"

"Harm. It's okay." She waved off his explanation. "It's a good coffee shop. Syd is a great barista."

"Syd is also enamored with you." He pointed out.

"Jealous?"

More than she could ever imagine. Harm nervously pointed at the seat across from him. "Would you uh...like to join me? You don't have to. I said I'd give you space."

As Mac glanced at the empty seat the war within her began. She wanted so much to spend time with him and repair what had been broken but, there was so much uncertainty. His letters kept her grounded somewhat and she would read them over and over every night until she fell asleep. It was the action behind those words which made her falter.

"You know? It's okay, Mac. I'll see you on Monday."

Beneath the magazine he'd been reading she spotted the same cream colored paper he'd used to write her along with a black fountain pen. There were some words scribbled on the page but what caught Mac's eye was his endearment.

_My dearest Mac,_

Her heart squeezed and released, thumped so hard she was sure he would hear it. Mac took a breath and then let it out slowly. "I have a little time." She found herself saying and at once Harm was out of his seat, pulling the other chair out for her. "Thank you."

"Anytime...Mama raised a gentleman you know."

They sat in silence for a short time, each trying to find the words to say. Mac took a sip of her coffee and deftly chewed on her chocolate croissant knowing he was watching her intently. When her eyes met his, she found that expression of adoration and a soft smile that made her weak.

"I wanted to call you but…"

"I wouldn't have answered…" She admitted.

"How are you?"

"Good...Better, I think...I'm finally seeing someone...Admiral's orders." Mac rolled her eyes as if the admission was more than she intended on him knowing. One other glance his way and she found relief in his eyes.

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

Was it? She wasn't sure. Some parts of therapy had been useful tools. Other parts she'd much rather forget. "How was California?"

Harm shrugged. "Boring as hell... But at least I spent time with mom and Frank...she says hello by the way."

"She asked about me?"

"She always does...says you're quite the girl."

"We met what? Twice? She doesn't know anything about me."

Harm grinned. His mother likely knew more than he was willing to admit. At the inception of their partnership she was all Harm would ever talk about. "You made an impression on her...Frank too. How are things at JAG?"

"Fine except for Sturgis...he's infuriating at best."

"Preacher's son...some of that holier than thou rubbed off on him. He's a good guy but sometimes you just wanna strangle him." Sturgis was still a good friend, one of his oldest who, along with Keeter, helped him get back on track at the Academy. "He was the guy who would bail us out."

"He told me a few stories. Said you saved his life...Honestly, it's a miracle any of you troublemakers graduated." She grinned and placed a hand on his forearm thankful that Harm didn't pull away.

"Hah. I wasn't that bad, you know. But the Academy is stressful and we needed to let off some steam." He eyed her through the brim of the cup noting the dark shadows under her eyes were gone. Mac looked rested, something that was absent when he'd left for California and he couldn't help but wonder how much of her exhaustion had been caused by him. "You look...Good. Better."

She sighed. "Therapy. I don't know. Sometimes it feels great afterwards, cleansing and cathartic. Other rimes I feel run down from so much shame that I can't stand it."

"Shame? Why?" All he could think about was that night, in the back of his car. He hadn't forced her into it but that kiss instigated her into motion that neither of them could stop. "Is it because of us?"

She shook her head. "No...It's everything. My life. The only thing good in it is my career...everything else. I've made a mess."

"Mac you can't help the cards you're dealt. You went through a lot as a kid, that had to leave a mark."

"No but I can choose to stop playing those cards...I've made some terrible mistakes."

"We all do, it's part of being human." She hadn't taken her hand off of his forearm so he placed his hand over hers and squeezed reassuringly. He felt that touch to the depths of his soul and when his eyes found hers again they shared one of their infamous silent conversations. For a moment, just a breath, everything was right again.

What Harm wanted most was to pull her to him, into his arms and kiss her senseless until they each ran out of breath. "What are you up to today? Wanna do that touristy thing? The smithsonian has a new Dinosaur exhibit, I hear." His heart sank into the pit of his stomach when Mac looked at her watch.

Harm knew very well she could tell time without looking, it had been one of those uncanny things of hers that made Mac so exquisitely unique. It also meant she was looking for an out. Once she removed her hand from under his, he was sure. She was running again. "Never mind it was stupid of me to ask...I ah...yeah, nevermind."

"I'm busy...really busy with work. Sturgis is defending and I really want to crush him." That flash of sadness in his eyes was terribly heartbreaking but it had been the truth. It was one of those high profile cases which requires all of her concentration. "But ask me again next weekend, my answer may change."

"Really?" He looked at her with hope and that flyboy smile spread across his lips to full wattage. He stood when she did and helped Mac slip her jacket back on.

"Yeah, really." His hands were still lingering on her jacket, fingers sliding down the length of the lapels to straighten the collar. His fingers deliberatley touched the nape of her neck and that warm feeling spread through Mac. God, she wanted more of his touch and his arms wrapped around her. The night Mic left she'd truly known what it was like to he in Harm's arms and she found herself needing more of that.

Grinning, she reached down to the table sliding the magazine off the letter that she then tapped with her index finger. "Writing a letter to someone?"

"To a girl. Not sure she knows but I'm crazy about her."

"She knows." She smiled and then leaned in pressing a kiss on his cheek just a fraction away from his lips. "Bye." It was hard to leave him and not spend more time hatching out where things went wrong. But, duty was in the way. She'd taken just a few steps towards the door when something made her turn back to him. "Harm? I missed you too."

* * *

"Colonel? You received some flowers." Harriet looked up at Mac hesitantly. The last time the Marine received flowers was quite disastrous and she searched the woman for any signs of hostility. In her arms was a large arrangement inside a heavy square vase with various groupings of wild flowers.

"Did I? Oh my." Reds, yellows, pinks, purples, vibrant colors with leaves of green. Mac wasn't an expert but enough camping trips with Uncle Matt made her realize they were all desert flowers. She grinned and let Harriet into the office helping her with the burden.

Absentmindedly the lieutenant fluffed the blooms and fixed some of the arrangement which had shifted during delivery. "No card? Do you know who could have sent them?"

Oh, she knew exactly who the sender was and expected there was also a letter waiting for her at home. As if on cue, Harm appeared at her door cooly leaning against the doorframe with a shit eating grin. "Good afternoon Colonel, Lieutnentat...what seems to be the ruckus?"

"Colonel MacKenzie has a secret admirer."

"Oh she does does she?" He pushed off the door frame and stepped into Mac's office, stopping to admire the arrangement. "That's nice...Well, Mac's a special lady, I'm not surprised."

Harriet didn't miss the look between the senior officers or Harm's flirtatious voice that made Mac blush. "I ah...is Bud calling me? I'll see you later." She hurried out of the office and closed the door as she left.

"So." Harm looked down as his fingers walked across the top of her desk stopping at the blue dino seated on a corner. He petted the plushie and slowly brought his eyes back to hers. "You like?"

"He's adorable. I'm sorry if I didn't thank you." Her breath caught when their eyes met and for the life of her Mac never felt anything quite like this with him. It was new and welcomed, this open attraction for her. She blushed furiously as his hand wrapped around hers and brought it up to his lips. "Harm…"

"I said I'd give you time and I will. I just need you to know that I'm still here and I still want you." He pressed a kiss to her palm and then let her hand drop. "I still love you."lAt those words, she stepped back from him. Clearly this was much more than she was ready for but, he wouldn't let that deter him.

Instead Harm changed tactics, taking a step back and grabbing the plushie from her desk to study the dinosaur. "Does he have a name?"

"Hammer." Mac sighed. The attention was truly welcomed but she still needed some space to sort the insecurities on the very edges of her mind. "I named him Hammer."

"Hmmm." He pretended the name didn't have an affect by managing to bite back a grin while his ego swelled more than he thought possible. "Hammer huh? I like like it." Carefully, he put the toy back on her desk and pet him once again. "Have a splendid day, Colonel."

"You too, Commander." She watched him walk away with something of a swagger and grinned. What Mac didn't know was that he'd also stashed a box of Oreos in her bottom drawer.

This time, she wouldn't throw anything away.


	22. Falling

**Chapter 22 - Falling**

Harm knew her moods quite well, the ebb and flow which manifested itself in her eyes. When she was happy, her eyes would take an almost amber hue. If she was upset they were like molten chocolate. It was when she cried that the two mixed and the hue was absolutely stunning. That was the look in her eyes on Tuesday morning and it made him worry. "Good Morning, Colonel."

She looked lost as she brushed by him and towards her office. "Nothing good about it."

He knew better than to pry. Harm was giving her space after all but his innate sense to care for Mac overrode any possible backlash. "You alright?" Not daring to enter without being asked, he leaned against the door frame and watched her settle in.

Mac sighed and her eyes were veiled. He wouldn't understand, she knew he wouldn't and that 'space' he was affording her would close in fast if he didn't get an answer. "I'm fine, Harm. Just reeling over a crappy therapy session that makes me wonder why I'm even here."

Harm frowned, getting her meaning despite the lack of clarification. "You're here because you're supposed to be." He said and sensing no hostility stepped into her office. "If you weren't here I would have been locked in jail for going after Holbarth. If you weren't here I would have died in Russia. Who would have found me at sea?"

His voice was so soft like a gentle caress forcing Mac to look up at him. Harm gave her a soft smile which she returned tentatively. "Sorry. Sometimes therapy leaves me...bereft."

* * *

Dr. Taylor eyed Mac who hadn't said a word since entering her office. The Marine was usually tentative to start bur, this time didn't even spare a 'good morning' her way. "What's on your mind?"

"_Him._" She said and closed her eyes tightly to prevent a tear from slipping out. "He still wants me enough to give me space to make my own decision about us."

"That is a good thing. Unless there is something about him you haven't told me."

Mac bit her lower lip. _'Any man who's ever been with Mac is dead or wish they were.' _She couldn't get his voice out of her head or the tone Harm used that meant he was serious. A million apologies couldn't erase those words. "Why would a man who loves you say those things? If it was because I hurt him...hell, he hurt me too!"

She slammed a hand into her chest a little harder than intended and the fury which had been waning over Harm was brought back up to a boil. "He apologized as if that would just erase things. It can't."

Dr. Taylor tried not to glare at her patient. Often enough the insults were two-fold: one would start, the other would finish. In all likelihood Mac had probably done something to produce such a nasty comment. "You've never said anything that could be construed as cruel or unforgiving to him?"

"No, Doctor. I haven't and trust me, Harm has done some pretty stupid things in the time that I've known him that would warrant critique."

"Did you ever _do _something to make him feel that way?"

"No!" She stopped for a moment, images of a starlit night, the Southern Cross and a different ferry ride forced a calm into her. Mac hadn't agreed to marry Mic that night but she didn't refuse either. She took Harm's words at face value, didn't see that he was conflicted and used Mic to heal her wounded heart. "Yes. Only I didn't realize how much I hurt him."

There were other times she could recall, choosing to go on a date with Mic, flaunting him in front of Harm just to get his reaction. It was always cool, always impassive until the most inopportune moments. That too was infuriating and it was when things got a tad serious with him and Renee that Mac moved the ring. "He didn't seem to want me, not that way so I moved on and it hurt him."

"You can't corner the market on hurt."

"No but...He spent so much time avoiding the issue until it was too late." Mac frowned trying to piece together where things went off the rails. She knew it hung between the appearance of Ragle and Harm's departure from JAG. After that, things just weren't clicking anymore. They were still friends but, the tension had grown."I want to believe that Harm has no right to feel that way but, I guess he does, doesn't he?"

"Yes he does." The comment itself was cause for questioning and it was more of a curiosity than a professional move when Dr. Taylor asked about death. "Whose death was he referring to? Your husband I assume? That was hardly your fault."

Mac sighed, long and rough as she thought of the man who lay dying in her arms in the middle of an alleyway. '_I love you, I always will.'_ She'd said to him, lied because it was clear he wouldn't survive another minute. Mac still felt shame from it although it mostly came in the form of relief that Dalton was gone from her life. She wasn't sure how far he was willing to go, if he'd turn into some sort of monster that would never let her live. For the first time in forever, she was scared and it wasn't a look Mac liked on herself. "A year or so before Chris' death, I was dating a man. I caught the eye of a big shot lawyer in DC. He was everything I thought I needed ina man - wealthy, good looking, someone who could show me how the other half lives, you know? A provider...I thought I was in love."

"But you weren't?"

Mac shook her head. "No. I was infatuated by him. Love takes time, I guess. I was seduced by him, by the money and even left JAG for a time to join his law firm." The amount of zeros on the check they'd presented was everything she'd ever need and then some. Much more than the military would ever be able to offer and a way to absolve her crummy past. "Long story short, Harm got into some trouble and needed legal help. I saved his life, saved him from being locked up for a crime he didn't commit."

Dalton wasn't impressed by this move or the maneuvering he had to do to force Mac to work for them only for her to quit. It made him the laughing stock at the firm, a fact he revealed during dinner one night and that is when she began to see a change. "He was always good to me but, he had become indifferent. I bruised his ego amongst his colleagues when I returned to JAG."

"I realized that I was more of his arm candy than anything else. No one in that firm cared for my legal skills other than to have me write briefs after briefs like some sort of legal aid." And then he'd done the most unforgivable thing. "Somehow we were working on a case and Dalton's firm was hired to defend. I was upset that he didn't refuse but, then I realized why when documents were stolen from my apartment. That was the end of us only he wouldn't let me go."

Dr. Taylor sighed, she knew what was coming next. "He began stalking you?"

"Yes. To the point that he would take lowly Navy cases in order to bump into me at JAG. Harm confronted him once, told him to back off but, he didn't. He wouldn't. So I figured, I could talk to him one more time, reason with him that we weren't meant to be." She never understood why she was so special that Dalton couldn't let go. There were more attractive, wealthier women that would be fit to be Mrs. Lowne, Mac wasn't it.

"That was foolish of you."

Mac frowned and stood, moving slowly back and forth across the office. Foolish indeed only she didn't realize it had been two men following her at the same time. One was far more deadlier than the other. "It was. But, I asked him to meet me at a busy bar. We never got the chance to talk though, he was killed that night by another man who was stalking me."

The story sounded almost like a soap opera or some cheesy b-rated movie that played at odd hours of the night. "Another man was after you?"

"I'd helped Harm stall a DC detective from taking a Vet into custody. He developed a bit of an attraction for me." It was common to have men hit on her and Mac never thought anything more of it. In all honesty, she couldn't ever see Coster doing such a thing. "He broke into my place, scribbled Dalton's last words to me with lipstick behind my headboard. He destroyed my place, bugged it and so I went to Harm… Oh God."

The thought which crossed her mind made Mac feel sick. She retreated back to the guest chair, slipping into it with a defeated posture. She _had_ said nasty things to him and although it was a product of being inebriated, Mac meant every word. "I have been mean with him….terribly so."

Alcohol had a way of loosening the lips and the thoughts that were normally kept hidden away would bubble to the surface unhindered. She took aim at him that afternoon, shooting where it would hurt him the most. '_Harmon Rabb, Jr. So righteous. So pure. You never had a weak moment in your life, did you? Oh, wait a minute. I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments, of course. Your long lost father. Neurotic Annie.'_

"He called me a mean drunk." She chuckled without feeling. "I haven't had a drink since but...it was no excuse for what I said. His father meant so much and I just...He...He forgave me. He forgave me and hatched this crazy plan to catch Coster and we did." That night Harm took her home, watched over her as she slept. Cleaned her mess when she'd thrown up in the bathroom trying to rid her body of the vodka Coster forced down her throat. She'd woken up to find him uncomfortably sprawled across her sofa with his ankle up on pillows, a melted cold pack on his bruised ankle. "Even God forgives…"

"What was that?"

"Even God Forgives...of course Harm feels dead inside over me...of course." Because he's picked up all of her broken pieces and tried to reassemble them in his own way.

"Colonel…"

"He's been with me through every relationship. every failure. He's seen me run away...seen me _settle_. Accused me of it and he's right… so right."

"Is that what you did with your ex?"

Mac nodded. "I couldn't have Harm...So I did, went to someone who said the right things, did the right things...And I would have been miserable." And abused. The Marine in her wouldn't have taken it, of course. But, the woman in her that didn't want to be alone would have because she was weak, so weak. "I'm not settling with Harm...It's more involved more...more..._everything_. And I hurt him because I'm associating his protectiveness of me with some abusive bastard... Christ he was right."

"Right about what?"

'_Every time a man tells you your worth something, you push him away.'_ She never understood what he meant by that comment only that it served to chip a piece of her because he'd been right. "About me pushing away...It's happened with him from the beginning...every compliment he gave, every flirt… at first I threw him more red lights than the Beltway...I was determined not to let his good looks charm me…manipulate me...I was falling for him not because of his charm but because of who he was...I'm pushing him away now too and I don't want to."

"Then stop."

It was easier said than done. Mac's wounded heart was calling the shots and though the marks which Mic had left were gone now, the emotional ones wouldn't let it happen again.

* * *

"Mac? Where'd you go?" Harm was in her office now, hovering from the opposite side of her desk. She looked up finding a look of utmost concern on his beautiful face. "You okay?"

She cleared her throat and sat back in her chair folding her arms across her chest defensively. "Yeah… Yes, I'm just...I'm sick of having to go to therapy."

He gave her a lopsided smile. "I remember sessions like that. The ones that would make you talk about your deep dark secrets and make you feel like shit."

"You went to therapy?" Her eyebrows shot up in surprise he didn't seem like the type that would willing put himself through this.

"Yep...after the ramp strike I was ordered." He walked in further, leaned against her filing cabinet and gave her a wider grin. "I was in my late 20s, thought I ruled the world and did as ordered in hopes I could get my wings back. In hindsight, I should have listened and taken it seriously."

Mac was taking it seriously, kept writing in her journal, spent countless evenings awake trying to stop her emotions from playing havoc on her thoughts. "I guess I just never realized how fucked up I am… Or why...I can't look at myself in the mirror sometimes.. I don't like myself very much these days." A tear slipped from her eye, one that he caught with his thumb and brushed away.

Harm was squatting before her, his eyes searching her own with that every present concern. He was gentle with her, a touch so soft when he wiped away yet another tear. God did he want to pull her into his arms, hold her and make her believe she'd be alright. "You'll be alright, Mac."

"You sound sure about that."

"You're one of the strongest persons I know… Have a little faith in yourself."

His eyes had dropped down to her lips, watching with curiosity as she swiped a tongue to moisten them. It made his breath catch and hers as well as the blue irises darkened. What struck Mac the most was how badly she wanted him too. Just one look sent a ripple through her and his hand had dropped down to take hers. "Harm…"

He sighed in desperate frustration. "If you only knew what you're doing to me." At the warning in her eyes, he stood up and took several steps backwards. "Space… Yeah, I know." He shoved a hand in his pocket and produced a small piece of paper with words written in his handwriting. "I have something for you. Captain Jerot called, they found the little girl." He'd also taken the time to secure her a flight to Indonesia and cleared it with Chegwidden. "Your flight leaves at 1640…The Admiral approved it."

"What? How?"

Harm grinned and began to make his retreat from her office. "Consider it a gift and check your middle drawer." He flashed her the cockiest of grins which only made her chuckle. Once he left, she pulled open the middle drawer and inside she found a rose.

Upon further inspection, Mac discovered it wasn't real but the petals were tightly bound and made out of a suede like material. Blood red, small and delicate with a ribbon extending from a tiny green stem. The words '_We met in a rose garden' _were etched across written in silver ink. Was it possible to fall even more in love?


	23. Dance

**Chapter 23 - Dance**

The trip to Indonesia had been ground breaking; healing to the point which Mac felt an actual weight come off of her shoulders. Lilliana was alive and so happy to see her. The girl raced into Mac's arms, hugged her tightly and then presented her with a gift. It was wrapped in an old handkerchief, burned on some of the edges and the ink was slightly smeared - Harm's letter.

She didn't want to show such emotion in front of the little girl and her mother but, the tears came anyway. "Thank you Colonel for keeping her safe."

"No ma'am. She kept us safe." Mac replied and agreed to spend the following day in their home and then returned back to Washington.

A little over a week later Mac sat in her office buried deep in a pile of folders strewn across her desk. She was typing frantically on the computer when a knock on her door made her look up. "Enter."

It was Harm sporting an almost shy look on his face that made her imagine much of the same expression when he was a young boy. "Hey, I know you're busy but...tomorrow is Friday." And between her trip to Indonesia and his to Pensacola they had barely seen or spoken. He hadn't forgotten her suggestion and only hoped the mountain of paperwork didn't mean she would be busy.

Mac grinned. "Yes it is. It usually comes after today which is Thursday." She tried to joke but, his somber expression only seemed to grow. It wiped the grin from her lips and she motioned for him to step forward. "You okay?"

"No… Well, yeah… Yes." Harm was stuttering and his arms were folded across his chest so tightly it was like a kind of armor. He shifted from one foot to the other and found interest on the scuff mark on her floor. "You said I could ask you out on Friday… It's a week later, well, two weeks later but I was hoping the offer would still hold… So, would you like to go out with me tomorrow?"

The grin he flashed was adorable and nothing like that flyboy kind that he used to charm women. This was sweet, cute even. "A date?"

"Yeah, Mac. A date. We went from zero to 80. We can take this slow or restart if you will."

"Back at the beginning?" She offered and he nodded. "So, where are you taking me?" Mac grinned up at him and leaned back into her chair. She almost laughed when his expression changed and any apprehension washed away.

"Ladies choice. Anywhere you want."

"Mmm." She contorted her face, dramatizing the thought process but, for some reason there was only one thing she wanted to do with him….Okay, _two_ things but, they were starting slow, weren't they? "Dancing."

"Dancing? No dinner?"

Mac shook her head. "Nope, just dancing… Pick me up at 2100 tomorrow and don't be late."

* * *

Harm was early, twenty minutes early to be exact and he couldn't stop ogling her when Mac opened the door to let him in. She wore a fiery red dress and while not indecent, it clung to every sexy curve of Mac's body and came down just below her knee in uneven strands. The cups enveloped her breasts leaving just enough skin showing to make his brain shut off for several seconds. "You alright?" She queried, carefully taking the dozen yellow roses he shoved at her.

"Me? Oh, yeah...Just a little tired." He stammered out and tried not to cringe as Mac's characteristic eyebrow rose in amusement.

"We can do this another time if you're too tired." She threw over her shoulder, crossing the apartment in order to find the vase under the sink and put the flowers in water. "But, I was really in the mood to dance."

"What? No..no, no...I'm fine, really." He was following her, leaning against the door frame and watching with interest as she squatted down and grabbed the vase. It was a fluid movement, revealing nothing and gracefully Mac stood back up despite teetering on impossibly high heels. If he didn't know any better, she was trying to seduce him and the tightening of his nether regions altered him that she was doing a good job of it. "So where am I taking you?"

"El Centro."

* * *

The lively Latin music thumped alive at the small restaurant which boasted a rooftop dance club on the weekends. It was one of those spots you had no prayer on getting into unless you knew somebody or looked like Sarah MacKenzie did in that red dress. Intricate bass patterns thumped against his chest to a wild and exotic rhythm; a living and breathing collection of instruments played by the live band on a tiny stage.

Mac didn't bother sitting, simply led him through the crowd and to the center. She had a wicked expression, her lips turned up in amusement when her hips began to sway. Harm's hands automatically came to her hips without any sort of apprehension that lived between them for the last few months. It felt natural to touch her, to sway with her and when Mac threw her arms over his neck, he was done for. "Didn't know you could move like that, Marine." He whispered in her ear once there was a pause in the music and Harm could speak without yelling.

"College. Cuban friend."

As the music began again, he pushed off her hip and then pulled her back so that when he grabbed her, Mac's body pressed into him. One of her hands rested against his shoulder, the other was threaded with his as Harm guided her through the dance floor. "I dated a flight attendant from Miami...She may have taught me a move or two." To prove his point, he led Mac through a series of turns one of which brought him just half an inch away from her breasts.

It made her laugh, a sound which cut through the pounding music and fed his soul. She really did have the prettiest laughter although Harm certainly biased when it came to Sarah MacKenzie. "You look stunning, Mac….I'm gonna have some pretty nice dreams tonight." He admitted, grinning as she rolled her eyes playfully.

* * *

"I had fun." He said as he brought his Lexus to a stop just outside of her apartment building. Any other time Harm would try to go up for a night cap but, he was taking it slow with her. Although, if he spent another night dancing with her that way he wouldn't be able to slow things down anymore.

"Me too. Never thought you could move your hips like that flyboy."

Harm bit back the urge to tell her how well he really could move them on a bed, with her beneath him. "I'll walk you up."

"Okay." Mac slid her arm through the crook of his and kept it there as she opened the downstairs door, slipped into the elevator and then walked to her apartment. She released him only long enough to pull the key out of her purse and open her door. "Thank you for indulging me."

"I should indulge you more often." He grinned. The air between them became charged much more than it had been throughout the evening. His eyes dropped to her lips and Mac anticipated his kiss, she was excited for it - her heart hammering hard as his head came down to hers. Only he didn't claim her mouth and simply pressed one chaste kiss on her cheek. "Good night, Sarah. See you Monday."

Mac glared at his retreating form, ignoring the want to fling one of her heels at the back of his head as Harm began to whistle "Anchors Aweigh."

* * *

"We kissed." Mac said, flopping onto one of the oversize chairs in front of Dr. Taylor's desk. "We kissed and I swear to God, I've never been kissed like that before." She also never wanted someone so bad before. Ever since their little date at a dance club, Mac's body was humming, aching and she only wanted his touch.

Her dreams were keeping her awake now for other reasons - images of them making love. He was above her, holding her hands down to the mattress, moving within her. But, no. They were taking it slow and to Mac it felt like a leisurely seduction.

Sunday morning she'd gone for a run hoping to exhaust herself into a long nap on her couch after a bath and a late breakfast. Mac headed off to Rock Creek Park, ran one circle and was about to begin another when she spotted a familiar form. He was quicker than her, always had been so she doubled her efforts and hurried after him. On a dead sprint she pushed past, hurled an insult about the Navy and sprinted harder when Harm gave chase.

Mac went through the wooded areas, slowing down once she reached a steep hill with exposed roots that could have and did trip her up. She managed not to fall even when the skies suddenly opened up and turned the dirt into slippery mud. Harm didn't fare the same, his taller frame making it harder for him to keep his footing and soon he was on the ground.

"Harm! You okay?" She came to his side, dropping to her knees and running her hands over his body to make sure there wasn't anything broken. The fall seemed terrible to her and it was only when she brushed over his ribs and he began to laugh that Mac slapped him on the chest. "Jerk! You could have been hurt."

He sat up and that was when it happened. Amidst the swirling wind and the pounding rain, another storm began to brew but this one was far more electric than the crackling lightning above. Their eyes met and gazes held in a silent contemplation of something they both were yearning for.

She was wet, soaked to the bone and the grey USMC shirt she wore was sticking to her skin revealing every delectable curve. Mac's hair was a mess, the rain forcing it to mat to her face and for the life of him he'd never seen anything so sexy. "I want to kiss you so bad." Harm said in a voice roughened by the desire he felt and could no longer hold back.

Tentatively, Mac reached out to touch him, brushing off a streak of mud from across his cheek. She let her hand drop, moving slowly down the planes of his chest and pressing just over his heart. The beat was rough beneath her palm, wild like the storm around them. He leaned in and she did too and this time none of them stopped until their lips touched.

They moved achingly slow as if remembering how it felt when they had done this a few times before. It had been months and the circumstances hazy at best. This was new, it felt like the first time and surpassed that kiss on the Admiral's porch. Harm's tongue swept over her lower lip in askance and when Mac opened her mouth to him, he lightly tasted and nibbled. It was so completely devine and all of the running she'd done suddenly made zero sense. Mac wanted this man, needed him like the very breath he'd drawn out of her as he stopped and kissed the corners of her mouth. "Harm."

"I know… I know… Slow, right?" For her sake he would stop, wouldn't push but he would take another kiss from her this time deeper than before. He fused his mouth to hers, pulled Mac's body across him as he dropped onto the soggy ground. His arms held her steady all the while she returned his kiss with equal fervor. And then he let her go. "Slow, Mac."

"Yeah… Slow." And yet, she pressed her lips to his again.

…

"I forgot how _good_ it feels to kiss him… but this time… God, it was like _everything_ aligned. It felt like the first time and I wanted it so bad. I wanted him." Mac bit her lower lip. She was practically giddy recounting their kiss as chaste as possible. She didn't mention that the back of Harm's hand had brushed past the swell of her breast or that she could feel his arousal straining for her.

"Do you think he'll ever abandon you?" The question was hard to ask when the woman before her seemed to finally break some sort of ground. Mac was genuinely happy for once but, Dr. Taylor needed to get to the crux of what had started this pitfall.

"No."

"Will you abandon him?"

Mac's eyes narrowed and for the briefest of moments she felt personally attacked. She opened her mouth to defend herself and then stopped, rationalizing Dr. Taylor's query. Running was in her blood - forged by her youth. Her mother left her father and Mac did as well. She left Chris to rot in jail. She swallowed back the lump at her throat and thought back to the last few months and the hell they'd both been through. She'd almost lost Harm in a storm tossed ocean and despite the things which that forced her to feel, Mac walked away from him - hurt him - because she could. She needed that control in her life and now it seemed so foolish. "I don't want to run from him anymore."


	24. Deja Vu

**Chapter 24 - Deja Vu**

Mac stood at attention waiting for Chegwidden to finish reading Dr. Taylor's report. He took his time and she honestly believed he enjoyed this type of torment on his senior staff, to leave them standing still while he gave his verdict. Thankfully the Marines had instilled that perfect stance although the heels sometimes made her teeter slightly. "So, Colonel? How bad was it?"

The last day of therapy had come and gone, she'd done her time, fulfilled his requirements and learned a lot about herself along the way. She was better for it although Mac still found herself sitting in a dark apartment a time or two when her thoughts wouldn't let her sleep. Of course, those thoughts were of Harm and she couldn't help but wonder if giving into him would eventually be the blow that killed her.

He loved her, she knew, that sentiment had been said the night of her engagement party, reaffirmed in the following weeks when she lay in his bed when he'd ask her to come to him. She was in love with him, irrevocably so but being in love didn't make things magically work. They both still had many issues to overcome and hers were of the trusting variety or lack thereof. In the end, she always expected the man she was with to hurt her in some fashion and Harm had done his fair share with words.

Mac straightened more before speaking. "Unpleasant at first but, I learned a few things about myself. This Marine would like to thank you, sir."

Chegwidden's head snapped up and his brows furled, he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. No one in the military ever enjoyed therapy, much less thanked their commanding officer for issuing such an order. "Thank me? Cut the crap, Colonel and take a seat." He scoffed at her comment and rubbed the bald spot on his head. "Look, I didn't know what else to do with you. I've been to therapy and found out it brought out some things I'd rather not dwell on...Skeletons in the closet so to speak."

"It did for me too." An image flashed of the little girl huddled in a closet, praying for a God that never seemed to listen to her. Her pleas always fell on deaf ears as she heard her father slapping her mother over and over. Mac shook her head and took a breath, "I knew I had past issues, thought I dealt with them fine on my own." She also thought that they didn't matter and hated when others used their past an excuse for current actions. "They dictated a lot of aspects of my life and I need to apologize to you. I need to apologize to Commander Rabb as well. He was doing his job and I acted like a brat in court."

"Nothing to apologize for, Mac. Just remember this is a job, eventually we move on from it." He motioned at her hand noticing the USMC ring displayed where a certain engagement band once was. AJ took it as a sign that she really was done with the Aussie and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. "Brumby?

"Gone. For good hopefully… I'm... I." Mac opened her mouth to speak and the shut it again unable to bad mouth the man she almost married. She thought about her ex and the good times which could no longer outweigh the bad. It saddened her how marred that relationship was and felt like a fool for following blindly just because she didn't want to be alone. "I didn't see the signs until it was too late."

"None of us did, Mac. I liked the guy. Didn't think he was right for you but, I figured you knew what you were doing. You seemed happy."

"I thought I was. Funny how we settle for something less than what we deserve just because." She took a breath and let it out slowly, the fingers of her left hand absentmindedly tracing over where Mic's ring once was. "I would have been miserable. He would have insisted on me leaving JAG and everything I am just to be with him. And I probably would have followed along. I was weak." And Mic would have hurt her badly, she knew that now. Mac would have succumbed to the same pitfall as her mother.

"Story of my life, Colonel. I've had my own failed relationships. Live and learn." He heaved a heavy sigh as he closed her file and tapped a pen on it. There was something else he needed clarification on, a subject he would rather not have to broach but, he'd been preparing himself for since the beginning. "What is the..._status_ between you and Commander Rabb?"

She grinned. "Figuring things out, sir. At least I think we are." Nothing else happened after that kiss in the rain but a few promises to see each other again although dates and times were never confirmed. And she wanted to see him. Mac wanted Harm kissing her again and _other_ activities that usually followed such great kisses. "Our status as _just_ working partners _has_ changed… I mean. What I'm trying to say is that Commander Rabb and me… we're…"

"_Together?"_ Chegwidden offered. "Romantically?"

Did one time together constitute a romantic relationship? Mac wasn't sure and they really weren't quite dating were they? "I ah.. I'm not exactly sure."

"Not sure? How are you not sure?"

Mac shrugged. "Well, I think we started dating… But then, we're taking it slow." It was really uncomfortable to discuss this with her commanding officer although he was the closest thing as a father figure in her life. Her answer made his eyebrows shoot up and Mac cringed at the onslaught she figured would follow.

"_Slow_?" Chegwidden sighed, MacKenzie and Rabb would be the death of him. "Colonel...Mac, slow is for people who haven't known each other as long as the two of you have. Now I know you've been through quite a bit, as has the Commander but... Take my advice, _don't_ take it slow. Life's too short for that."

"What about work?" She furled her brow, knowing the military could be a hindrance for romance and the rules and regulations they needed to follow as officers would be quite the obstacle.

"I assume not much will change. He'll still push your buttons, you'll still get pissed off. He'll get in trouble and you'll bail him out...The two of you will still be my best team and when he puts a ring on your finger, I promise to help you figure it out."

_When he puts a ring on your finger._ The thought made her tummy do flip flops and although it was far too soon for that sort of thing, the idea wasn't unpleasant at all. "It's that simple?"

"It doesn't have to be complicated, Colonel." That gruff persona that Chegwidden was known for dissipated and in place came a soft, knowing smile. "I always knew the two of you would get close, I could tell from the day you met and that's not a bad thing. Commander Rabb is a good man, he has a Peter Pan complex I could do without but, his heart is usually in the right place." The smile quickly turned into a scowl and that thousand yard stare that SEALs were known for replaced any mirth. "Just so you know, if he ever hurts you, I'll make sure to break both of his legs."

Mac laughed. "I can do that myself, sir. Thankfully the Corps taught me well, even if the opponent is bigger than me."

Half an hour later, Mac stepped out of the office and practically rammed into Harm who was headed towards Tiner's desk with a file in hand. His arm came around her bicep to steady her and Mac's hand pressed against the wall of his chest. They stood motionless, each staring at each other with a silly grin until Harm found his voice. "Good afternoon, Colonel. I was about to send a search party." He motioned towards Chegwidden's office and avoided the fact that he'd been pacing outside for nearly a full hour waiting on her. "You cleared for full duty or do I need to step in and help out?"

"I'm free and clear and not a moment too soon, I was about to fling that stupid rubber stamp out my window if I had to look over another file."

Harm stared at her and the subtle difference that he saw in her expression. Mac looked happy for the first time in months and maybe a little more relaxed around him. He liked it and wondered if it was time to move things a little further. "Soooo…."

"Soooo…" She repeated, her smile kicking up a notch so that it brightened her eyes.

"Dinner?"

"A meal between lunch and breakfast?" Mac teased, giggling when he rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest in a very Rabb-like protective gesture.

"C'mon, Mac. Help a guy out here… Do I have to say the words?"

"Girls like the words, Harm." She knew her tone was much too flirty for the office especially since they were standing in Chegwidden's anteroom but, the coast was relatively clear and Tiner was too busy fielding calls to notice the two officers anyway.

He took a long, ragged breath and let it out dramatically as if it cost him something to ask her out. "Mac... Sarah, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

"Your place or mine?"

"Ladies choice."

"Yours." There was just something about his apartment that she liked. It was cozy, interesting and she felt safe there, safer than her own apartment. Mac stepped towards him and placed a hand on his forearm, it was the least questionable thing she could do given where they were but the twinkle in her eye made her intentions known. "And I'll make sure to bring my sea bag."

And then she walked away, hips moving in a way that they never did when she was in uniform. It was seductive and Harm's eyes drifted down to her six, appreciatively glancing at what the woman could do to such a drab uniform.

"Commander, when you deem it fit to stop ogling the Colonel, I would like to see you in my office." He cringed at the sound of Chegwidden's voice and the fact that he was caught in the act. He was, indeed ogling but then, what red blooded man wouldn't? "_Now_, Commander."

"Yes sir."

* * *

Hours later Mac sat in her car, staring up at Harm's building with trepidation as if she were walking into a lion's den. She was nervous and the hammering of her heart against her chest made her feel like a terrible panic attack was imminent. It had been months since she'd last been in his apartment, when Harm had demanded she come to him and Mac did out of sheer desperation. She needed him then and yet, she ran away as a result of miscommunication and the PTSD she refused to admit was wreaking havoc deep inside.

Harm didn't deserve any of the hell she'd put him through all because of her insecurity to really fall for him. She voiced that insecurity on her final session when Dr. Taylor gave her the good, and bad news - the sessions were over and she was fit for duty.

* * *

"This is your last session."

"Last? Oh." Mac had been happy when walking into the office that day, and the sense of elation that was once evident washed away quickly replaced with concern. As was her custom when apprehensive, she wrung her cover with both hands, twisting it until the tip of the EGA pierced her palm.

"You don't seem happy."

"I am...I just." Was there more to say? Some hidden agenda her mind was holding captive until the opportune moment to wreck her life. And what of the PTSD? Could it come back? "I'm scared."

"You don't think you can handle things on your own? You're a mean green Marine. Take charge."

Mac chuckled. It was amusing to hear her 'Marine spiel' thrown back at her. "This wasn't what I expected."

"It never is."

It had been enlightening and often depressing; terrifying but she learned quite a bit about herself. "I don't know how to thank you."

Dr. Taylor smiled. It was rare to be thanked by a client. "It wasn't me Colonel...it was you."

"Call me Mac."

"Mac? Not Sarah." The doctor found that odd given that Sarah was such a beautiful name and Mac sounded more like a mans.

She shook her head and shrugged. "Not very many people call me Sarah. My uncle Matt gave me the nickname Mac when I was little and it kind of stuck." Her father hated it as did every many she would become romantically engaged with. Eventually, all of the men in her life would call her Sarah but, there was only one who made her heart sore when he did.

"What do you prefer?"

Mac thought for a moment unable to hide a smile at how she felt when Harm said it. He didn't use it much only when adding a kind of emphasis to a conversation he needed to have a special meaning. "I'd rather be called Mac. Sarah is the scared little girl curled up in the back of her closet when her parents fought. Sarah is the woman who nearly married a man she didn't love because she was heartbroken and feared being alone."

Dr. Taylor cocked her head. "And Mac is the opposite?"

"No, not really. Mac is still me. She is still vulnerable but, she knows what she wants and is not afraid to go after it anymore."

"Harm?"

"Not just him. It's everything. Harm, my career. my life...None of it had to be good or bad, black or white it can just be and I can change the things that I want. Not everyone or everything is out to manipulate me. I have choices."

"Yes you do...welcome to the moment."

* * *

A small vase of white roses was on the dining table, another on the bar and yet one more on the coffee table, each offset by two white votive candles. Some soft jazz music played in the background and the smell in his apartment was making Harm's stomach rumble.

He stood in the center of the living room trying to find anything out of place and then there was a knock on the door. A chill raced down his spine and that tingly feeling of nervous apprehension made his palms sweat.

He threw the door open without even bothering to look and the woman on the other side took his breath away. "Hey. You look beautiful." Harm eyed her up and down standing with a dumbstruck expression as Mac remained on the other side of the door.

She did, indeed, look beautiful wearing a jean jacket which covered the blue blouse that plummeted down her chest. A wrap around black skirt stopped somewhere above her knees, the wispy material exposing one of her thighs as Mac shifted from one leg to another on calve high boots.

He suddenly felt severely under dressed wearing a simple black buttoned down shirt and well worn jeans. That was when his brain decided to start working again, reminding him that Mac was still in the hallway holding her uniform in one hand and her overnight bag in the other. "Hey. Hi...Sorry, I ah...let me take those." He grabbed her burden and raced up the steps to hang her uniform next to his own and then stopped. Her olive drabs looked good hanging next to his winter blues he decided and wondered if some of his clothes would ever wind up at her place.

Sighing, he dropped her overnight bag on the edge of the bed and as he came down the steps he realized he was still nervous. Packing a sea bag was meant as a joke and given there mutual agreement to take things slow he hadn't expected for things to escalate so quickly. Then again, he was getting ahead of himself, given their ebb and flow one misguided word could end them in a fiery inferno.

"It smells lovely. What did you make?"

He found Mac seated on a bar stool, one leg crossed high over the other to expose more of her thigh. It was all his eyes could zero in on and it took Mac covering herself for him to snap to. "Uh. pot roast and vegetables actually."

"Real Meat? Real, real meat not some meatless concoction?"

Harm rolled his eyes as he padded into the kitchen and checked the hunk of meat in the oven. "And creamy mashed potatoes."

"You're kidding me?" She hopped off the stool, went around the island and pinched his cheek just in case. "Just making sure you're you."

"It's really me. I know what you like, Mac." His voice took on a low seductive tone as one of his hands reached out took hers. He brought it up to his lips pressing a kiss onto her palm. "You really do look stunning. I feel a little under dressed."

"I think you look good... _sexy_."

He snorted and let her go. "Sexy? Hardly."

"I know what I like." Mac's voice also had that seductive undertone that took his breath. They stood staring at each other and she swallowed hard feeling a little less brave than she had been while dressing. The outfit she wore was picked with Harm in mind. Simple enough for dinner at his place and sexy enough to seduce. And now being so close enough to touch, seeing him look at her with unabashed desire made her unsure. "Can I help with something?"

"No, I got it."

She placed a hand on his forearm and squeezed. His eyes focused in on her hand, that simple touch that sent unrestricted energy coursing back and forth between them. "Put me to do something, please. Anything."

"Nervous?" He was too despite the flirting moments ago.

"Yes and I wish I knew why...You're...you not some stranger and…"

"I'm nervous too." He admitted and then motioned towards the refrigerator with his head. "There's a bottle of wine chilling. Non alcoholic. You wanna set the table?"

Mac nodded. "Yes, thank you."

* * *

During dinner they mutually decided not to talk about them deciding the safer subject of cases specifically the new one she'd been assigned.

Afterwards they stood side by side near the sink. Harm washing dishes while Mac dried and put them away. "Let's move to the sofa for dessert." He suggested. "Go sit, I'll bring it."

"What did you buy?" Mac unzipped her boots and set them off to the side while she tucked her legs under her. She eyed him from her spot smiling when he looked yer way with that cocky grin.

"No buying. I made it." He really did work hard on dinner for her. "Chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Not sure how it turned out. I don't really do desert." He balanced two plates in one hand and two mugs of coffee with the other.

Eagerly, Mac took one plate away and even before he settled next to her, she'd taken a hearty bite. Decadent and silky, the creamy desert tasted like heaven. Bittersweet chocolate blended harmoniously with tart raspberry and it made her moan as she took another bite. "Wow...sooo good."

Harm hadn't taken a bite of his dessert. He was far too interested in watching her eat. What the woman did to a spoon was absolutely erotic. What's worse, Mac wasn't doing it on purpose. She would take a bite and then turn the utensil over licking every last creamy remnant if cheese cake.

Again and again she would repeat the process but, once she let out a low moan, he just counted continue to take things slow. "I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry." He pried the plate and spoon from her hands, ignoring her protest.

Harm roughly pulled her body over his, Mac's knees on either side, straddling him. Her bottom rested on his thighs and she could feel his hard length the evidence of his desire to fill her and unite them once more. The jazz CD stopped suddenly and the only sound were there heavy breaths. Her hands came to his shoulders and even from the soft light emanating from the corner lamp she could see his irises darken.

Neither of them could speak out of fear that this moment would pass by fleetingly although there was nothing left to run from. They held each other's gaze, watching, waiting on bated breath for someone to make that first move.

Mac felt the rough palms of Harm's hands as they moved up her arms. She closed her eyes letting herself feel as every nerve ending awakened and burned from his touch. His hands traced her shoulders, brushed down her back and came back around to begin popping the buttons of her blouse. He opened just enough to reach the front of her bra and with shaking fingers pulled apart the clasp. It made a soft 'pop', a sound that made her core clench with wet anticipation of what he would do next.

The silky black fabric slipped off her chest exposing her to him and Mac's nipples grew to hardening peaks from the coolness of the loft. His hungry eyes stared unabashed at the heavy globes resting on her rib cage and Harm didn't hesitate for a second longer. With a steadier hand he reached up to brush the underside of one breast and then the other letting a long finger trace up one soft curve.

Mac let out a shaky breath she didn't know she'd been holding when his hand cupped that breast taking its weight as his thumb dragged over her nipple. His mouth closed over her flesh, tongue swirled around the peak teasing and tasting, making Mac moan for more.

The sounds of his suckling mingling with her breathing had made him impossibly harder. His cock was twitching with the anticipation of being buried deep inside her with Mac moving over him. Neither of them spoke when he released one nipple and moved onto the other using a harder pressure and a rasp of his teeth made Mac moan, the sound echoing in the silent loft.

With each pull from his mouth the tingling between her thighs became a painful ache and her core was so wet it soaked the scrap of fabric she wore beneath her skirt. She took one of his hands and guided it down to her thigh, urging his fingers to move upwards, over her hip and under the elastic of the lacy material that made the scrap of underwear Mac had on. To his delight, he found it was a g-string and Harm didn't hesitate in pushing the flimsy material aside or dipping a finger between her wet lips.

The sounds she made as Mac clenched from his touch was making this slow tease so uncontrollably difficult. It was barely there sweep meant to tease her until she groaned in protest, gripped his shoulders and ground into his hand, her desperate attempt to ease her ache. One long finger probed, caressed, slipped in and out in long, slow strokes and Mac rode out the wave of exquisite pleasure pressing herself firmly into his hand.

Even when she came, that insatiable desire to have him and feel him inside made her hand brush over the bulge longing to be freed. She worked on the button of his jeans with shaky fingers, lowered down the zipper and Harm's eyes fixated on her hand as she pulled him out through the flap of his boxers.

It made a lick of desire pass between them when she took him in her hand and deftly began to trace every contour of his hard length. Mac recalled the first time she touched him, awed by how wonderfully heavy and thick he felt in her palm, how her touch made the tip of his cock moisten as it did now. She stole the breath right out of him when a thumb brushed over that tip and not for the first time Mac wondered how he would taste.

She was still rocking against his palm, gasping when another finger plundered her depths while she stroked him, their rhythm a perfect synchronicity. It just wasn't enough.

The foreplay couldn't ease the intense frustration any longer. Mac wanted to be filled by him, that wickedly delicious stretch of his thick cock deep inside her, his tip touching her womb. Sensing her need, Harm pulled his hand away and roughly gripped her hips helping Mac rise over his length. His fingers gripped the G-string and tore them free off her body as she aligned him with her dripping core.

Inch by glorious inch her body sheathed him, buried Harm to the hilt where she squeezed and released. He was big, thick making the union a kind of pleasure and pain that nearly made Mac pass out from an intense need. They were already panting and breathless but this time there was no feeling of wrongdoing or shame. There were no significant others to answer to.

For a moment they simply remained joined, their eyes holding each other's gaze, their movement a barely there pulse. They surrendered to each other once and for all when Harm pushed his hips up desperately needing the release the friction of moving in and out of her would give him.

Mac's hands gripped onto the back of his sofa and used the leverage to move over him with growing urgency. Harm was watching her expression of ecstasy, the flushed cheeks, the way her eyes would close and her head would tip back each time she rolled her hip one way or another. It turned him on more than he though possible that passionate way her pelvis ground onto his own.

His fingers dug onto her hips, palms wrapping over the curves that seemed to be designed for his hands. Grunting he helped Mac move up and then down, his hips moving upwards to meet hers. The tension was building to the point that he was barely able to control the animal like desire to just take her.

He merely held on, eyes locking on to hers in a silent conversation that conveyed what they both needed. Mac's movements were desperate, her hips grinding into his own so that she could feel the rough fabric of his jeans between her thighs. The fabric was wet from there commingled juices and it took just one finger one of his finger over her clit to send Mac over the edge. It was a lazy sweeping over her swollen bud that had her grasping at his shoulders and holding on while he thrust wildly into her from below until they each came violently.

Panting, they remained joined, her head resting on the crook of his shoulder and his in hers. Harm had his arms wrapped around her, keeping Mac's body pressed into his as her inner muscles milked whatever was left of him. He sighed, "I think this is where I tell you that I love you, I need you and can't live without you." The words came out on shaky breaths and her head snapped up.

"You don't play fair sometimes, you know?" His brows furled and a concerned expression crossed eyes. It made her smile and press a soft kiss against his lips. "I kinda wanted to be the first one to say 'I love you.' this time around."

"Tell me." Harm's hands came up to frame her face, her beautiful skin flushed from lovemaking. He never understood that whole 'glowing' description when it came to women and sex but, he saw it now along with that strikingly radiant smile. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you, Harm."

He pulled her down for a slow, loving kiss that quickly began to burn out of control again. His lips led a trail of fire down her chin, past the hollow of her throat and to her collar. Fingers worked to get Mac out of her blouse, popping the rest of her buttons and slipping it off her shoulders along with her bra. "I want… No..I _need_ to see you this time….all of you...Every inch of bare skin."

"Oh God, yes. I want to see you too, all of you." In one movement, he stood and with Mac wrapped around him carefully walked them across the loft and up the steps to his bedroom.

* * *

AN: So this love scene kinda matches their first time in the back of Harm's car and it was always intended to. A redo of sorts without that baggage of her engagement and how you go from zero to a zillion and try to make everything work. This was a fun story to put together. I always wanted to do a version of 'Talk TO Me' but with Mac in therapy, lord knows GF needs some.

But, one day I did what I told myself I would never do which was to have H&M do the deed the night of the engagement party. It sounded utter ridiculous for a moment. Where would they sleep together? Wouldn't people notice? and then it clicked. Ideally the back of his car had this whole tawdry concept about it but, as I typed it out it became one of my favorite love scenes I've written to date. I love that they don't speak during it...It was hot and their mistake really felt like two lost souls finally finding each other at the wrong time. Oh did I love writing that scene...My second being the one in "Final Destination" at the B&B and the third the first time they are together in "Vampire Heart".

I knew this would be a remake of the 1st chapter, in fact some parts are verbatim with a twist and I still wanted it to be wordless, the only sounds their breaths, the moans and whatnot. Even the jazzy music in the background cuts off.


	25. Come

**Chapter 25 - Come**

"This is some really damned good cheesecake, flyboy." Mac was sitting in bed, back propped up against the pillows lining the wall, a bedsheet tucked under her arms to cover her nakedness. Delicate fingers were wrapped around a spoon as her tongue lapped the sweet goodness that he'd created. Life was damned good.

And to think she almost lost him.

"What?" Mac asked when Harm simply stared at her. It wasn't a glance of desire or lust but, something she'd never seen in his eyes quite like this before. They held hers in a soft gaze and a thin smile spread across his lips almost to a flyboy grin but much less cocky, it made her stomach do flips and her heart beat a little faster. Lord did she love him more especially now that they replaced that stolen moment in the back of his car with something else. The care he took after their lovemaking on the sofa, covering every inch of her body with touches and kisses. It was...magic and oh so intense.

"You're so...I don't know but 'Beautiful' doesn't seem to cut it when it comes to you."

It was a simple statement, not the grand showering of words Mic would use that often made her wonder if he'd read up on Hallmark card drivel just to make her love him. Despite being naked and vulnerable when she surrendered to Harm's touch twice more, his words made her blush furiously now because she knew it meant much more than he could say. "Thank you."

And then came that flyboy grin, the one that made her smile and roll her eyes at the same time. So full of himself, Harm stretched out and leaned against the wall behind his bed, head resting against his arms. "You know...I really love the fact that my bed is gonna smell like you for a while."

Mac finished her dessert and set the plate down on the nightstand. "You like that kinda thing?" She thought it was just girls that held fascination over the male scent, that clean masculine cologne - like when he'd hug her and the welcomed smell of his cologne lingered on her clothing.

"Oh yeah." He said and then stretched over her to take a bit of the whipped cream still left on the plate. "The scent of you, the taste of you. I want it all." To prove his point, Harm brought down the sheet covering her torso exposing her breasts to his gaze. He smeared the cream on one of her nipples and then his mouth latched onto her, tongue swirling slowly before taking the hard pebble between in his teeth.

And just like that, the memory of last night slammed into Mac like a freight train. She never knew it could feel quite like that...

* * *

Completely naked, Harm stood at the edge of the bed, his breathing slow and deep as she stood watching her. She couldn't help but begin a comparison between this man and the one she almost married. Mic was stocky with a good enough physique but a few beers and his gut would show. He wasn't fond of working out past boxing which kept his small frame almost swollen.

Harm on the other hand was lean and muscular. She could count the squares on his abs, see the definition on his chest and arms from hours of weight training and running. He was proportionate and beautiful.

Equally nude, Mac lay in the center of his bed, legs parted, eyes caressing every inch of his heated body stopping at the part of his anatomy she'd been so curious about before. That too was cause for analysis as, even partially erect, Harm was very well endowed.

She cursed that control of his and that need to just look. But then, he'd told her that he wanted to see her with the lights on. Not that she coule fault him, it had been dark their first time and they were both far too clothed on the sofa. He licked his lips when his gaze teavelef between her parted thighs, grinning from her sexy invitation.

She was about to protest his inaction until he began a slow exploration. Harm lay next to her, head propped up while his other hand delicately moved down her body. It wasn't an erotic touch by any means, purposely missing all of her erogenous zones and yet, Mac felt the liquid heat pooling between her thighs, that ache that needed to be sated and soon. "I never asked." He said, one long finger tracing the barely-there scar at her throat.

"Thyroid cancer when I was 22." She said and that instantly had him stop. "It's okay. They caught it in time, I'm fine."

Her words made him breathe out a sigh of relief and then his careful exploration continued, fingers stopping at a tiny blemish on her skin just at the crook of her elbow. "And this."

"Remnant of chicken pox." Her breath hitched when his mouth came down on the spot kissing it softly until he stopped at another scar normally covered by her watch.

"And this one?" God, his voice was so low, so sensual - that bedroom timbre that was driving her mad with need. Did he not know this was killing her because they'd waited far too long to be together? Her fault, she knew - but this was torture nonetheless.

Mac swallowed. "O-Course in boot. One of the wooden beams had a splinter, I happened to catch it when I hurled myself over." And bled like a stuck pig until she finished and was sent to medical. The laceration needed several stitches but, her fortitude in finishing without tapping out or crying had made her a star recruit.

"Mmmm." He kissed that too, circling her wrist with his large fingers and then moved to the mark on her thigh pressing his lips around the puckered skin. "Did I ever apologize for this?"

"Yeah you did. For about a month straight." A month when her new partner doted after her and was literally at her beck and call. Harm had blamed himself completely for everything that occured in the Appalachians and vowed to make it up to her.

"I'm still sorry." On the same leg, he ran a line with his finger stopping at a scar on the side of her knee. "This one?" It was barely noticeable and yet he kissed that as well.

"Car accident." And she didn't have to embellish for Harm to know she was talking about that fateful night with Eddie. Mac's breath caught on a gasp, those long digits swirled around her belly button and slid down to her bikini area.

"A rose?" His warm breath fanned over the tattoo. She'd had it touched up a few years ago as the ink had dulled through the years. The etched bloom was now vibrant with reds and greens that popped. Harm smiled, the coincidence amusing him - they met in a rose garden. "I like it." And he loved the woman it was part of. "And you're right, it is classified."

It actually shamed her that others had seen it - that Mic had seen it. Damn she wished she could take that relationship back or just never began that stupid flirting with Mic to make Harm jealous. "What's wrong?"

Mac looked down to find Harm's head resting on her abdomen. The concern in his eyes was evident and the intimate touches on her body stopped altogether. "Mac if this is too much too soon."

"No!" She said all too quickly and then took a breath. Mac bit her lower lip and stared into his eyes. She needed to trust him because that was the one thing about their partnership that always rang true. "I wish Mic had never seen it - my tattoo."

He wished the same. "We can't hit rewind."

"I know."

A grin spread on his lips, that sexy mischecous kind that made her sex clench. "As long as I'm the only guy to see it from now on."

"Deal. Oh."

The man was sneaky, dastardly and so...damned...good. One long finger began moving again, the tip brushing over the tattoo and without warning parted her folds. She was wet, so much that it was easy for the digit to slip inside. He caressed her slowly from within. The hot and moist silky flesh hugging his finger as Harm explored her. He pulled out, grinning at the low groan and then pushed two inside of her which made Mac buckle against his hand. "Tell me you like this."

Like it? It was like tempting a volcano about to blow and he wasn't even moving fast. And then those fingers curled up pressing on that spot that most men were too clueless to find. He found it, stroked his finger tip over, stroking; Mac was certain she saw stars. "Don't...don't stop."

"Tell me what you want Sarah."

Damn that voice again, silky, sultry gravel. So damned husky and thick. She knew what she wanted, had dreamt of it - the feel of him. "Your mouth...Oh God, Harm I want your mouth on me."

"Good." A long, flat tongue wasted no time in tasting her lapping her juices with slow care. Harm wrapped his arms around her legs, greafily pulling Mac closer to him so he could continue the slow onslaught. Pure male pride swelled with each moan, gasp and every call of his name.

He closed his eyes, breathed in her heady scent when Mac elegantly arched her back, pressing herself firmly against his hungry mouth. "Oh Harm...Yes." She convulsed against him once, the sign of a small peak.

Harm slowed his movements, the egotistical sign again wondering how many times he could make her climax until it was too much. Her sounds, her scent had him rock hard and wanting so much to bury himself into her and never come back. He managed to restrain that desire, this was about her and making love to Sarah MacKenzie with his mouth satisfied so many of his erotic fantasies.

Mac's fingers ran through his short hair, her hand guided him. The warm, wetness of his mouth had her teetering on the edge of bliss again and this time the climax was hard. She burned for him, ached to be filled and would have begged him to do so but her body began to tense. Her sex quivered and that tingling sesation went up and dlwn her spine, across her body. She was shaking even before his lips encircled her sweet spot and began to alternate between licks and nibbles.

She raised herself up in order to watch Harm whose eyes were closed and by the sound and feel of each moan, seemed to be enjoying this as much as she was. He was making love to her with his mouth. Sucking on her most senstivite areas with a slow, unrelenting pressure. The build up was delicious and with a hand she guided Harm where she needed him most. "There, like that."

It offered Harm a deep male satisfaction to make her moan, feel her body become rigid with her increasing need for release. His tongue tenaciously lapped at her, tasting her juices, slipping over her clit until he began to suck. He was ravenous, taking more until Mac came again this time it was ferocious to the point that she begged him to slow down.

And he did but only long for Mac to catch her breath. She was panting hard, layibg on the matress with her head lulled to one side. The crown of his cock moved between her wet folds, slicking his staff until he held it just at her entrance. Harm flexed his hips, peircing Mac only barely and then moving back. "My God, Mac I want you so much."

"Then don't stop. Take me. Take me now." She reached down and grabbed a hold of him, her small hand fisting his girth stroking in a slow, torturous motion. Mac shifted closer, parted her thighs wider as she angled him to her wet core. "Please. Please." She wasn't above begging for him to ease the unrelenting pressure.

Harm couldn't control himself anymore. Her body was too sweet, too hot and he wanted more than to simply taste her. He wanted all of her forever. "You drive me crazy. So crazy." Rough hands wrapped around her hips, gripping hard as he slipped into that sweet lock, joining them finally.

"Harm. Yes." She let out a satisfied sigh and closed her eyes for a moment until he was deep inside her. From his knees he pulled his hips back and then forward alternating between fast and deep strokes that were maddening.

Harm came down over her, braced on his forearms so that he could kiss her. Mac tasted herself on his lips and moaned into his mouth as he sank impossibly deeper. She gripped him from inside, her hands slipped down Harm's slick body to his six. She kneaded the muscles, pushed him forwarf desperately needing that erotic friction to stave her passion. "Harm...I need.."

Her demands died on her lips as he pulled out and thrusted in this time not slowing down, not stopping. He looked her in the eye the entire time, holding Mac's gaze. Sounds of their passion echoed throughout the loft. Her moans combined with his and the soundtrack of skin against skin.

He pressed his pelvis against her sex, rolled his hips so that he brushed against her bud. "Come for me."

Mac's heels dug into the mattress, her hips raising to meet his. They moved together, breaths and hearts synching. She whimpered as he slowed and lowered his mouth over one erect nipple, his teeth scraping over the soft skin making Mac scream his name. "Come for me."

A few hard thrusts and she was there clenching him. spasming around his length until hot jets of his seed spilled into her. "Oh God, Sarah!" Her inner muscles milked every last drop from him and despite not wanting to crush her, Harm's body collapsed over Mac's.

And she didn't mind it, enjoyed the weight of his body over her own as she rode out the shock waves. Her arms wrapped around him cradling his body against her own, keeping him in the lock of her body. "Not yet." She requested as he made to pull out. "Just a little longer."

"Okay." He grinned when her hands cupped his face and brought him down for a sweet, slow kiss.

"I'm so in love with you." Mac breathed out and kissed him again this time with much more passion.

"I love you too." His lips found that spot on her shoulder that made her shiver and his tongue made a long pass over it. "I love the way you taste, the way you smell. I love everything about you." She was salty and sweet and he wanted to lose himself in her body again. "C'mon. I think I have another round left in me before I probably pass out "

She sighed when he pulled out but was surprised to feel the mattress shift beneath her. He stood at the edge of the bed extending a hand to hers. "Where?"

"Shower." He grinned mischeviously. "I have a particularly salacious fantasy of us in there and I can't wait anymore." And he'd finally get a chance to make it come true. When she didn't get up fast enough he grabbed Mac and carried her away. Sounds of her giggling died on a moan as his mouth found her breast again


End file.
